Metalocalypse · Season 1
What in the fucking names of Odin?!
What the hell was that?
Dude, where are we's? What the fuck we just flies in? ...What the hell was wrong with your guitar sounds tonight?
The hells that supposed to mean, it sounded great!
Nope. Sounds dildos. Agains.
Dude, it was a fan attack! That's what Ofdensen warned us about!
Why do fans, feel that they have to do that? I mean what, to get noticed?
I know, there's so many nice kids out there, and just a couple of them gotta attack you? Spoils it for everyone!
I know. Sad... Sad for them.
It is sad! It's sad for them!
It's pathetic, it just makes me feel sorry for them, that's all.
Oh, must be a rescue team. Hey guys, DOWN HERE!
IT'S US, DETHKLOK, STRANDED OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
Oh, I hope they brought some fuckin' food!
I feel like eating cheese. Like, really fancy cheese, what's the name of that cheese, Renoir?
Yeah, I could do that. Maybe a little Kool-Aid of, you know... of the, you know, the grape, persuasion...
That's what I'm talkin' about!
Oh look, firecrackers!
Oh, let's steal them!
I remember when I was a child -
I'm just sayings I can hears you guitars ringing out in my monitor mix, yous are half-assing!
[offended] How dare you! I'm sellin' it - You - I'm kicking ass! You just stand there! [makes a noise] Just boring! I'm rocking it every -
Yeah, well that's the expense of sloppys playing. You see Toki -
Dat's weird!
[aiming handguns at Toki and Skwisgaar] It's time to die!
I will seesk you in Valhalska.
... I've always hated you, Skwisgaar...
I knows, Toki... I knows.
That's my bread and butter you're fucking with.
It's time.
No! We must-a pray first! Or it will be devastating!
Do it. Now.
Pater noster, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur -
You have betrayed me!
[to Cardinal Ravenwood] Be blind.
What are you doing?!
You I need alive. Sleep.
[to the unconscious Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface] We will meet again.
[hoarsely, as he is dying] The Metalocalypse has begun...
It pains me that I do not have the ability to bring Dethklok back to the public. Therefore, I give you this. [pulls out a shotgun and shoots himself in the mouth, and begins gurgling.]
Gentlemen, I have the recording schedules right here. You'll see that we need to get started on the new record pretty soon, so... [Dethklok is not paying any attention to him, the only sound is Murderface's knife on a plate] Uh. Nothin'?
Can you just at least ask us how we're doing, or something? Y'know, before you start with all this... robotic crap? I mean, am I wrong?-
Yeah, you're all like, "Here's the schedule and now get to work, you ugly humps!" [offended] Ugly humps?!
You're like a robot. You're like an... emotionless robot.
Yeah. He is a robot.
Robot.
You're a robot.
Robots are not to be trusted...
Okay, fine. Uh. How are... all of you?
Hows ares wes? WE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVINGS A FUCKING DINNERS MEAL! DATS HOWS WE AM!
Toki, you may clear the table, when you feel that it's time.
Any of you guys mind if I mace this stupid turkey?
Aw, go ahead. I don't want no more.
OH, YEAH! [maces the turkey with a device attached to his crotch] Take that you stupid turkey! Right in you face!
Uh... I'm sorry, what is that?
Oh, this a Pelvic Thrust Mace Belt.
Don't you take away my ability to have tantrums! Alright? That you cannot have! Alright?! YOU ROBOT!
I... must say I have never seen you this reclusive and moody before. But, there must be something we can do to get you guys back out there playing shows.
Well, what of the fans out there who wanna kill us?
Well, there won't be. I have a proposal I think you'll be interested in, since your concern with security has increased. A number of criminals are to be executed soon, and the prison system has asked you to perform at this execution because-
Nooooo. Pass.
And they want you to pick how they're executed.
AWWWWWWWW, AWWWWWWWWWW! DARN, THAT'S AWESOME! THAT'S REALLY AWESOME!
