Hetty Lange quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Hetty

Take her out to dinner, after the case is over.

Callen

Agent Giordano?

Hetty

Hmm... and take Sam the next night, you know how he gets.

Hetty

That phone call is for you, Mr. Callen. Director Vance. [Phone rings]

Callen

Callen. Yes, director. Standby. [hangs up] How does she do that?

Sam

I don't know, but that's the worst tea I've ever had in my entire life.

Kensi

So how does a former KGB agent end up so wealthy, so fast?

Hetty

Because he knows where the bodies are buried. [pauses] Most likely because he's the one who buried them.

Vance

[greeting Hetty] Welcome to DC, Henrietta.

Hetty

Director Vance, door-to-door service, how out of character.

Vance

Well people can change and I owe you one, big time.

Hetty

You do, especially for forcing me to leave the children in charge.

Vance

How much trouble can they get into in eight hours?

Eric

This is Eric.

Hetty

It's good to hear you still know who you are.

Eric

Ah, Hetty, you having a good time in Washington?

Hetty

The last person to have a good time in Washington was General Jubal Early in 1864, he was attacking it at the time.

Nate

Organization and productivity are directly correlated. Cleanliness is next to... um... efficiency.

Kensi

So, you moved our stuff?

Nate

I tried to stop her.

Callen

Hetty. She's the only one... [Callen pauses as Hetty walks up.]

Hetty

Continue, Mr. Callen, continue.

Callen

...With the authority.

Hetty

Ah, um, Nate, if your comment that "They might be miffed" constitutes trying to stop me, I suggest you learn more forceful techniques of self-assertion, not that I would have listened.

Vance

I'm sending our top forensics specialist to assist you.

Sam

But there are no forensics.

Vance

Our forensic expert has a theory about this crime that's, shall we say, original. Thinks McEllon is the victim of a serial killer. No other law enforcement organization in this country thinks this killer even exists. Can't say I do either.

Callen

And you're sending this person why?

Vance

I was ganged up on. [Vance signals for an end to the video conference.]

Callen

Who gangs up on the director of a federal agency?

Hetty

Oh, you'd be surprised Mr. Callen.

Callen

And who's the expert?

Abby

[Off screen] Oops. I think I took a wrong turn. Hello?

Eric

Abby? We're in here.

Abby

[enters Ops] There you are. Hi. Wow! This place is seriously cool.

Hetty

What did you do to your tie?

Nate

Oh, I, uh, I spilled something on it.

Hetty

Ah.

Nate

Yeah. Should I get it dry cleaned?

Hetty

Well, that's an option.

Nate

Soda water?

Hetty

I'd recommend either donation or incineration, not in that order.

Nate

You don't like this tie, it... it was a gift.

Hetty

Obviously not from a loved one.

Nate

You think I could pull off a bow tie?

Hetty

Not without a red rubber nose and those big floppy shoes.

Kensi

Looks like Hetty is still here.

Sam

She worries.

Callen

Not that she'd ever let us know.

Hetty

I had some paperwork that needed to be completed before tomorrow, Mr. Callen; some of us take our paperwork seriously.

Hetty

I already sent the others upstairs.

Callen

Good morning, Hetty.

Hetty

Well that's a matter of perspective, Mr. Callen. Uh, I've been doing some accounting and I came across an anomaly in your expenses. This is a fourteen hundred dollar restaurant bill from Matsukisa.

Callen

Um-hmm, that's from the Miygomi case.

Hetty

You mean it's not a mistake? You actually spent fourteen hundred dollars on raw fish!

Callen

Not me, my alias Tony Z did.

Hetty

Ah, ah, ah and is Tony Z going to reimburse me?

Callen

Well, you'll have to talk to him about that.

Hetty

Uh-huh.

Callen

Hetty, when I go undercover as a beach bum, I eat at the Kogi truck. When I'm going after high rollers, I've got to hit it a little harder.

Hetty

Try ordering soup, player.

Callen

We're putting together a good case here, okay? A big one.

Sam

Hetty, Zafari's up to something, we can't stop now.

Hetty

This is coming from "on high". When I say "on high", I mean those with the political venom to end the careers of each and every one of us, including Director Vance.

Kensi

I can't believe this, all we need is a little more time.

Hetty

I know, I know. If I may slip into the vernacular, "It sucks". But when you hear from me again in an hour or so, you will shut this down.

Nate

Bowling, it's great competition, builds camaraderie and you get to wear those funny shoes.

[Unison] No bowling!

Nate

Okay, what about the cowboy bar on Sunset?

Hetty

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Sam

They have a mechanical bull, Hetty.

Hetty

Oh, no, never mind.

Kensi

Am I the only one who wonders why there's a suspect in every case who happens to be a bachelor?

Nate

Well, seeing as how criminals tend to be males with anti-social proclivities...

Kensi

And also wonders why that always seems to be the vector that we go after first?

Hetty

The lowest hanging fruit is the easiest to pick, Agent Blye.

Hetty

I see that the ice and aspirin club is at it again. Every time I come here, I feel like I've stepped into a damn Hardy Boys novel. I gather that you couldn't talk your way out of this one?

Callen

Yeah, we had a little bit of a language barrier.

Sam

And a 'I want you dead' barrier.