[Simon gets hit] BARRY...!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Don't worry about me. I'll just die... again.
LLucy
Do you really think they're going to be friends with someone like you?
[Nods] For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong. I've never been this happy.
LLucy
You should have visited me.
I couldn't go back to the unit. I can't go back.
LLucy
It's where you belong.
I'm not that person any more. I like who I am now. Don't take that away from me.
That stuff I said about your... huge vagina. I didn't mean it. I'm sure it's a beauty.
It's stuff you say all the time. It's just who you are.
[Simon lifts freezer to show Sally dead] Hmm... So sad.... Oh, hey, man, Cornettos!
I'm gonna join the circus. They can throw knives at me - people pay good money to see that shit. And then I'm making serious cash. And where the cash goes, the pussy follows. No offence, ladies.
I haven't got a brother. I'm a classic example of an only child.
I'm gonna take a shit on his bed.
What?!
I don't think you should do that.
We need to send a message. Let him know he can't fuck with us.
And how does taking a shit in his bed do that?
They did it in The Godfather.
They put a horse's head in the bed.
Well, have you got a horse's head?
Why did you hit me?
Because I panicked, alright? Don't make a big deal out of it!
JJamie
Tell him.
Okay, look. I know it's too late for me and you. I get that. I've known you didn't give a shit ever since you left me in IKEA with that paedophile!
What paedophile?!
My eighth birthday! IKEA? The guy with the Swedish meatballs?
I don't remember that!
How very convenient.
It's just the thing about the guy that was seeing your mum, uh, you said was trying to, uh, sexually abuse you!
No, no, no, I made that up! This is something else! IKEA paedophile! Jesus, meatballs!
This isn't about who was or wasn't trying to sexually abuse me, right? It's about you and Jamie. Look, so I'm pretty much a complete write off. That's fine! Whatever...
Nathan...
And so he hit you with a toaster, and kidnapped you, but you know what they say? Don't fuck a wounded bear!
Jamie's dead!
[Scoffs] He's standing right there!
What? He's dead, son! He was in a car. It caught fire. I've just had to go and identify his body. [telephone rings] Look, this is his mother. I've gotta talk to her.
You're dead?
JJamie
Yeah.
So how come I can see you?
JJamie
I guess it's 'cause you're immortal?
No, no, this isn't happening! No, no, no, I can fix this! How do I fix this?
JJamie
You can't.
I don't want you to die, mate!
JJamie
It wasn't down to you. So don't go all mental about it. To be honest, it's not so bad!
So, if you're dead, what am I doing here, exactly?
JJamie
I wanted you to sort things out with dad.
Look, no offence, but I think it's gonna take more than you dying to fix years of resentment, missed birthdays and all that dysfunctional bullshit, but it was a lovely thought!
Right. Put all this shit in that skip.
Would it kill you to dress it up a bit?
Put all this shit in that skip, please.
Sometimes I wonder if you take this job entirely seriously.
I'm 100% committed to your ongoing rehabilitation. It occupies my every waking minute. [Leaves]
Er, where are you going?
For a coffee and a Danish.
Smug bastard.
[Nikki leaves her flat] I just want to talk to you.
Really?! "Cause I thought you might want to break into my flat and shit in my bed.
That wasn't me. We got the wrong flat.
You tell your little friend he owes me a new mattress. He wiped his arse on my pyjamas.
Yeah, that's the kind of thing he does. He's not right in the head.
What?
I know this gonna sound weird and crap, but... I feel like I know you.
You feel like you know me! You smooth bastard. We can help yourself. [Lifts her skirt up] Just pull my knickers up when you're done. I'll order a pizza.
Are you always such a bitch?
Are you always such a weird twat? Are we done?
Yeah. I want to know everything there is to know about you.
Like what?
Anything.
[Affected by Vince's power] I wanna know everything there is to know about you.
Like what?
Anything.
I... I just bought the Battlestar Galactica DVD box set.
Tell me about your first sexual experience. Do you want to hear about mine? It was a family camping holiday. One of my mum's friends came with us, and one night, I felt her hand sliding into my sleeping bag, like a warm, friendly snake. Hmm! Then she grabs my cock and starts wanking me off. She had lovely little hands. Like a midget's.
Your hand's on my leg.
Shh.
What are you doing?!
You don't know how much I've always wanted to do that. Feel my heart. It's racing. It's okay, it's okay. I'll be gentle. Why don't we slip your trousers off? It's okay, we don't have to fight any longer. I want to see it!
Argh! [Gets up and walks away]
Simon. Simon, don't go. We don't have to go all the way - we can just cuddle. And when you're ready, we can do some dry humping. Call me!
I've never thank you. I wanted you to know. Thanks.
Why are you being so nice to me?
I can be nice. Sometimes. Look, if I've ever been a bitch to you, ...I'm sorry.
I've never thought you're a bitch. Sometimes I think it's difficult for beautiful girls. People don't see past their looks.
Were you sniffing my knickers?
FSFuture Simon
You think I risked my life travelling through the dimensions of time so I could sniff your knickers?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Misfits pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.