Misfits · Season 1
Don't you have any shame?
Don't you have any dress sense? Seriously, you look like my mum.
And you look like a slut.
[Amused] Are you for real?
You think having sex with boys will make them respect you? If you behave like a slut, they’ll treat you like a slut.
Freak.
What's he doing here?
Who is he?
He's police.
[Walks in wearing a formal grey dress] Morning! [Goes through door]
What is up with that?
You want to tell me what's going on? What's with the makeover?
If you dress like a slut, people will treat you like a slut.
What's happened to you?
I'm sorting my life out. All the drugs and the drink-driving. I've done so many things I'm ashamed of. And I... touched myself in front of you.
[Chuckles] I'm pretty sure you enjoyed it.
Well, I shouldn't be masturbating in public toilets. I'm saving myself until I'm ready to make a proper commitment.
It's a bit late for that.
No, it's never too late.
And it's not too late for you either. Lisha, what is this? Has it got something to do with that lot we saw yesterday?
You should come to our meeting.
Did they do something to you?
You used to have so much going for you. You threw it all away. So pathetic.
This isn't you.
We can help you, Curtis. Excuse me.
[To Nathan who is sitting on a bench rolling a joint with walkman earbuds in] Excuse me, you know using Marijuana can cause epilepsy and mental illness? ...I'm talking to you! What's wrong with you? You don't need to behave like this. You can be so much better. [Starts whispering her mind control seed]
[He then stands up unaffected and walks past Rachel] Nice cardigan!
She's saying all this weird stuff about sex and that. She says she's saving herself until she's ready to make a proper commitment.
It's a sad day for all of us when a bird like that decides it's time to pull up her knickers.
You realize that's my girlfriend you're talking about?
And I feel your pain. [Puts hand on Curtis shoulder who swipes it off and points in Nathan's face]
Wash your hands before you touch me!
Have you finished?
[Puts index finger to lips] The beast is back in his cage. He is sleeping. Shhh!
It's that lot we saw yesterday. She's dressing like that. They did something to her.
What, like brainwashing or something?
It's the storm.
How d'you know that? You don't know that?
When weird stuff happens, it's always the storm. Haven't you worked that out yet?
He has got a point.
Did you just recently GROW A SET OF BALLS?
I've always had a set of balls. You just never seen them.
That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.
It's my wank sock.
Aw no! Use a tissue!
Well that requires planning, man. Look, you just knocked one out, right? Poom-byo! You're lying there, you're feeling cheap and deflated. There’s a pool of rapidly cooling spunk on your stomach. You’re looking round for something to mop up with. Oh, hello. What’s this? It’s a sock. Job done. Thank you.
Maybe that's your power!
I am very good at it.
There's never a probation worker around when you need one.
Who's Barry?
You are.
His name is Simon.
Is it? I thought it was Barry.
What if that “virtue bitch” shows up? She is vexing them with some kind of Derren Brown voodoo mind shit. We need to gear up.
Oh no…
Why are you in my bedroom?
What did they do to you?
I think I look nice.
Okay, yeah, I suppose you could argue it’s a huge improvement. I get that. It’s not you.
That’s a good thing. I had a terrible attitude. I was so aggressive.
Yes, but in a good way. You’re the only person that gives me a slap. There’s no bullshit with you.
I was a horrible chav. I didn’t like who I was.
I did... I can’t believe I’m going to say this... I liked your attitude. I liked how you look, the way you scraped your hair back so that sometimes you looked a bit oriental. It worked for me. And your jewelry! You know, Argos has a bad press. Who says you can’t buy an engagement ring and a George Foreman grill at the same time? Your makeup! This is probably better actually. Look, what I’m trying to say here is that it should have been a complete car crash, but it wasn’t. It had attitude! Like you, it was you. And now you’re not… you. I have never... should have left you back there. I shouldn't have left you, I'm sorry. [kisses her on the cheek]
That was really inappropriate.
[Appears in control room pretending to be one of the “good guys” and Nathan sees him and walks up with a clipboard] Nathan. I'm so glad you're with us now.
I'm so pleased to be here. I was such a loser. The drugs, the sex... all that fast food. I was so miserable.
I hear you. You were such an annoying idiot.
What's this?
Oh, it's a petition. We're campaigning against contraceptives being given out in schools. Will you sign it?
There's only one thing ladies should be inserting in themselves... and that's knowledge. [Curtis chuckles and Nathan sees Rachel walking in a tight skirt and turning around] Please excuse me.
She's got you thinking this is how you're supposed to be. Well, it's not! We're young. We're supposed to drink too much. We're supposed to have bad attitudes and shag each other's brains out. We are designed to party. This is it. Yeah, so a few of us will overdose or go mental. But Charles Darwin said you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. And that's what it's all about - breaking eggs! And by eggs, I do mean, getting twatted on a cocktail of Class A's. If you could just see yourselves! It breaks my heart. You're wearing cardigans! We had it all. We fucked up bigger and better than any generation that came before us. We were so beautiful! We're screw-ups. I'm a screw-up and I plan to be a screw-up until my late 20s, maybe even my early 30s. And I will shag my own mother before I let her... or anyone else, take that away from me!
Your gun's leaking! [Pause] So you threatened me with a water pistol?!
[Simon appears] Save me, Barry! [Nathan falls off the roof] No...!
Kelly. This is for you. [gives her a CD]
What is it?
Watch it.
I've got a power. I bloody knew it! Who's laughing now? ...I'm alive! Help! HELP! You buried me alive you dicks! Help! ...I'm immortal. That's just great. Thank you. Thanks a lot. [Puts in iPod earbuds] Un-fucking-believable. [Plays iPod]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Misfits pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
