Beth quotes from NewsRadio

Dave

"You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."

Joe

Hey.

Dave

[pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."

Lisa

I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.

Dave

Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.

Dave

Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."

SHAFT.

Bill

I thought we'd all enjoy that.

Dave

[reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

Joe

No matter how far technology advances it's still just a bunch of wires connected to other wires.

Beth

So what's wrong with it?

Joe

I can't seem to find any wires.

Joe

Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related?

Lisa

I broke into a library.

Beth

To vandalize it?

Lisa

No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.

Beth

Desperate phone call: great idea. My ex-boyfriends did it to me all the time.

Lisa

Does it work?

Beth

They usually end up stalking me, so if you're lucky, Catherine might come to your fire escape tonight.

Beth

My mother always told me I had a beautiful singing voice.

Bill

Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes!

Beth

But, Mr. James, what if you're fatally injured, or even killed?

Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on."

What's wrong with your hands?

Beth

I have carpal tunnel syndrome.

Oh, yeah. People get that from typing all day.

Beth

Yeah, I know.

How did you get it?

Beth

No idea.

Beth

I speak for the whole staff.

Max, does Beth speak for you?

Max

No.

Jimmy

Then why are you helping her?

Max

Because she's a pretty girl with red hair.

Beth

It's gonna be tough to decide between you two.

Max

Well, I have a solution that avoids the problem all together.

Oh, you do?

Max

I have decided to vote.

Dave

That's great, Max.

Max

...for myself. I want this apartment - and I shall have it!

Joe

This is how it starts. These punks move in, start hassling old people, soon the streets are no longer yours.

Beth

Charles Bronson week on TNT?

Joe

Every week is Charles Bronson week on TNT.

Beth

All dogs are male, all cats are female.

Lisa

Daisy is most definitely, and I mean definitely, a girl.

Max

We're not disputing that. It's not a matter of sex, it's a matter of gender.

Lisa

Sex and gender are the same thing.

Max

Not so. I would much rather have sex than gender.

Lisa

Well, seeing as you have neither, that must be very sad for you.

Lisa

[on the phone] My marriage is tomorrow, and I don't care if you had a previous engagement. An oral agreement is like a contract to me. Well, same to you, buddy!

Beth

Caterers?

Lisa

Parents.

Beth

Will Mr. Nelson be needing anything else?

Dave

No, that's alright. Thank you.

Beth

Am I to understand my services here are no longer required?

Dave

That's right.

Beth

You son of a bitch! I knew it!

Dave

Is this Have Your Secretary Committed Day?

Beth

Ah, sarcasm. The last resort of sons of bitches!!!