Is this, uh, something you would, uh, consider, doing?
[throws his bottle] URRRRR!!!!!!! YEAH! BUT IT'S GOTTA BE REALLY FUCKING BRUTAL!
You wanted to, talk to me ?
Oh yeah. Sit down.
No, thank you. I'll stand.
Oh. We, We we wanted to say we're sorry. There. [chuckles] There you go. Get outta here.
You're sorry for... releasing dangerous criminals back into the streets?
No... about calling you a robot.
You're not a robot.
No, you're not a robot.
Not a robot.
No you are not... and we know that must have made you feel bad.
Mm-hmm.
Ands, listens, you's the bests butler we's ever had, so we no wants yous to quit.
I'm uh, not a butler... Nevermind. That's all, then?
That's it. I mean, uh, we're glad you forced us out there again. Y'know, it felt good. Y-y-y'know, couple of things I would have done differently though, y'know, whatever ...
You mean like, not blind the stage driver and crash it into a prison of dangerous criminals?
Heheh - no, that was a happy accident. Eeehh.
Oh, and remember, start thinking about that new record.
ROBOT!
Gentlemen, it appears that Dethklok... IS BACK.
Hey! Whats the hells you doings right now?
Why it's gots to be about you? Whats about my guitar playings?
Heh, whats about it, you know?
I’m the guitarist too, Skwisgaar! Sometimes you forget. I wants to play the scales and the notes and everything likes you! But you don’ts lets me, YOU DON’TS LETS ME!
You're totallys attacking me right now!
HE’S HOLDING ME BACKS, EVERYBODY! I’M A GUITARIST TOO!! [throws down his guitar and walks off.] You know it!
It should be clear at this point that Toki is concerned about his role in the band.
What do you mean? He's, he's the rhythm guitar player, am I right?
Yes, he, is, but he's been complaining that he doesn't get enough spotlight. And it's become apparent, uh, in the media. Take a look at that. [throws down a magazine that reads "Will Toki go to War for More Notes?"]
What does he care? He don't even practice or nothin'. He doesn't write, he just shows up. That guy doesn't do anything!
HEY! He makes sandwiches, alright?
I make sandwiches.
WOAH! THAT GUY DOESN'T DO ANYTHING!
Well, uh, he is a band member, so try to, be nice to him.
[contemptuously] HEY HEY! Why don't you just uhhh, why don't you just get out of here and let the big boys deal with this one. Or maybe just write it down in that stupid little book, you know, you file away with all receipts for your lollipops and your pretzels, idiot.
[offended] Uhh... excuse me?
I'm just messing with you, man! [snickers]
You uh, sure about that?
[ingenuinely]] Yeah, just pallin' around. Just being a little dick, you know.
Fine then, good day. [leaves]
Wow you are a DICK!
Yeah you've got it down to a science!
You notice how I'm not mad. He gets mad. That's being a dick.
It's amazing just to be able to manipulate like that. Wow! What a gift!
How do you just turn it on like that?
Well, it... It takes years boys. I mean- Pickles, you got something on your shirt right there. [puts a finger on his shirt]
I do? [looks down and Murderface punches him]
Blammo!
...Ow.
Whoa...what a dick.
Oh Toki, its adorables, you really wants to takes more solos, but I am the lead guitarist, you know, why? because I ams, hows do you says, way more gooders than you.
Dat's why I needs me a piano teacher!
You mean guitar teacher.
Looks looks, I give you guitar lesson huh? Takes you under my flippers, huh?
Wes not goes downs that dusty roads again!
What do you mean?
Okay Toki, plays mes a harmonic minor scales in the key of uh, D.
Oh, like this. [plays a single note]
[suddenly] WROOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! [pulls a chord that sends a bucket of blood on Toki's head and they fight.]
You not a great teacher, Skwisgaar.
Permits me to disagree.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Metalocalypse pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
