[Over a shot of an airplane landing, in the midst of a soundtrack that consists mostly of blaring horns...]
MAMike [as Narrator]
Here, we're flying in another trumpet section.
“The Beast of Yucca Flats” · Season 6
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (29), Mike Nelson (24), Tom Servo (20), Narrator (20), Gypsy (1)
[On the next piece of background music]
CCrow
Okay, let's get funky.
For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean.
CACrow [as Narrator]
...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.
MAMike [as Narrator]
Look, just come here!
[Another piece of background music ends.]
MCMike, Crow, Servo
PROGRESS!
[As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]
CCrow
Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held.
Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.
Here, Up With People get down.
[A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]
MCMike, Crow, Servo
GAMBLING!
Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family.
Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma...
[After a normal piece of music is heard, a better piece of background music begins to play.]
CCrow
Hit me!
A band concert under warm, tropical skies.
CCrow
The music of John Phillips Salsa.
It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago.
[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]
MCMike, Crow, Servo
A CENTURY AGO!
[Over a shot of cows grazing..]
CACrow [as Narrator]
Here are some moo cows.
The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries.
MAMike [as Narrator]
...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs.
[As the narrator talks about Puerto Rico's most famous export, rum, we see workers at a bottling plant.]
SAServo [as worker, drunkenly]
I love this job!
Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy.
CACrow [as Narrator]
So, drink rum constantly.
[Shot of front of Digital building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]
CCrow
Why, even aliens from Mars are here!
[The segment on features an explosion, followed by more shots.]
CCrow
Then KISS came to town!
MAMike [as Narrator]
We don't know what this is, folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff.
. . .
[We see record players being made.]
These'll nevr go out of style.
CCrow
Comes complete with a Peter Frampton album.
[The short ends with the shots seen in the opening again.]
CCrow
Okay, we'll move there!
Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.