G. Callen quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Callen

That's nine.

Sam

Nine what?

Callen

Nine times we've done the... corrupt agent... betrays his partner routine.

Sam

Didn't know you were keeping count.

Callen

You'd keep track too if you were the one getting a knee to the solar plexus.

Hetty

I sense impending mayhem... and perhaps an outrageous petty cash request.

Callen

One simple question, Hetty.

Sam

Do you trust us?

Callen

Did you take anything new away from Renner's?

Kensi

Yes-- these two guys. These jokers waltzed in while we were there, tried to pass themselves off as NSA agents, but they're DGSE -- French Intelligence Agency.

Sam

How'd you know they were bogus?

Kensi

[shrugging] Their accents.

Deeks

They didn't have accents.

Kensi

Do you know the difference between French open syllabic organization and English trochaic speech patterning, Deeks?

Deeks

[awkwardly] That old chestnut?

Sam

Where are they now?

Deeks

Had my LAPD buddies lock 'em up downtown for a few hours. You know, give 'em a taste of the real LA that's not in the star tours.

Callen

They probably have diplomatic immunity.

Deeks

That's exactly why we put them in county. I mean they're going to be lucky if they get to make a phone call by Christmas!

Sam

Hm.

Deeks

Just, uh... don't let Kensi interrogate them.

Callen

Why is that?

Deeks

Well, 'cause the guy on the right, she kicked him right in the nom de plumes.

Sam

No!

Deeks

Guy didn't even have his weapon out!

Callen

Really?

Kensi

I...

Deeks

Uh huh. Right in the cul-de-sac. Kicked him so hard it gave me a stomachache!

Kensi

So what? It would have been better if I had pistol whipped him across the face?

[simultaneously] Yes!

Callen

Anybody see anything?

Eric

Wait a second. I've got one of the guys who killed the cop. He's at the bus stop across the street.

Sam

Three more guys in a Jaguar pulling up behind you, G. [realizes] This is a stakeout.

Deeks

A stakeout for what?

Callen

Us. Cole must have told them about Renner's safe deposit box before they killed him. Without the key, they're stuck.

Kensi

They're waiting for us to get the book. Then they're going to try and take it.

Sam

They got to ID us first.

Callen

[answers his cellphone] Yeah?

Do not move, Agent Callen.

Callen

[looks down and spots a red dot on his chest] Sam, I think they already have.

Kensi

Hetty's never given us anything for Christmas before. Why this year?

Callen

Exactly.

Deeks

Because she knows I like surprises.

Sam

You guys ever feel like we're stuck babysitting some kid whose parents won't come to get him - ever.

Callen

Dare I ask what we did to deserve this, Hetty?

Hetty

Rest assured, Mr. Callen, I never give gifts unless they perfectly suit the recipients.

Callen

And perfection struck four times today?

Hetty

...Happy Holidays everyone!

Deeks

The report says it's a home invasion gone bad. Yousef Afzal was killed by blunt force trauma to the head, he was hit, he fell, and then died.

Kensi

And then half autopsied.

Sam

And then stolen.

Callen

That's a bad day, even for a dead guy.

Callen

So why do you steal a dead body?

Kensi

Proof of death.

Sam

Satanic ritual.

Deeks

Cannibalism.

Deeks

I was just thinking outside the box.

Sam

You need to get back in the box.

Hetty

Move it, Mr. Callen.

Callen

I've got more body mass to move than you.

Hetty

You've got a lot more excuses too.

Hetty

I just got off the phone with Director Vance. He's on his way to brief Sec Nav. Who in turn has an appointment with the President. You know what that means, don't you?

Callen

Heads are going to roll.

Hetty

It's that other end of one's anatomy I'm worried about. The ass chewing gets worse on the way back down the ladder.

Callen

What does that mean? You're next?

Hetty

No. Because you're going to resolve this before that happens.

Callen

I will do my best to protect your ass... sets.

You're making a big mistake.

Callen

That's actually my line.

You prepared to shoot three FBI Agents in broad daylight?... [Starts to go for his ID] May I?

Callen

Left hand.

Callen

You looking for this?

Deeks

Oh buddy that badge better be real, or my partner's gonna kick you in the FBI balls.

Is that what you call surveillance?

Deeks

Uh, we sure as hell surveilled your FBI asses.

You're interfering with a federal investigation.

Kensi

Uh, our investigation, actually.

We've been working this case for months.

Callen

And it's clearly time for us to take over.

Kensi

You wouldn't have even known there was a leak if Naval Intelligence hadn't discovered it.

Isn't that an oxymoron?

Kensi

No. But there is a moron in all this - several, in fact.

Deeks

Oh, snap. What? Point: Kensi. FBI serves.

You've overstepped your jurisdiction. We're the senior agency here.

Callen

Good point. But... it's best to be sure about a thing like that. I'll get Hetty in on this. [speed-dials cell phone] Hetty, this is Callen. We got a situation.

Hetty? As in Henrietta Lange?

Kensi

You know her?

We've heard stories.

Sounds like a whole lot of urban legend if you ask me.

Deeks

Au contrare, mon frer. She's real. And you do not want that little chupacabra surveilling your asses.

Callen

[hands his phone to Frisbee] She wants to talk to you.

This is Agent Frisbee.

Eric

[whispering] Landon Archibald Frisbee, born in Hackensack, New Jersey.

Hetty

Agent Landon Archibald Frisbee from Hackensack?

Yes.

Nell

His wife's name's Darlene.

Hetty

How's your wife, Darlene?

She's fine.

Eric

[whispering] Lots of late-night phone calls to this woman... Uh, Heather Teasdale. She's a recent divorcée, works in the same federal building.

Hetty

How's Heather?

[clears throat] Heather?

Hetty

Teasdale. Oh, no. Oh, was that a secret? I'm so sorry. I think we can both agree, Agent Frisbee, that this is a matter of national security.

It's "Freeze-be."

Hetty

I would hate to have to call Bobby and complain to him about your reluctance to collaborate with us on such a serious matter.

Bobby?

Hetty

Your director!

[clears throat] I don't, um... Think that'll be necessary.

Hetty

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. Have a wonderful day... Agent Frisbee.

It's Freeze... [Hetty hangs up] [phone beeps]

Hetty

You see what happens when you pull away from your team.

Callen

My team? I didn't hire Deeks, or any of them for that matter.

Hetty

No, if I left the hiring up to you, you'd be the only person working here.

Callen

You saying I don't play well with others, Hetty?

Hetty

I'm suggesting that your default is to go it alone when you may be needing them most. I'd like to think that I impart a certain wisdom and skillset to those who pass through those doors. The one wish I have for you, Mr. Callen, is that by the time you leave here, you've learned the art of trusting others in your personal life as well as at work.

Callen

[On his cellphone] Nell, you don't have to whisper.

Nell

Right, well, maybe I don't have to, but I would prefer to, if that's okay with you? Not that I don't respect your authority, Agent Callen. It's just, I think it's in my best interest not to get on Hetty's bad side.

Hetty

[Entering] Too late dear.