G. Callen quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Hetty

What is this Mr. Callen?

Callen

Uh, that is a knit combed cotton.

Hetty

With a bloodstain.

Callen

I would never bleed on your wardrobe, it had to be a bad guy.

Hetty

Good, bad or ugly, I don't care. The point is you neglected to tell me about it and now it's set long enough so that it might be permanent.

Sam

Hetty, it's just a shirt.

Hetty

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is not just a shirt. This is a Saville Row one hundred percent polished Egyptian cotton hand stitched with pearl buttons. That thing you're wearing is just a shirt.

Sam

Yeah, but it's a comfy shirt.

Hetty

(to Callen) Your new color scheme is black.

Callen

I can live with black.

Callen

[to Nate] So, basically you don't have squat.

Nate

I'd say it's more of a broad spectrum of possibilities.

Sam

Yeah, that's what they call squat.

Callen

(About an origami figure Sam made.) Is that a frog?

Sam

It's a swan.

Callen

From where, Chernobyl?

Callen

I don't know, I... I think I like the boat idea better. I can just kinda sail off.

Sam

Do you know how to sail?

Callen

No.

Sam

Well that could be a problem.

Callen

He's a bureaucrat, Sam thinks I have a deep-seated suspicion of them.

Vance

I'm a bureaucrat, Agent Callen.

Callen

I don't have a deep-seated suspicion of you, uh, Director.

Sam

You want to peak your head over and take a look?

Callen

I'm good.

Sam

Operators are made, they're not born, G. Skills can be taught.

Sam

Teachers learn to be teachers, cops learn to be cops.

Callen

Mm-hmm. And somebody taught LeBron how to dunk from the free-throw line.

Sam

SEALs learn to be SEALs, G.

Callen

Oh, that's right. You couldn't swim when you enlisted, could you? How long did they let you wear the floaties? Look, I will take a lazy natural operator over an all-night studier any day of the week.

Sam

[sarcastic] It's too late, I already did it.

Callen

Mm-hm.

Hetty

Nature versus nurture, quite the conundrum.

Callen

You cannot use the word "conundrum" before 9:30, Hetty.

Hetty

9:31, which means, Mr. Callen, you're late.

Sam

So, do you think Hetty was born or made?

Callen

Hatched.

Callen

I don't date law enforcement.

Sam

I think you might want to make an exception this time.

Callen

Sam, you know the rule, if they've got their own handcuffs, I'm out.

Hetty

Take her out to dinner, after the case is over.

Callen

Agent Giordano?

Hetty

Hmm... and take Sam the next night, you know how he gets.

Hetty

That phone call is for you, Mr. Callen. Director Vance. [Phone rings]

Callen

Callen. Yes, director. Standby. [hangs up] How does she do that?

Sam

I don't know, but that's the worst tea I've ever had in my entire life.

Vance

Someone's been watching you Agent Callen. I need to know who. I need to know why. Anything you might have forgotten to tell me about?

Callen

Not that would explain this.

Sam

We got a plan?

Callen

Yeah, how about we kick in his door and ask him why he's the only one of us that didn't get shot?

Sam

I've used that one before, it's a very effective plan.

Callen

You wanna explain yourself?

Sam

Explain myself? I saved your skinny ass.

Callen

Let's see, I had a gun and a hostage before you got here. Now I'm... I'm chained up to a stove with a concussion, that's a nice save.

Sam

Ten more seconds, you'd have a dozen new bullet holes in you.

Callen

Now what?

Sam

I was hoping you had some ideas.

Callen

I'm thinking I want my gun and my hostage back.

Callen

You know that was really stupid coming in to get me.

Sam

Calling me stupid? You wanted to "Butch Cassidy" me. You wanted to run for it.

Callen

Yeah, it wasn't my best idea.

Sam

You wanted to "Custer's last stand" me. You want to "Alamo" me.

Callen

You going to put that in your little report, with color-coded tabs?

Sam

Yeah, tabs marked "Dumb ass idea".

Callen

Nice job, Special Agent Hanna.

Sam

Aah, you said it. You feel good?

Callen

Nah, it cheapens the work.