Metalocalypse Season 1 quotes

All right, listen up! First things first. The conditions down here are repugnant! It's infested with rats, moles, and some strain of flesh-eating virus.

Nathan

Pretty metal.

Murderface

Pretty metal.

Oh is it? Your staff is dying down here. Is that metal?

Murderface

I hate to say it, but, yeah.

Nathan

Yeah, not to be contradictory but it's very metal.

(pause) Is it metal to have your drains clogged with dead, rotting employees?

Nathan

Yeah. It is, actually.

Murderface

Metal.

Is it metal to have easily avoidable work-related accidents the cause of death?

Murderface

Yeah, again, metal.

Is it metal for none of you to care at all?

Nathan

Yeah it's way more metal if we don't care about it.

Well... I guess I uh didn't know all that stuff was metal. Anyway, follow me.

Charles

I've grown quite accustomed to working with Dethklok, and, uh, you'd probably have to kill me to get them away from me. This is good brandy. Really good brandy.

Nathan

[to Pickles] Don't give Murderface any firecrackers, we just have to hold them.

Murderface

[walks over] Hey, can I have a firecracker?

Pickles

You know what? I think there's some over there. [points to a blank patch of grass]

Murderface

Where? I don't see any. [bends over muttering, Nathan lights a firecracker, and puts it in Murderface's pants] There's no firecrackers. [the firecracker explodes] AHHH! THAT FUCKING HURTS!

Nathan

They're down there somewhere, just keep looking.

Murderface

Alright. [bends over again, Nathan lights another firecracker, sets it in Murderface's pants and it explodes] AHHHH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DID IT AGAIN!

Nathan

Murderface.

Murderface

[slight pause] What?

Nathan

You gotta find these firecrackers, they're down there somewhere.

Pickles

Yeah, they're in the grass, look!

Murderface

I can't see 'em.

Pickles

Smash your face into the grass and look hard. [Murderface looks some more, while Nathan lights yet another firecracker and sets it in Murderface's pants] There you go, now you got it. [it explodes]

Murderface

OH YOU MOTHERFUCKER, OW THAT HURT!

Skwisgaar

So's. Your dads gots the Bigs K: Cancers.

Skwisgaar

Just gonna stares at me for a while or uh...

Skwisgaar

Looks I don't know what's to says, you're staring at me, I'm just looksing at you and you just stands there likes a fish! [walks over] Hey Toki, let's hears you say somethings positive!

Yeah, it's not so bads after alls.

Skwisgaar

There you go!

Who needs a fathers anyways?

Skwisgaar

Dats right! I don't really gots a dad, do I?

Yeah, you never knows your father's!

Skwisgaar

That's right, Toki! I never...never really uh...[suddenly depressed] Oh...I don'ts...I don'ts have a father.

Skwisgaar

[angry] I don't wants to! I wants to bes in a bads mood! GETS OUT OF HERE!

You know, Toki's kind of in a fragile state of mind right now. He could really use your support.

Murderface

Ah, don't let him fool you. He's tough as nails.

Pickles

Come on, you don't think Toki's gonna freak out or anything, you know, like do something-- should we hide the guns?

Well I wouldn't go that far,I think he's just a little sad.

Murderface

He's gonna kill himself?

Pickles

No, I mean he might kill us.

Murderface

He's the one to do that, he's a strange-- I don't trust him.

Nathan

He's fucked in the head.

Murderface

He's fucked in the head. I don't trust him and--

Toki

[walks in] Hello.

AHHHH!

Nathan

Don't fucking do that to me.

Toki

Gots to go to Norway now, sees my dad die... Sees ya.

Skwisgaar

See yous laters, Tokis, haves a greats time.

Pickles

Oh yeah, and say hi to your dad from us. I mean, if he doesn't die before you get there. Well, y'know, say hi to his corpse I guess. Y'know? I don't know.

Nathan

Yeah, no matter what happens, say hi.

Okay. Off to the recording room. Chop chop. Let's go. To the studio. Let's go. Get up. We gotta record...

Murderface

[a firecracker just exploded in his hand] That's my bass playing hand!

Pickles

[sarcastic] Uh-oh! There goes the band!

Nathan Explosion

You know I actually am looking forward to going to Norway. It is the birth place of Black Metal. It's gonna be fun..[to Toki]..I mean aside from your dad...dying slowly from cancer....how you doing with that by the way?

Murderface

My dad's dead. He killed my mom then he killed himself, didn't affect me at all.

Pickles

How's it gonna affect you? You were just a baby.

Murderface

I was never a baby! I had to become a man then and there!

Nathan

You're still a baby now.

Murderface

A baby with a man's heart! I'm...a warrior.

Pickles

My dad is just like a stare and say nothing weirdo, and if he died...well, ya know? What are you gonna do about it?

Nathan

I actually get along with my dad. You know, we drink a lot of beer and we go hunting. If he died...whoa...That'd be fucked up. But hey. [nudges Toki] It's your dad that's gonna die. My dad's safe!

Stampingston

Toki Wartooth's father is on his deathbed. Gentlemen, our psychological death expert, Dr. Ralphus Galgensmelter.

Toki Wartooth has become a messenger of death. Everything he touches with his love will die! FOR he brings death with him like a blackened cloud, hovering in the cold. Night. Sky. Like the Grim Reaper himself, his guitar is his scythe. He...cascades into the open window of your child's cradle, to suck the very life...from your baby's breath.

Crozier

What a load of horseshit.

Toki

This is my olds friend, Vrunkus Snorge.

Well, if it isn't the commercially successfuls Toki Wartooth.

Nathan

Guy seems like an asshole.

I am pagans dropped in this conservative hell that is Norway.

Pickles

Man, what the fuck are you listenin' to?

This ams a demo tape from my band Hestekuk, what means "a horse's dick". Do you like it?

Pickles

I dunno, it's okay.

Then I hate it!

Nathan

Hey, where's all the Dethklok albums?

I don't sell them. [scoffs] Too digital.

Murderface

[reading a pamphlet about Norway] Hey did you know that Norway has the lowest murder rate in the whole world? The lowest in the world?!

Nathan

Wait a minute, you mean the murder rate in Canada is higher than Norway?

Murderface

Yeah.

Nathan

Oh my God, that's lame! This place is lame.

Murderface

Admit it Toki, Norway's not brutal.

Nathan

Danbury, Connecticut is more brutal.

Pickles

Yeah, dude. Tomahawk, Wisconsin, it's way more brutal. At least we got crystal meth!

Toki

Oh, he sinks into the darkness!