G. Callen quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Sam

What are the chances this isn't a suicide?

Eric

I'd say zero percent.

Callen

What do you know that we don't?

Eric

Mmmmm... The words to every TV theme song?

Hetty

I see that the ice and aspirin club is at it again. Every time I come here, I feel like I've stepped into a damn Hardy Boys novel. I gather that you couldn't talk your way out of this one?

Callen

Yeah, we had a little bit of a language barrier.

Sam

And a 'I want you dead' barrier.

Sam

Take Kensi. [Everyone looks at Sam] Yeah, you heard me. I know you're taking PCH. I'm not sitting in traffic. So, I'll find out everything I can about Yeoman Rush. You two suck exhaust for the next two hours.

Callen

You suit yourself. Come on Kens. Hey, what do you say we, uh, stop for some donuts?

Kensi

I love donuts.

Sam

You didn't say anything about donuts!

Hetty

Wushu is the Chinese martial art with 18 arms or weapons. I prefer the steel whip or the meteor hammer, but you have to stay in practise with all of them.

Callen

No doubt. I mean, you never know when a horde of murderous Mongols are gonna come galloping over Laurel Canyon.

Eric

[blows a whistle from the balcony to the rest of the team] All hands on deck.

Callen

[to Hetty] You gave him a whistle?

Hetty

Oh, do I look as if I've gone daft? I'd sooner give a chain saw to a spider monkey. At least I took his Segway away. I'll speak to Mr. Beale.

Sam

Sooner than later, okay. Because the next time he toots that thing, he won't be using his lips.

Callen

You want to be briefed on this?

Hetty

I don't know. Do I?

Callen

I can run it by Director Vance, if you prefer.

Hetty

Oh Lord, no. One of the reasons I'm here is to protect him as a designated fall guy. 'I had no previous knowledge of the operation, Mister Secretary. That mad woman went off her rocker and acted autonomously.'

Callen

You're the first line of defense?

Hetty

Yeah, you gotta get by me first.

Hetty

Go with God, Mister Callen or whoever it is who watches over you.

Callen

I have a guardian angel. She's tiny, but very tough.

Callen

I'm supposed to look like I can spend 50 and you're on the hook after five?

Deeks

She threatened me with a letter opener!

Callen

I guess some people gotta learn the hard way.

Deeks

Why? What are you-?

Callen

[Loudly to a waitress] We'll take two more bottles.

Deeks

Oh, come on. What? You got some sort of Superman double back flip where you can dodge bullets? I mean you can't tell me I shouldn't have taken that shot.

Callen

No. I'm glad you did.

Callen

You okay?

Eric

I'm not comfortable with authority figures. It's why I do what I do, computers don't talk back. Well, I mean technically they can, but even then I can manipulate the voice to make it soothing, if I want. Sexy, even.

Callen

Too much information!

Callen

Agents Callen and Hanna, NCIS.

Major Rick Medina, Army CID out of Washington. I just got an earful from my boss, who got an earful from your boss. Meaning I'm already prone not to like you guys.

Sam

I'm not feeling a lot of love for you right now either.

Callen

Eric, let me talk to Vance.

Vance

Vance.

Callen

Has Army CID been briefed on this op?

Vance

In the interests of joint operational intelligence, yes, they have. I told Major Medina that Keshwar was being held on a Turkish ship.

Callen

Well, he beat us to it. Medina just took Keshwar into custody.

Vance

Callen, I didn't say which ship. Medina never gave me the chance. He hung up before I could tell him.

Hetty

Mr. Callen, is this your third cell phone of the day?

Callen

I'm keeping receipts.

Callen

What happened to protocol?

Hetty

It went out the proverbial damn window. I've been thinking a great deal about your situation. Nate has misgivings about your state of mind.

Callen

Well, he's going to have to get in line.

Hetty

During this crisis, he thought he should have a gun.

Callen

You didn't?

Hetty

Perish the thought.

Callen

Eric, I need you to bring our servers back online. I want you to re-activate the computer virus that Keelson introduced to our system.

Eric

Are you serious?

Callen

Very.

Eric

You're asking me to commit technological malpractice.

Callen

[Seeing a box with his name on it] See if they've got one on you, or Hetty.

Sam

[Long pause as Sam searches] Nothing on me. Two boxes on Hetty.