Mike quotes from My Boys

[to Kenny] Hey, don't feel bad, you did better than last year, okay?

Mike

It was odd, it was like little girl hands.

Mike

You're a good friend.

Bobby

You're a good friend too.

Mike

You're a really good friend.

Bobby

You're a really good friend.

Alright, before you two start making out can we please get back to the game!

This has been my favorite episode of Gilmore Girls.

Mike

Alright! [throws poker chip at Andy]

[in Valley Girl imitation] You guys were mad at each other, but then you got back together!

Mike

Come on, Kenny, the guy tried to bring a goat into Wrigley Field.

Kenny

The goat had a ticket.

Brendan

It wasn't Goat Day.

Kenny

That's why he bought a ticket. Otherwise he'd have got in free.

Mike

I made out with my 10th grade English teacher, Miss Francis.

What?!

Mike

No, nonononono! It was two years ago, not when I was in high school. That would have been totally creepy.

Brendan

Did you call her Miss Francis?

Mike

Yes.

Brendan

That's still pretty creepy.

Mike

You know, something's been bugging me the last couple of days. Did Brendan put a baby in your stomach?

Yes, she lives with my mother.

That's who that little girl is! The one in the rock shirts with the five o'clock shadow.

Mike

We're celebrating, Bobby got his old job back!

Bobby

Yup, pay cut and everything.

Yeah, and I'm helping him celebrate while traffic clears.

It's nine o'clock, I think traffic's clear.

It worked! Let's celebrate!

Mike

This is just the beginning. Today, The Turk Vardell Show. Tomorrow, SportsCenter.

Kenny

For two years. Then, The PJ Franklin Show. [Kenny and Mike scat an improvised theme song ending with PJ]

Brendan

Oh man, you're gonna be huge. National. I mean, you're gonna become America's sweetheart.

Bobby

Then you'll buy an enormous mansion, marry a rock star, develop a drug problem, become a recluse, disappear for a while... you know, lots of rumours that you're dead.

Mike

Then you're not! You reemerge with a brief stint on a cheesy reality show because you gotta lose the recluse weight.

Kenny

Then, you get your comeback. The New PJ Franklin Show. Same theme song! [Kenny and Mike do PJ theme song again]

Bobby

And then, it's time to write your crappy children's book, Even Unicorns Say I'm Sorry. [Kenny and Mike scat some more.]

Mike

Sweet! Oh we are totally going. Oh, there will be a ton of women there hoping to glom on to one of the sexy bachelors.

Kenny

But we're not one of 'em.

Mike

Nope, but we know one. So we hover around Brando all night and when the moment's right, bang!

Kenny

Bang!

Mike

We swoop in to snag his drunken castoffs.

[falsetto] Daddy, how did you meet Mommy? [deep voice] Well dear, Mommy was a drunken castoff.

Bobby

Yeah, see, she wanted to go home with Uncle Brando that night, but Daddy was in the right place at the right time.

Daddy, do you think I can be a drunken castoff someday?

Dare to dream, sweetie. Goodnight.

Dude, I cannot date him, okay, he is a Cub, alright! That is breaking like a ton of unwritten journalism rules.

Mike

Unwritten rules were meant to be... written.

Kenny

Then broken.

Mike

Written then broken. Thanks Kenny, I got a little lost there.

Mike

"Brendan. You screened my call, douchebag. You're a really big douche. If you were a superhero you'd be Captain Douchebag. Your superpowers would be screening calls and the ability to wreck any hang. Douche." And then I drew a picture of you as Captain Douchebag.

Who is he fighting?

Mike

That's a giant lizard.