Marty Deeks quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Eric

He got trapped in a satellite test chamber.

Deeks

Looks like he didn't pass the test.

Callen

Anything useful on Drewett's cellphone?

Nell

Uh, it froze and melted.

Deeks

So it... frelted?

Callen

Spell that.

Deeks

Well, maybe we should have set up your relocation in Nebraska.

That's not funny. I'm the best informant you ever had.

Deeks

A claim you can only make due to the fact that you're a criminal.

Retired! You're looking at the new man - upstanding citizen.

Deeks

[laughs] Must've been difficult to say with a straight face.

Hetty

So this is the infamous Max Gentry.

Deeks

This is an alias I did not miss.

Hetty

As I recall, his reputation was less than stellar.

Deeks

I've known Ray since I was 10 years old. I used our friendship to keep him in the line of fire as an informant. The only reason he risked himself is because he trusted me.

Hetty

And yet, he didn't tell you about his change in travel plans.

Deeks

Doesn't matter. Somebody's gotta look out for him.

Deeks

I was 11 years old, my dad was... one drink away from killing my mom and me.

Hetty

Until you shot him in self-defense.

Deeks

.38 revolver that I used - Ray's the one that gave it to me.

Hetty

You know, some might say you've paid that debt. Rather than send him to jail, you took him under your wing.

Deeks

Let's be honest, I turned my best friend into a snitch for $100/week. If he gets himself killed, it's on me.

Deeks

Thank you for letting Ray take Jenna with him.

Hetty

No one should live out his life alone - including you.

Deeks

What are you talking about? I got you. I'll be fine.

Callen

[about Hetty] Why would she be worried about me?

Sam

You can be a worrisome guy. [chuckles] She pulled me aside - wanted to talk about it today.

Kensi

Me too. But not about you. It - we had a real heart-to-heart today - about the future.

Deeks

Me three. She's talking about things changing.

Callen

Guys. She's putting her affairs in order.

Kensi

You took cover behind Hetty's jag?

Deeks

What - are you insane?

Callen

Well, they were shooting. It was close.

Deeks

And you think Hetty's going to be fine with that?

Sam

What'd you want us to do? Get shot?

Kensi

Well, personally, I would've risked it.

Kensi

Have we heard any news on Hetty's condition?

Sam

According to Nell, Hetty's still keeping an eye on things.

Callen

Big Brother is watching.

Deeks

Or in Hetty's case - Little Mother.

Deeks

What? You guys have been doing this too long. You're getting paranoid.

Hetty

[From Deeks's computer] A healthy dose of paranoia can keep you alive in this business, detective.

Deeks

[yells out startled and slams the computer shut] Whoa! Did you just see that?

Sam

I saw you slam Hetty's face shut.

Kensi

I'll go in as a tutor. Deeks can go in as a dog walker or something.

Deeks

Okay. Why can't I go in as a tutor and you go in as a dog walker?

Sam

It's called a mirror.

Deeks

How dare you, sir! Has anyone here gone to Law School? Huh? Anyone passed the Bar Exam in the State of California? Anyone?... Anyone?

Kensi

This coming from a guy who learned how to tie his shoes at... 12.

Callen

Really?

Deeks

I'm from L.A... I grew up in sandals.

Callen

[Eric starts showing some video footage] Can you read what she's saying, Kens?

Eric

I ran the footage through a lip reading program.

Kensi

[Offended] Excuse me? [scoffs] A computer program can't duplicate a skilled human lip reader.

Eric

Well, the software suggest she's saying something about gambling.

Deeks

Gambling?

Kensi

[scoffs and watches the footage] ... It's possible.

Callen

It's comparing apples and oranges.

Sam

Lethal injection or firing squad.

Kensi

Not really fair to either of them.

Deeks

I'm just saying comparison begs to be made.

Callen

Hetty or Hunter?

Deeks

Pick your poison.

Deeks

Okay, that's my face you just stepped on. Please do something stupid so my partner can shoot you.

Sam

Why'd you run?

Bomb.

Deeks

Eric, I need you to run a plate for me. 2, S as in Slayer, M as in Metallica, A as in Anthrax, 5-6-4, P as in uh, parsnip.

Eric

Parsnip? Your lettering system is Heavy Metal bands, and you're giving me a root vegetable for P?

Deeks

I don't know, man. I drew a blank.

Eric

Pantera? Hello.

Deeks

Oh. Cowboys from Hell. What was I thinking?

Kensi

Have you ever considered that maybe Monty just likes the sound of voices coming from the radio? That it doesn't really matter what we're listening to?

Deeks

Wait for it.

Deeks

Okay. Changing it back, buddy. Changing it back. Therapists explained it to me. Monty's uh archetypal canine subconscious...

Kensi

Okay. Stop.

Deeks

It's actually Pavlovian.

Kensi

No. You have to stop. This is getting far too weird.