NewsRadio quotes

Joe

There, I took down all the Christmas decorations and threw away the Christmas tree.

Dave

Great, Joe. Now you can fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.

Lisa

You're Canadian?

I am?

Lisa

Not you, sir. Him.

Oh no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave?

Dave

Yeah.

Lisa

Then what is this all about?

Dave

What's what all ab- uh... What's what?

Lisa

You're afraid to say it, aren't you.

Dave

No.

Lisa

Yes, you are.

Dave

No.

Lisa

Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide, say "about".

Dave

No.

Lisa

Say it.

Dave

No.

Lisa

Say "out".

Dave

No.

Lisa

House. Couch.

Dave

Your honor, I plead the fifth.

Lisa

I don't know if you have that right.

Dave

I do too, eh.

Oh my God.

Dave

Well, you've got me, alright? Yes, yes, I'm Canadian. And I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Davemobile.

Dave

Yes, I am Canadian.

Bill

It's not garbage. It's rap music. And I love it. The pulsating rhythms, raw bass line. This stuff speaks to me in places I didn't even know I had ears.

Jimmy

And free advertising, well that's something you just can't buy.

Bill

Another time I was cut from the high school football team. And my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback, but the McNeals have gained a daughter".

Bill

You wouldn't know tough love if it stripped you to your jockeys and made you stand all night in the rain.

Dave

"You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."

Joe

Hey.

Dave

[pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."

Lisa

I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.

Dave

Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.

Dave

Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."

SHAFT.

Bill

I thought we'd all enjoy that.

Dave

[reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

Bill

The eyes are the windows to the skull, my friend.

Dave

Soul.

Bill

For those who have one, yes.

Dave

Matthew, Bill is not a god.

Matthew

Time will tell.

Is this your counsel?

Joe

Yes, your honor. [conspiratorially] The Master Builder waits at the pyramids.

I beg your pardon?

Joe

I bet you do.

Dave

Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back?

Joe

Because I needed both hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape!

Joe

Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station?

Bill

Joe's right. How come every time there's a problem you assume that it's one of us. What about them? What if it was... that guy who's name I don't know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-

Dave

Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.

Bill

Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.

Dave

Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"

Bill

Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?"