Jess Day quotes from New Girl

Schmidt

Dice is a dating app.

Jess

Dating app…

Schmidt

And it’s not for you. [walks away]

Jess

What?! Schmidtyyyy [follows him] Come on. I’ve internet dated before! You send an email, you get excited, you wait, you get an email back…

Schmidt

You are just describing emailing.

Jess

Winston, I'm so sorry. I ruined everything. You would have been such a good cop. You would have made someone really lucky to have you as a partner.

Winston

I always imagined I'd have a partner named Robertson.

Jess

That would have been perfect.

Winston

Yeah.

Jess

"Robertson, you're on the edge! You've gone too far!"

Winston

No, no, no. See, the thing about me and Robertson is that we're tight. You know, then I went ahead and slept with his wife.

Jess

Why would you do that?

Winston

I don't know why... I don't know why I would do that. The job really gets to you.

Winston

Oh, hey. How do I look?

Jess

Terrible.

Schmidt

N-Not for me.

Nick

Not great.

Coach

Like crap.

Jess

Go change.

Schmidt

I don't like any of it.

Winston

Wow. You guys are like rubbing alcohol. You sting me in the now, but you save me in the later.

Jess

Love is never what you think it's gonna be, is it?

Nick

No, it isn't.

Jess

[thinking Cece likes Nick] You know who's great? Cece.

Nick

One of our finest. Lovely woman.

Jess

And she has so much to offer.

Nick

[thinking about Cece's popcorn machine idea] Is that what this is about? She sends you to sell me on it?

Jess

No, Nick. She doesn't know I'm talking to you at all. Wait. You guys have talked about it?

Nick

All the time. But I thought she and I had come to a decision.

Jess

Which is?

Nick

It's not happening.

Jess

Well, why not?

Nick

'Cause I'm not interested. And I know it's not cool to say, but... I don't like the way it would look.

Jess

People are gonna say what they're gonna say. They're not reasons not to go through with it.

Nick

Fine. You want to know my biggest concern? My biggest concern is the smell.

Jess

...The smell?

Nick

The smell of it. Yeah, and it's not Cece's fault. I mean, they all smell. I've told her that.

Jess

You told Cece you think all women...

Nick

Don't make this a feminist thing...

Jess

It... I'm not making it a feminist thing.

Nick

How? They smell terrible. It's common knowledge.

Jess

I thought your biggest concern would be how it affected the people around you.

Nick

I mean, sure, a bunch of old drunks will grab at it...

Jess

But if your biggest concern is the smell, I'm sure that's highly manageable.

Nick

Yeah, I guess there's, like, special solvents and soaps. I-I haven't read up on it that much. You know, but you got to really get in there and scrub it out. It's disgusting. You know, 'cause of the daily wear and tear and... oil and grease just cooking in there. It's enough to make a man barf thinking about it. I mean, they get really hot.

Jess

I know what temperature it gets.

Nick

But if I'm being honest, you know, and I haven't talked to her about this, but I do have good memories associated with the smell. Ball games, the circus, hanging with my dad.

Jess

Listen here, you idiot. I've known Cece a very long time, and I can promise you the smell will not be a problem.

Nick

That's really easy for you to say 'cause you're not the one who's gonna have to remind her to clean it all the time.

Jess

I promise you, if it becomes a problem, I will remind her.

Nick

Well, if you remind her and she doesn't do it, I don't want you sneaking around and cleaning it yourself.

Jess

[scoffs] Nick! I'm a good friend, but I am not that good of a friend.