[talking in his sleep] It's all gone now. There's no more pastry.
S2We Have Put Her Living in the Tomb (2)
S2Timeless Time (6)
When you think about it, nothing ever exists...The future doesn't exist because it hasn't happened yet; the past doesn't exist because it's already over. But the present doesn't exist, because as soon as you start to think about it it's already in the past. Which doesn't exist any more.
[to Margaret, on the time between one Xmas and the next] Yes, it's about two months now. They'll be draping tinsel over the Easter Eggs before long. Why can't they let you live your life at your own speed?
S2Love and Death (5)
I was force fed Weetabix puree and sentenced to death, an average day really.
Unbelievable!
[to Margaret] Well I can't lie like this forever, can I? Like a bed-ridden Dalek.
S2Who's Listening? (7)
[on the topic of Christmas shopping] I rather fancy having every bone in my body crushed to a pulp today, perhaps I'll go down WHSmith and spend five minutes in the book department.
[to Margaret] [their room is full of garden gnomes] It's like sleeping in bloody Snow White's cottage.
All the miseries in the world seem a hundred times worse at Christmas.
[talking Margaret about Christmas] I don't suppose there was ever any magic in it. Only in old films with Jimmy Stewart, never in real life.
MMeldrew
[talking about Cilla Black] She's got a very infectious laugh. Victor Meldrew: So has a hyena with anthrax.
RCReverend Croker
[to Margaret & Victor] Faith is absolute or it's nothing at all.
S3Christmas Special: The Man in the Long Black Coat
[Discussing Victor and Patrick's feud]
I don't know what to do about him and Victor. I mean, it's one thing to call someone a "tosspot" to their face, but when you go to the lengths of having it iced on the front of a Thornton's Easter egg, I think it's got beyond a joke. I mean, he did put a card in the post as well. No name or address on the envelope, just the word's "To that cretin in the cap." I suppose it helped him let off steam at the time.
Yes. The irony is, we received it. About the quickest a letter's ever got to us, I think.
[Talking about Victor's diet]
What sort of things does he eat?
[disgustedly] Anything, of any sort or description. In the most hideous and disgusting of combinations. Food you wouldn't put in the same cupboard, he'd happily slice up together on his weetabix. It's like watching non-stop junk mail going through a letter box. I think he lost all sense of taste years ago.
Stomach like a bin liner? [Margaret murmurs in agreement]
[Talking about Pippa's pregnancy]
You must be thrilled, congratulations.
[Sombrely] Well, I'm not sure "thrilled" is the word. Wasn't exactly planned. I know I'm supposed to be all glowing and maternal, but when you look round at the state of things, I don't think life is something I'd wish on my worst enemy. And you never know what you're bringing into the world. I mean, look at the people who started out as babies... Hitler... Dr. Crippen...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's One Foot In The Grave pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.