Night Court Season 1 quotes

Dan

Mr. Shibata was caught "rolling for dollars" with these three rarely-upstanding women.

Harry

All three? That's illegal... and quite impressive.

Dan

When he was apprehended, he had a fifty-gallon drum of soy sauce, and they were in the middle of something called the "Sukiyaki Slam-Bam."

Christine

Uh, sir, while neighbors and adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours, I believe that...

SEVEN HOURS?

Dan

My God, man, how do you do it?

[thumps his chest] Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters, and sit in a barrel of pickle brine!

Dan

[to stenographer] You got that? [she nods]

Harry

How the hell do you lose a dead body?

Bull

He outsmarted me, sir.

Dan

I don't think any further explanation is necessary.

Drives you crazy, doesn't it? So near, yet so far...

Dan

Wait a minute, is that what you're up to? You're gonna taunt me, torture me, drive me crazy?

Call it a hobby. Remember: one touch, and I'm cutting you off at the knees!

Dan

[muttering] Yeah, I'd still be taller than you, you little...

Mr. Fielding, can I ask you a question?

Dan

Certainly, young lady, anything.

[sultry] Did you know I'm double-jointed?

Dan

[high-pitched] Really?

Wanna see?

Dan

Yes... [slaps himself] No! Yes... [slaps himself again] No!

Christine

[regarding Dan's impotence] Dan, you know there are several books on this subject that might be of some use to you.

Dan

Such as?

Christine

[as everyone turns their gaze on her] Well...The Little Engine That Could.

Dan

You wanna call me in here, play your little bedroom games, take shots at my manhood? That's fine! I get that all the time! All right, listen, I will admit that I couldn't afford some snooty Ivy League education. You know, but when you get your degree from the Bayou Academy of Law & Agriculture, you learn something more: a fighting sow belly has to work for what he wants, can't be afraid to get your snout dirty! You know what? I live the law every day. In the courthouses and the jails of New York City. And I may have barf in my cuffs when I get home at night. But that's the way I like it. [building] That's why I have the highest conviction rate of any DA in this city. And that's why I have the lowest percentage of overturned cases! And that's why you can say anything you want to about my manhood, but nobody, lady, nobody can touch Dan Fielding in a court of law. [throws off his jacket] Or for that matter, anywhere else!

You mean...?

Dan

[yanks off his tie] I mean, hold on to your Dixie Cups, babes! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!

[to Christine] Hey, how'd you like me to charge up your San Juan Hill? [laughs]

Christine

Look, I may have to defend you, but I don't have to put up with your sleazy remarks.

Ooh, a filly with spirit! Looks like you need a Rough Rider! [laughs]

Christine

Watch it. I speak softly but I carry a big knee.

Christine

Your Honor, before we can proceed, we're going to need an order to separate. The fourth defendant isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't sobered up yet.

Harry

Little bit too much Yankee Doodle Brandy?

Dan

About ten minutes ago he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni.

Roz

Hey, what are you two doing up here? [looks over the edge] But then again, what the hell am I doing up here? [laughs]

Harry

The paramedics are on their way. In the meantime, they told us not to do anything that might upset her.

Roz

That's right. Otherwise it's one small step for Roz... one giant splat for mankind! [laughs]

Too risky. I think our only prudent course is open gunplay.

Harry

Listen, fathead, the one thing we don't need is to have some trigger-happy lunatic in charge!

Harry

No, no, Mr. President, I wasn't talking to you. Yes, I'm sure you do get that kind of thing all the time.

Get this straight, Fielding: I-don't-like-you. You're nauseating, your hair looks stupid, and you smell like Vaseline. Frankly, an evening with you would be about as much fun as draining a prostate infection.

Dan

[unperturbed] I guar-ahn-tee it.

Mac

Hey! Dan, did you burn my assembly instructions?

Dan

What's the big deal? You stick Tab A into Slot B, who can't do that?

[a prostitute] You'd be surprised.

Harry

Maybe... maybe we should rub him and try to get circulation going.

Wrong, exactly wrong! You do that and he'll be shedding skin faster than a frog on a cheese grater!

Harry

Are you sure?

You don't spend twelve years on the street without learning how to deal with exposure.

Harry

What do we do?

First we strip him!

Mac

[contemplates Bull] Oh, mercy...

All right, now if this works, this whole train track becomes a giant heating element.

Harry

Where did you learn all this fancy wiring stuff?

Blowing safes.

Excuse me, Mr. Fielding?

Dan

[distracted] Just a second, Len, I'll be with you in a moment...

Dan

Hey, what the hell is this?

It's a bomb, Dan!

It's going off in thirty minutes.

[holds up a remote] Or sooner, if I push this little button.