Marty Deeks quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Is that what you call surveillance?

Deeks

Uh, we sure as hell surveilled your FBI asses.

You're interfering with a federal investigation.

Kensi

Uh, our investigation, actually.

We've been working this case for months.

Callen

And it's clearly time for us to take over.

Kensi

You wouldn't have even known there was a leak if Naval Intelligence hadn't discovered it.

Isn't that an oxymoron?

Kensi

No. But there is a moron in all this - several, in fact.

Deeks

Oh, snap. What? Point: Kensi. FBI serves.

You've overstepped your jurisdiction. We're the senior agency here.

Callen

Good point. But... it's best to be sure about a thing like that. I'll get Hetty in on this. [speed-dials cell phone] Hetty, this is Callen. We got a situation.

Hetty? As in Henrietta Lange?

Kensi

You know her?

We've heard stories.

Sounds like a whole lot of urban legend if you ask me.

Deeks

Au contrare, mon frer. She's real. And you do not want that little chupacabra surveilling your asses.

Callen

[hands his phone to Frisbee] She wants to talk to you.

This is Agent Frisbee.

Eric

[whispering] Landon Archibald Frisbee, born in Hackensack, New Jersey.

Hetty

Agent Landon Archibald Frisbee from Hackensack?

Yes.

Nell

His wife's name's Darlene.

Hetty

How's your wife, Darlene?

She's fine.

Eric

[whispering] Lots of late-night phone calls to this woman... Uh, Heather Teasdale. She's a recent divorcée, works in the same federal building.

Hetty

How's Heather?

[clears throat] Heather?

Hetty

Teasdale. Oh, no. Oh, was that a secret? I'm so sorry. I think we can both agree, Agent Frisbee, that this is a matter of national security.

It's "Freeze-be."

Hetty

I would hate to have to call Bobby and complain to him about your reluctance to collaborate with us on such a serious matter.

Bobby?

Hetty

Your director!

[clears throat] I don't, um... Think that'll be necessary.

Hetty

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. Have a wonderful day... Agent Frisbee.

It's Freeze... [Hetty hangs up] [phone beeps]

Deeks

[Kensi is eating her breakfast] You want to talk about it?

Kensi

No.

Deeks

We're - we're here to listen.

Kensi

No, I'm fine.

Sam

Let her eat her feelings in peace.

Deeks

I didn't tell her because I didn't think it was gonna be a big deal.

Kensi

You went out with one of her girlfriends.

Deeks

For drinks, all right? And it was her friend's idea. I - I was just being polite.

Kensi

So you wouldn't have slept with her friend if she'd offered?

Deeks

No... Okay, maybe. But just to be polite. You know, because I'm a hopeless romantic.

Kensi

To me, you're just hopeless.

Sam

Besides you don't look like a cop.

Deeks

Okay, that's on purpose! All this [gestures at his face] is so I can work undercover.

Sam

As what? Shaggy from Scooby-Doo?

Kensi

Oh my god, you do look like Shaggy!

Kensi

Oh hey, guys! What did Eric do with the video?

Sam

He shut down the Internet.

Kensi

(looking astonished) What....the WHOLE Internet?

Sam

(matter-of-fact) Yeah.

Deeks

Even Twitter? Whoa.

Deeks

Do I know you?

Kensi

Deeks.

Kensi

I'm serious, Deeks.

Deeks

My name is Deeks. really? I'm just kidding, I remember you Fern.

Kensi

Yeah? You're a funny guy? I'm gonna punch you in your bullet hole.

Deeks

That sounds vaguely dirty. I think I'm gonna have to tell Hetty.

Deeks

Hospital admin asked me for my next of kin. Who should I, uh... Who should I put down?

Hetty

Lange. Henrietta.

Sam

[about Deeks] The guy gets shot because he doesn't alter his daily routine. I wanted to make sure he got the memo on personal security. Being this is his first day back and all.

Callen

And?

Sam

Got tired of waiting for him to leave home. I guess he slept through his alarm clock.

Kensi

Better call him then.

Sam

...That's my bag.

Sam

What the -?

Deeks

[enters and takes the phone from Sam] That'd be for me.

Callen

[after Deeks puts his cellphone in Sam's bag] Who did you pay and how much?

Deeks

School kid. 20 bucks.

Deeks

(walking into a suspect's motel room) Ya know, for a guy who lived here for 18 months, he sure doesn't have much to show for it. He's got no big screen flat plasma TV...

Kensi

[clicking on laptop] Computer's configured for Arabic.

Deeks

[opens fridge] No beer. No funky, week-old clothes in the corner. No pizza boxes. This is very un-American.

Kensi

[picks up passport] Felix Attino. Colombian.

Deeks

That explains why he's un-American, but not why he speaks Arabic.

Kensi

[picks up a second passport] This would. A Yemini passport. Look at the name.

Deeks

We just found Abdul's brother.

Deeks

[shoots a cardboard Hetty Target on the range] Uh... Oops.

Hetty

Cheeky bastard.

Sam

No offense, but survival kits are for urban sissies who don't know how to make a floatation device out of a pair of pants.

Callen

Or how to extract the venom out of a horned viper using only a twig and a shoelace.

Deeks

Or how to make a latte without soy milk.

Kensi

[about an earthquake] Crack of dawn. Shook me right out of bed. You guys didn't feel it?

Callen

I was on a run.

Sam

Deep sleeper.

Deeks

You forget I'm from Californ-I-A. We don't get out of bed for anything less than a 6.

Deeks

Why do bad guys always have such awesome houses?

Sam

What's the matter, Deeks? Not feeling your loft?

Deeks

This guy's got his own Hobbit Shire.

Deeks

Poop scooping aside, though, going undercover is the best part of our job. I mean, you get to be somebody you're not.

Sam

For you that's an improvement.

Kensi

And also, you like to lie.

Deeks

What? No. I thought we were picking on Sam. And secondly, it's not lying. It's uh, truth - reimagined for the higher good.