Marty Deeks quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Sam

He was saving his furry butt, that's what he was doing. That why they retired him?

Deeks

Actually the vet that did his psyche eval said he had a nervous condition. It's kind of like canine PTSD.

Sam

Puppy Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Kensi

[to a pair who are trying to get surveillance tapes] Federal Agents. Stop!

Deeks

STOP!

Sam

Like she said. Federal Agents. Stop!

Deeks

Why don't they ever stop? It amazes me that they never stop.

Kensi

Have you guys seen Deeks?

Callen

Uh, good morning to you, too.

Kensi

Hi. Have you heard from him?

Sam

It's only 9:00.

Kensi

I know, but he was supposed to pick me up at the airport this morning and he never showed.

Callen

That's right. How was Hawaii?

Kensi

It was fine.

Sam

Meet anyone? Go to any luaus? Solve any crime?

Kensi

It was fine. Back to Deeks. I called his house number, I called his cell. No answer anywhere.

Callen

He's probably just hungover.

Sam

Or surfing.

Callen

Or he forgot.

Sam

Or all of the above.

Kensi

He has flaked on me before, and I suppose he does sleep through his alarm on a regular basis. So, yeah, you guys are right. Of course. Whatchya eating?

Callen

Bacon, eggs, mine.

Deeks

Really? That's it? No phone calls to the hospital or the morgue? I mean, I could be lying in a ditch someplace.

Kensi

What are we talking about?

Deeks

Nothing! We're talking about absolutely nothing.

Callen

Someone called into a talk radio show last night, sounded exactly like Deeks.

Kensi

Did he now? What was he calling about?

Callen

Oh, he just wanted to talk about his feelings... for a co-worker (Kensi smiles)

Kensi

Speaking of partners, where's Sam? Mr. Always 5 minutes early is late - again.

Deeks

And he's taken 3 long weekends this month.

Kensi

You know what that means?

Deeks

He's in rehearsals for an off Broadway revival of Cats.

Callen

I'll tell him you said that.

Deeks

Don't you think it's strange that Callen's a talk radio guy?

Callen

Why's that?

Deeks

I don't know. I've always kind of considered you more of a - you know a - TV static white noise type of guy.

Callen

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Deeks

Well, I am a man of mystery.

Kensi

Mystery or misery?

Hetty

The waltz was revolutionary in the late 18th century because it was the first time couples faced each other when they danced. It was a scandalous display of public intimacy.

Deeks

Public intimacy-- I like it.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

Kensi

He's stepping on me.

Deeks

That's not true. You just keep putting your feet underneath mine when I lift them.

Kensi

You know where I'm gonna put my foot?

Deeks

[Kensi's captive. Deeks passes by holding a painting seemingly oblivious] Are you digging the art in this place as much as I am? I mean it's cool. It's bold. Why aren't there more cool, you know? Oh there's another one! I wannna show you this one. This is my favorite [goes off screen] It's the perfect combination of girls and guns. [returns with his weapon drawn] Let me make this perfectly clear. If you harm her, this is gonna be your last day on Earth.

Who are you?

Sam

[Entering from behind with weapons drawn] Federal Agents! Drop you weapon!

[In recognition] Agent Sam Hanna.

Sam

Turn around - slowly.

Deeks

Rand's dead. Gunshot wounds.

Eric

Are you sure he's dead?

Deeks

Eric, I'm looking right at the body.

Eric

Well,that's really weird.

Hetty

Why?

Eric

Because there's another email being composed right this second from Rand to Khaleed's compound.

Deeks

[Kensi enters the back of Deeks's car] Did anybody ever tell you how cute you are when you're homicidal angry?

Kensi

I'm not angry. In fact, I could slit your jugular vein 11 different ways from where I'm sitting and wouldn't lose my temper.

Deeks

I'm sorry I had to lie to you. I was protecting you.

Kensi

You were protecting me?

Deeks

Us

Kensi

Us?

Deeks

Our...Our thing

Kensi

Whoa! So there is a thing?

Hetty

Detective Deeks.

Deeks

Yes?

Hetty

The LAPD has cut its ties with NCIS. Liason duties are discontinued effective immediately... I'm sorry. [leaves]

Kensi

Wh-what does that mean?

Deeks

Hetty just fired me.

You regret it?

Deeks

I thought the lowrider was going to kill the girl then kill me. I made a judgement call. I'll live with it.

I meant NCIS. I thought they'd fight a lot harder to keep you. Apparently, you don't belong there either.

Callen

All right. There must be other toy ponies.

Sam

You don't get it. She talks. She flaps her wings. And she responds to 30 commands.

Kensi

OH! Five more than Deeks.

Deeks

[enters] How's that? Talking about me?

Callen

Well, maybe Santa will bring it to her.

Sam

Maybe I'll tell her Uncle Callen said he'd get it for her. "It's okay baby girl, Uncle Callen didn't mean to let you down."

Deeks

That's messed up!

Callen

You wouldn't.

Kensi

You shouldn't!

Sam

Ho ho ho.