NewsRadio quotes

Dave

Have you ever heard the expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?

Bill

Have you ever heard the expression, "Only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?"

[in a high-pitched voice] Hey, everybody! It's me...Matthew!

Joe

Dude, you're not Matthew.

Okay, obviously.

Dude, we're still brothers. It's just that we're not twins. And biologically speaking, we're not actually brothers, either.

Matthew

But we look so much alike.

No we don't. I'm three inches shorter than you are. You have blond hair, I have brown hair. I have green eyes, you have blue. I can grow a beard. I'm Jewish! How old are you?

Matthew

Twenty-eight.

And how old am I?

Matthew

Twenty-nine. But I just thought it was because you came out first.

Dave

Bill, what possessed you to negotiate a raise that would cripple the station?

Bill

Greed.

Dave

And what has that greed gotten you?

Bill

Money.

Dave

And what has that money gotten you?

Bill

Happiness, but stop trying to cheer me up!

[about the word "non-profit"] It's an oxymoron.

Dave

You mean like military intelligence.

Yeah, or Swiss cheese.

Bill

[looks at a picture on Dave's desk] She looks like quite a woman, Dave. Your mom is really something.

Dave

Bill, that's Lisa. This is my mom.

Bill

Oh. Now I don't feel so guilty trying to picture her naked.

Bill

I'll tell you what I'm high on...freedom!

Catherine

Bill, you're locked up in a mental institution.

Bill

And I've never felt freer.

Dave

Bill, these people are insane.

Bill

Oh, really? Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?

Dave

[to Mr. James] Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."

Dave

Can't you ever just be sincere and normal?

Bill

In real life? No.

Dave

What do you mean, in real life?

Bill

On the radio I open up completely, really bare my soul.

Dave

You do news, traffic, and weather.

Bill

But I mean it.

Dave

According to these numbers, when Bill's show comes on people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles and walk home rather than risk hearing another second.

Joe

There is a very specific way you deal with a woman like that. You get down on your hands and knees and beg her to have sex with you.

I like to try to categorize people by the animal they could be if they tried a little harder.

Joe

Look, man, I don't care what you say about me, but making fun of alien technology is just stupid.

Catherine

(reading the news) Tragedy struck today in Sector 9 as rebel terrorists blew up the Death Star killing thousands. The Rebel Alliance, a fringe group of Anti-Empire fanatics, has claimed responsibility for the terrorist act. Fortunately Lord Vader escaped without harm. Our hearts go out to the families of the victims.