Night Court quotes

Dan

You saved me by convincing him I was a... worthless, degenerate, piece of human... trash.

Dan

DRINKS ARE ON ME!

Christine

The man is proud of it.

Tell you one thing he's not very proud of: his name. You know he changed it?

Harry

Oh, yeah. We met his parents, we know his name used to be Ellmore.

Oh, not just his last name, his first name too.

Christine

You mean's Dan's name isn't "Dan"?

No, it's...

Dan

Uh, Ernie? Pal, buddy, friend? [makes a slashing motion across his neck]

[smiles] ...Reinhold.

"Reinhold"?

Harry

Mrs. Cooper, this is certainly a most serious and sobering charge...

Harry

Nevertheless... I don't really see where any law has been broken.

Jack Sullivan

You know that your mother and I dated for a long time. I wanted like hell to propose to her, but I was always broke, and... well, anyway, one day we're at Coney Island. I had eight hot dogs, six candy apples, and a pound of cotton candy - I threw up three times.

Christine

In other words, you had a great time.

Jack Sullivan

The best! We stop at Great Sal's Ball Throw and Lithuanian Deli. I throw the balls and win this ring. And I say to your mother, just kidding, "I think this means we should get married." And your mother gets this funny look on her face, and says... "I'd love to."

When I was young, my mother told me Santa Claus was real. But when I got older, she told me he wasn't. One book says Jesus is real; one book says he isn't. We're living in the greatest country in the world...! And we're murdering each other in the streets. What did they expect when they made us believe in the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny... and then gave us the nuclear bomb to play with? Hey-diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle... is a lie like all the rest. The astronauts killed the Man in the Moon. Growing up took care of the rest.

Harry

What is it, Buddy? What is it about you that makes you so special? Why do people who are alone, and-and sad, they feel better just 'cause you're around? What is it?

Buddy

[thinks a moment] Love... caring...

[in unison] ...and a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene with regular professional care.

Roz

[reading her invitation] "Lords and Ladies, Christine Sullivan requests the pleasure of your company at a gala affair commemorating the sixth wedding anniversary of Prince Charles and Lady Diana." [sarcastic] Par-ty!

Dan

Listen to me, we're talking naked Italian women hanging from the ceiling!

Harry

No, you listen to me, Dan. Miss Sullivan is our friend, and if that means that occasionally, she'd like us all to get together, then we should do so cheerfully...! Even if it is excruciatingly dull and stupid.

Roz

[sympathetically] Poor thing. She's probably too upset to even have the party now.

Harry

Not a chance.

Roz

Damn!

Dan

Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!

Roz

What's the matter, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?

Dan

No. It just so happens that the assistant DAs have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.

Christine

By total volume or percentage?

Dan

Raw tonnage.

Christine

What?

Dan

Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins $2,000.

Mac

Talk about living off the fat of the land.

Mac

First case, refusing an order to vacate. [a trio of nuns enter] People versus Sisters Laurie, Mo and Carla.

Dan

[a la Curly] Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

Harry

Mr. Prosecutor, that will be enough.

Dan

[a la Curly] Soitenly!

Harry

People versus?

Mac

Wagner.

Harry

Prostitution?

Mac

Positively.

Harry

Prosecution?

Dan

Pictures.

Christine

Objection!

Harry

Grounds?

Christine

Entrapment.

Dan

Ridiculous.

Harry

Reason?

Dan

Witnesses.

Harry

Overruled.

Christine

Darn.

Harry

Plea?

Guilty.

Harry

Motion?

Christine

Leniency?

Harry

Granted.

Christine

Fine?

Harry

Fifty.

Christine

Finished.

Dan

Freebie?

Forget it.

Bull

Sir, your new bowling ball is ready.

Harry

Oh, swell! [pulls out the ball, painted like a giant eyeball] Ha-ha!

Christine

My God, when people see that rolling down the aisle, they're gonna throw up their pretzels.

Hey, judge, I got your suit of armor here, good as new.

Harry

Oh, great! Did you get all the goldfish out of it?

Give her hell, Harry!

Harry

How are we gonna get the guy a visa?

He cannot have one, ever. I cannot ignore the law and let a possible subversive back into my country.

Harry

Oh, come on! We both know he's not a subversive! He's just some poor schlep who wants to go home and visit his mom!

[confused] What is meaning of "sch-lep"?

Harry

Well, uh, let's see. Uh... you remember Jimmy Carter?

Bull

Sorry, guess she wasn't interested.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I... I don't know.