Just update your résumé, you ninny.
Yeah, I called you a ninny, 'cause you're acting like a ninny, you ninny!
Don't call me a ninny, I'm PMSing!
Ah! Why would you... Yucky!
No, no, no. I don't wanna hear it.
It hurts, I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching. I feel like I wanna murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.
You know what? I feel the same way.
Shut up! Shut up, you! 'Cause I don't wanna hear it! I've had it! If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!
Hey, Winston, tell him what you have.
Sympathy PMS. It's a real thing, I looked it up.
Sympathy PMS? What's that?
No! PMS is mine! Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.
I should also warn you guys that my mom's a little bit perky.
Wait, you think she's perky?
Well, she doesn't have my dark side. I got that from my dad.
[Jess enlists Nick and Cece to help her get her divorced parents back together]
I'm not doing a parent trap.
Nick, they got married too young, they got divorced too young. I think this could really make them happy. They need us. Here's the plan: we're gonna make my mom look so hot that my dad can't resist her.
Your parent trap—there's no identical twins or mistaken identity. Not a parent trap, it's a makeover.
The only thing you have to do is distract my dad.
A parent trap takes weeks of scheduling. I feel like you're just throwing this together. This is a makeshift parent trap; they don't work.
Why do you have to ruin everything, Nick?
I don't know, I've got something bad inside of me. I ruin things. [small pause] Let's do this parent trap.
M Melissa
I'm 32, but my eggs are 48, and my vagina is 97.
S Sadie
But it gets better with age. It's like the vagina Helen Mirren.
You are a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you... well, a va-genius.
S Sadie
I know my way around a Grizzly Adams.
As an adult male, I would like to ask you a few questions about, you know, the downstairs girl cookie.
Jars! Jars! All around jars!
[Jess and Winston fake a burglary to cover for the damage they did to Schmidt's suit collection]
Do we have to steal my moustache trimmer?
[in a meth-head voice] This is worth three bowls of sweet, sweet meth.
I just don't think the meth-heads would want anything in this room. [runs out to the living room] What about this?
[in a meth-head voice] To me, it looks like a meth sandwich.
Uh, this is where you work. You the ticket-taker?
A Angie
No, I'm a stripper.
Yeah, but... but what is it that you do here?
Because college is so expensive these days...
[at a Christmas party, ducking behind Schmidt and Cece] It's Sam! It's Sam! Put your coats on, we're leaving.
Yes, he's right over there. He's talking to a woman whose sexuality I won't jump to conclusions about.
I know you're trying to avoid me, but just— just take this gift I got you and I will walk away.
I don't celebrate Christmas, okay? Or as I like to call it, White Anglo-Saxon Winter Privilege Night.
You're dating a stripper, I'm dating a tall, handsome doctor. We're both kind of living the dream.
We're not "dating." What Angie and I have together is pure anarchy in, like, a sexy, cool way.
A Angie
[to Nick, while discussing their relationship] You know, I've been arrested three times. Four times. Four to five times. I have tattoos of bands that I don't even like anymore. By the way, you've been really cool about the Jamiroquai tattoo on my butt.
[After Nick's father, Walt, convinced Jess to buy a horse for Nick]
W Walt
I already got people standing by to take the horse off our hands. Horse semen in Dubai is gold!
No, you can't sell A Father's Love. There's more to A Father's Love than just semen! Ew! Poetic, but ew.
[Schmidt and Robby go to Cece's apartment to try to win her back]
[whispering] Why are the two of you even together?!
Are you wearing a traditional sari?
I begged you to wear a sari. I had all these sari-related sexual scenarios.
Monsoon Bedding , The Best Erotic Maribone Hotel .
Slum-Doggy-Style Millionaire .
[Jess and Nick go to the house of a student in Jess' creative writing class that Nick thinks is a psychotic killer]
If Pepperwood taught me anything—
Never get caught without a safe word. We're gonna go with "apricot."
That's way too normal. We need to, like, go with something weird, like "dragon slippers."
I use "apricot" too much in my normal life.
Why do you use "apricot" so much?
What am I supposed to call them—"sweet tangy balls"?
Don't call them "sweet tangy balls," Jessica.
‹ Previous Page 5 of 8
Next ›
These quotes come from Wikiquote's New Girl pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
