Eric Beale quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Callen

Eric, I need you to bring our servers back online. I want you to re-activate the computer virus that Keelson introduced to our system.

Eric

Are you serious?

Callen

Very.

Eric

You're asking me to commit technological malpractice.

Eric

Gotta love that bureaucracy.

Nate

You mean, the bureaucracy we work for?

Eric

Like I said, love that bureaucracy.

Deeks

I think there's something wrong with you hot water heater.

Hetty

The showers are on timers Mr. Deeks, you obviously exceeded the recommended duration.

Kensi

You might want to make an exception in his case, he really needs it.

Deeks

For your information, I won the hygiene award in high school.

Eric

What kind of school rewards you for bathing?

Deeks

I don't know, man, a sparkly clean one?

Eric

[Clears throat] I wouldn't exactly call it a problem. More like a situation - may be a problem.

Nell

Hmm. Because I'm new?

Eric

No. Because you...

Nell

Finish your sentences.

Nell

Has to do with being a type "A" with borderline ADD. And control issues with men I admire. [Clears throat] It's something I'm aware of and working on and hope one day to have a measure of control over.

Eric

You admire me?

Eric

Well, this is weird. According to the military database, there's no Tracy Keller listed as next of kin.

Callen

That's because the name's an alias.

Kensi

An alias for who?

Callen

My ex-wife.

Callen

Anybody see anything?

Eric

Wait a second. I've got one of the guys who killed the cop. He's at the bus stop across the street.

Sam

Three more guys in a Jaguar pulling up behind you, G. [realizes] This is a stakeout.

Deeks

A stakeout for what?

Callen

Us. Cole must have told them about Renner's safe deposit box before they killed him. Without the key, they're stuck.

Kensi

They're waiting for us to get the book. Then they're going to try and take it.

Sam

They got to ID us first.

Callen

[answers his cellphone] Yeah?

Do not move, Agent Callen.

Callen

[looks down and spots a red dot on his chest] Sam, I think they already have.

Kensi

Can you shut down his server?

Eric

His server, his cell service, his electricity. You name it.

Deeks

Can you get me free cable?

Deeks

No, because that would be piracy.

Is that what you call surveillance?

Deeks

Uh, we sure as hell surveilled your FBI asses.

You're interfering with a federal investigation.

Kensi

Uh, our investigation, actually.

We've been working this case for months.

Callen

And it's clearly time for us to take over.

Kensi

You wouldn't have even known there was a leak if Naval Intelligence hadn't discovered it.

Isn't that an oxymoron?

Kensi

No. But there is a moron in all this - several, in fact.

Deeks

Oh, snap. What? Point: Kensi. FBI serves.

You've overstepped your jurisdiction. We're the senior agency here.

Callen

Good point. But... it's best to be sure about a thing like that. I'll get Hetty in on this. [speed-dials cell phone] Hetty, this is Callen. We got a situation.

Hetty? As in Henrietta Lange?

Kensi

You know her?

We've heard stories.

Sounds like a whole lot of urban legend if you ask me.

Deeks

Au contrare, mon frer. She's real. And you do not want that little chupacabra surveilling your asses.

Callen

[hands his phone to Frisbee] She wants to talk to you.

This is Agent Frisbee.

Eric

[whispering] Landon Archibald Frisbee, born in Hackensack, New Jersey.

Hetty

Agent Landon Archibald Frisbee from Hackensack?

Yes.

Nell

His wife's name's Darlene.

Hetty

How's your wife, Darlene?

She's fine.

Eric

[whispering] Lots of late-night phone calls to this woman... Uh, Heather Teasdale. She's a recent divorcée, works in the same federal building.

Hetty

How's Heather?

[clears throat] Heather?

Hetty

Teasdale. Oh, no. Oh, was that a secret? I'm so sorry. I think we can both agree, Agent Frisbee, that this is a matter of national security.

It's "Freeze-be."

Hetty

I would hate to have to call Bobby and complain to him about your reluctance to collaborate with us on such a serious matter.

Bobby?

Hetty

Your director!

[clears throat] I don't, um... Think that'll be necessary.

Hetty

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. Have a wonderful day... Agent Frisbee.

It's Freeze... [Hetty hangs up] [phone beeps]

Sam

You should've told me.

Hetty

That's precisely why I didn't.

Sam

Moe isn't trained for this. He shouldn't be in there alone.

Hetty

He isn't in there alone. You underestimate me, Mr. Hanna. One of our best people is in there with him. Uh, Eric, ISP number 579.72.351.462. Access camera 7.

Eric

Okay.

Nell

I'm sorry where is this?

Eric

Oakville Federal Prison.

Hetty

I'm sure Nate is more than capable of this.

Nell

Hi, Nate.

Nate

Hi, Nell.

Eric

You two know each other?

Nate

We go back a few years.

Sam

Need to stop this video Eric!

Eric

Video's already in the cloud, the auto run script executable is about to go live, I'm almost there....

Sam

Eric!!

Eric

Video's been disabled guys.

Hetty

What did you just do?

Eric

I used a VNC controller to piggyback the upload with a Trojan and corrupt the streaming data packets by initiating the stack buffer overflow.

Hetty

(pause) In English, Mr. Beal?

Eric

Oh...I broke the Internet.

Where'd you learn how to do that?

Kensi

Misspent youth.

Eric

[Watching from Ops] Actually, I talked her through it.

Nell

Yeah, we never get the credit.

Eric

Or the glamour.

Eric

Which is totally overrated because I love my job - love it!

Eric

He got trapped in a satellite test chamber.

Deeks

Looks like he didn't pass the test.

Eric

Black Ops, Call of Duty - I've wiped out entire platoons in an afternoon. World of Warcraft - God knows how many.

Hetty

Mr. Beale?

Eric

...I don't have to bring a gun, do I? I don't think I could actually really kill someone.

Hetty

Heaven forbid. I have no intention of making you carry a weapon.

Hetty

Relax, Mr. Beale. This isn't rocket science after all... Well, actually, in this case, I guess it is.

Hetty

You'll do fine. Nell will be listening in on you at all times.

Eric

"At all times?" What if I have to use the restroom? I have a shy bladder.

Nell

Ray couldn't testify against the Southland Kings even if he wanted to. He doesn't have the intel - unless...

Callen

Nelson Sanders told them that Ray did.

Nell

Uh huh.

Callen

That's not bad.

Sam

Maybe we need to get her away from her desk more often.

Eric

I heard that Rock Star.