Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

You're not a Bond villain, Daniel. You're a fraud, and frauds don't get to speechify like Bond villains. They do get to die like them.

Tony

[to Bishop] He can't even argue like a cool Cyborg.

Tony

[in interrogation] I can't speak for Tim, but I'm itchy, I'm irritated and I have a gun!

Gibbs

We're LEO's.

Ah, I'm a Capricorn.

Tony

LEO, short for Law Enforcement Officer.

Gibbs

Are you... new at this, Dennis?

First week! [checks their papers] N-C-I-S. Never heard of it.

Gibbs

[to Tony] Now that's embarrassing.

NCIS? That anything like CSI?

Tony

Only if you're dyslexic.

Tony

Gibbs, the pilot won't take off until the Secret Service chick gives us the... [sees Kate with Gibbs] ... thumbs up.

Kate

I think that just made it my team.

Gibbs

No, means I'm gonna have to hijack Air Force One. Tony, escort Agent Todd off this aircraft and close the hatch.

Kate

You're not serious! Wait. Fine. Your team. But just because I don't want to have to delay us any further by having to shoot you.

Tony

Excuse me. You'll need to stand clear so I can take measurements for my crime scene sketches. Thanks.

Kate

Sketches? You've taken a dozen photos.

Tony

[Picks up a men's magazine] Tell me her measurements.

Kate

You're pathetic.

Tony

No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's 5'4 and a 34C or 5'7 and a 36D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements. Thanks.

Ducky

I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony, but isn't 36D a bit of wishful thinking?

Tony

You think?

Abby

What are you going to do while I test for poison in a health snack?

Tony

I'll wait.

Abby

There's a futon under the desk.

Tony

Bless you.

Abby

What are you, my priest?

Tony

Curse you?

Tony

Why didn't you take this fast to me, Abby?

Abby

You're like a piercing, Tony, it takes awhile for the throbbing to stop and for the skin to grow back.

Tony

Well, that's more than I wanted to know.

Abby

Sulfuric Acid. That'd chew the shine off a trailer hitch.

Kate

How'd you get into this?

Abby

I filled out an application.

Kate

How'd you get into NCIS?

Tony

I smiled.

Tony

What's your chute number?

Four.

Tony

Four's unlucky in China.

Gibbs

We're not in China.

Why you jumping with us, Sir?

Tony

Always wanted to jump. Gibbs came along to laugh.

Gibbs

Come on, lets get you boots, you can't do field work in heels.

Tony

Depends what kind of field work!

Kate

DiNozzo, your mind goes from X to XXX.

Tony

Yeh...

Tony

My dad gave me a power sander for my birthday. I don't really power-sand much.You're welcome to it.

Gibbs

Besides that bare bulb and that plug going to that idiot box do you see a power cord anywhere around here?

Tony

You use hand tools, huh?

Gibbs

I use my hands.

Tony

Jumping's gotta be so cool.

Gibbs

Hey. You wanna play paratrooper? Pay $180 dollars and take your class like all those other weekend warriors.

Tony

Yeah, I have so many weekends free.