BWBob Wheeler
Hello, it's us.
Bob and June Wheeler, ya Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads, you! What the heck brings you by?
They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.
I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.
Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.
Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.
Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.
So all the would-be chicks are now...
[Dan is throwing a tantrum over being passed over for a judicial appointment.]
Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job!
[to the courtroom] All right, who wants to share gas to Florida? Show yourself now!
[A flasher stands up and, taking Dan literally, opens his trench coat. Dan mulls it over for a second.]
...Okay, but you gotta ride in the back.
Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must have him really depressed.
[Harry streaks out of the cafeteria kitchen on roller skates, wearing a jet pack made from a fire extinguisher. He speeds out of the cafeteria - CRASH! Everyone gets up and rushes to the exit.]
BWBob Wheeler
Don't worry! Don't worry, he's all right. The girl scouts broke his fall.
There's got to be a way to get your job back!
Like what? Like it turns out I'm on Dallas and I've been dreaming all this?
[on Christine's first day as a judge, Bull brings in the next defendant, who is sobbing piteously]
FMr. Fengler
Please, let me go! Let me out of here!
Sir, please calm down. You're among friends. Friends who wear badges, and search your body cavities, but friends nonetheless.
FMr. Fengler
You don't understand, this is a mistake, please, somebody help me!
Oh, don't worry, sir, I'll help you!
[everyone stares at her]
I-I mean, I'll do everything in my power to see that you receive a fair trial. Um, Mr. Prosecutor?
Yes, Your Honor, Ye Olde Town Crier here robbed yon convenience store, and stuffed the booty in his jerkin, forsooth.
FMr. Fengler
I'm sorry, I just haven't had a square meal in days, and when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped.
Oh yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the shotgun he had with him!
FMr. Fengler
A little one.
[Koenig knocks on Harry's door]
KMr. Koenig
[sarcastically sing-song] It's the landlord!
[still sing-song] Just a minute!
[There is an explosion from inside Harry's apartment. Harry comes out, his face black with soot, and coughs out a cloud of smoke]
KMr. Koenig
I want you and your exploding yak hair out of that apartment now, or I'm calling the cops!
Mr. Koenig, I've paid you two months rent, and a substantial security deposit, so if you want me out that'll be three months of eviction proceedings, during which time you're not gonna see a penny of rent, and when it finally goes to trial, I'm gonna testify under oath that you and I have been involved in a torrid love affair.
[He leans forward and pecks Mr. Koenig on the nose, takes his package from Koenig's stunned hand, and exits into his apartment.]
Are you out of your mind?! I could go to jail for impersonating a judge!
Hey, it's on the phone! Nobody's gonna know.
Well... because it's sneaky, and underhanded, and deceitful(?)
[nods] ...Nobody does it better.
[Gary Fenton awakens after being knocked out. The first thing he sees is Bull's face, closely observing him.]
[creepy voice] We've been waiting for you, Mr. Fenton.
[Fenton cries out and faints. Bull looks up, puzzled.]
[normal voice] Boy, he looks like he just saw a ghost.
[Dan is shown hiding on the sill of the window outside Harry's office]
You can't stay out there forever, Dan.
Why not? I've got a great view of the park, fresh air... [looks at the pigeon perched on his shoulder] Fresh poultry.
Dan, are you going to make me do this the hard way?
[He seizes Dan by his belt and hauls him inside.]
Just be glad it was your belt, Dan.
[Bull was just struck by lightning. He is found on the couch, his clothes still smoking]
DDoctor
That depends. What did he look like before?
DDoctor
Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine.
Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.
DDoctor
Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.
But I'm feeling much better now.
Really? You look dead on your feet.
[He laughs; glares from everyone]
Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?
DDoctor
It's a miracle he wasn't even hurt. With the voltage he absorbed, it must have been like French-kissing a light socket.
No, that feels different.
[Harry, Dan, Mac, and Bull track Roz and Christine to a male strip club, worrying that the place is too rough for Christine.]
[craning his neck] No. Of course, I could see a lot better if it weren't for that crazy bimbo dancing on the table.
[At second glance, the "crazy bimbo" turns out to be Christine, playing a snake-charming tune on a kazoo while "Sinbad the Snake Charmer" dances onstage.]
Come on, Sinbad, make that thing MOVE!
You doing anything tomorrow night?
You ever see tag-team mud wrestling on cable TV?
Oh, Roz, I really don't like to watch those things.
Who said anything about watching?
...WE'LL KICK THEIR BUTTS!
This thing is gonna be the centerpiece of my magic act. I'm gonna play a trick, so incredible, so amazing, it will boggle the human mind!
[Dan enters the office, inadvertently concealing Harry behind the door.]
Could we...? [sees the safe and laughs] Oh, don't tell me that melon head is going to do the old "escape from the safe" trick.
[rounds the door] The produce in question is right here, Dan.
[feigning excitement] Oh, you mean you're gonna be inside the safe! Oh, and it's gonna be locked and everything! Ooh, thrilling, sir.
SSatan
How'd you like to make a hundred dollars?
I'd rather sit on a blender.
SSatan
[holds up contract] All you gotta do is sign this.
Listen, pal, I don't know who you are, but why don't you take your...
SSatan
Oh, I'm known by many names: Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan... although it says "Stu Blumberg" on my license. But enough about me. Let's talk about you, and what you could do with one of these.
[He holds up the hundred dollar bill. Dan glances at a prostitute with a Mardi Gras mask.]
