[After Paul told his Asian girlfriend Jenn that he and Jess had slept together]
[to Jenn] I thought you were Asian me, but now I realize I'm just Caucasian you.
JJenn
What?
What?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[to Nick] You're making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.
[about Cece] She's never gonna be happy with somebody like me, Jess.
What? That's crazy.
That's why I'm gonna have to White Fang her.
Schmidt, come on! Look, I try not to judge what you guys do, but please don't tell me things like that.
No, no, Jess, Jess. The book: White Fang.
I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen.
Excuse me, do you think this has been easy for me—to wash myself all summer long with a penis cast on? Thank God this thing comes off this afternoon. And by the way, I know what you've been thinking, and the answer is yes, I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play.
Nipple play—off-limits.
You can't be a shot girl.
Why not?
Because you don't have that specific hotness that shames men into spending $9 on a $2 shot. She doesn't have it.
Are you saying I'm not hot?
No, no, no, I'm not... No, no, you're hot, you're hot.
Nick!
I'm saying you're the nurse that I wanna wake up to after having my stomach pumped. You know what I mean? It's a different kind of hot—still hot.
I had the best sex of my life last night. He brewed me like a fine chamomile.
Oh, so that was you. I thought that was a couple bums fighting.
It wasn't. It was me, having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down, I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie. And that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets.
Andy and I have been sending each other some pretty dirty texts.
Come to the professor. Let me see.
He says, "Can't stop thinking about what you're gonna wear tonight." How do I respond?
With a simple... "Or not wear."
Okay.
Okay?
"Or not wear because sex happens naked." Send.
Okay, let me help you with that. "Just kidding. Get ready for a night you will never forget." Okay?
"Because once you see my body, you will go brain-dead and have memory loss." Send. Oh, no! Autocorrect changed "body" to "meat bar."
I need your help. I don't know what to do. I'm terrible at casual sex. I left him in there with crayons and paper, like he's a kid in a restaurant, and I told him I had to check my fantasy football.
You don't even know what that is.
No, sir, I do not know what that is. I panicked. Help me.
Look, you can't separate your feelings from sex? So what? You're a girl.
I deserve to have a shorty on the side.
Okay, a shorty is not... That's the wrong use of "shorty."
I got your text. When you're going through a "Taylor Swift-like range of emotions," I should come over, right?
You were the only one that I could talk to. Being brown, you have the wisdom of a thousand white women.
[imitating Steve Urkel] "Did I do that?"
I'm sorry, did you just say you were working on that?
It's Urkel!
Urkel?
[chuckling] Urkel.
Urkel, Jess?
It's funny.
Okay, look, it is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.
SWSchmidt and Winston
No, it's not.
But Urkel?!
Come on.
Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel.
[about the new hipster neighbors] They hate me, and I know why they hate me, too. It's because I'm old, and they're the future of humanity: a panethnic, pansexual hivemind, and they want nothing to do with me.
They're not that great, Schmidt. Last night, Chaz and Sutton got in a fight.
A lovers' quarrel?
Sutton and Chaz are not a couple.
Chaz is with Fife; Brorie's with, uh... the other broad.
Actually, Brorie, Sutton and Fife are in a triad, and Chaz is a floater.
They're polyamorous?! Damn it!
[showing her outfit to the guys] I'm going out tonight with Cece and her model friends, and I'm going for "promising ballerina turned streetwalker."
You have too much joie de vivre. Okay? You wanna look a little bit more bored, tired, just altogether disengaged.
More tired— more, like, sick-like. Really let your bones prop you up.
When I hear all the stuff about Cece's profession, like the dieting, it's crazy. And the butt drinking and the...
Did you say "butt drinking"?
Yeah.
You can't just say "butt drinking" and then not explain what that is. That is two of my four favorite things.
[about Jess's costume] I got it, you look like a zombie Woody Allen.
Yeah.
[imitating Woody Allen] "These brains are terrible. And such— such small portions."
[imitating Woody Allen] "On Christmas, I like to eat Chinese people's brains. They're the only ones that are open."
[imitating Woody Allen] "Zombie... Cristina... Barcelona."
Yeah, I have nothing to add to this.
[Jess and Nick bump into each other as they come out of their respective bedrooms]
[whispering] Sam's in there.
[whispering] Yeah, Amelia's in there. High five for sluts!
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