Well, maybe we should takes a break, you know? Being bleak and dark for a living sometimes makes you lose your objectivity for, you know, being bleak and dark.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
AAuctioneer
And now we will auction the skull from the famous comedian, Buddy Hackett. We'll start this bid at fifty thousand dollars.
Oh, I gots to have that.
AAuctioneer
Fifty thousand. Do I hear sixty thousand?
Yeah.
This going to be a long night.
DGDr. Donald Gorfield
Well, the people of the world are depressed and stupid. They look to comedy to lighten the load of their boring, dreadful lives. These idiots have been force-fed garbage from our own secret cable networks and our own employees covering as high-profile standup and sketch comics. Should we lose control of this, only God knows what will happen.
CComedian
Autobots, remember those? How about Decepticons, remember those? What about Masters of the Universe? Hey, talk about egomaniacs, Masters of the Universe! We're Masters of the Universe! Hey, at least they ain't Smurfs! Huh? Or worse, Snorks! Remember? Snorks! Remember those? Sounds like someone falling asleep! SNOOOORKS! SNOOOORKS!
AAnnouncer
Ladies and gentlemen, please be gentle, it's their first time on stage, The Brothers... of DECEPTION!
So, I was thinking of killing myself...
That's funny, I was thinking of killing you too.
Well, how d'you like dat.
Mom always hated you most.
She hates boths of us, deh most!
[whispers] I hates you. Seriously.
[whispers back] Okay.
What if your guts was a bowling ball? Well, I bet it would look something like this - [he holds up a bunch of organs in the shape of a sphere]
Yeah, I'm real sick of my brother, yeah we're twins. Anybody got twins out there? Anybody got one like this? Meet Kuato.
Well hey bodybag! How's it going? [impersonating bodybag] Smells like somebody took a crap in here! [normal voice] Ohh, bodybag! Well, look bodybag, it's your old friends Brains! [holds up a brain with flies around it, an elderly person gets ready to vomit] [Nathan impersonating brain] Hey idiot! I'm Brains, I go in your head. [The elderly person vomits]
Okay, we are gonna delight you all with a little improvisational comedy. Now all we need to start is one location.
AMAudience Member
HOW 'BOUT A DIFFERENT COMEDY CLUB? [laughter]
Okay, I heard a... gas station.
I'm a gas station attendant!
[sitting on a stool pretending to hold a steering wheel] Fill her up, I am driving a Corvette. It is, midnight blue with-
AMAudience Member
HEY PIPPY-LONG-BORING! YOU SUCK! [laughter]
Can't you fill it up just a little bit faster?
Well I'm trying! I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A FUCKING GAS TANK!
That's because it's a stool Murderface!
AMAudience Member
HEY, IDIOT! DON'T NEGATE THE PREMISE! [laughter]
It's on - it's on - it's over there - wherever. Just please hurry. I would like to leave this horrible place...
Ahhh, I should check the oil... better go get my tools. You know what? I'm gonna leave... this sucks! Good luck dying out there!
Are you leaving?
Yes I'm leaving!
Cut Kuato? I'll cut Bodybag before I cut Kuato. Kuato stays. Kuato's gold!
They laugh at the dildo who is onstage before us.
That guy was amazing! Are you kidding me?
He is horribles, Toki. He just made the reference. "Remember this? Remember that?" He is dildo.
But you laugh.
I did?
LSLorkey the Sailor
Aye, Comedy ain't never about humor. T'ain't no difference if you ask me.
But, that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all...
LLorkey
Comedy is about expressing your hate. The more hate you have, the funnier those rusty dildoes sitting at them tables will think you are!
But I bombed and I hates everything!
LLorkey
Aye, but do you hate yourself?
Hate... myself?
LLorkey
Ah yes, especially now eh? Bombing on stage and Mr. Tangerine Pigtails [referring to Pickles] went running away! It will take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.
[finally understanding] I hate myself!
LLorkey
Yeah, now you're getting it. And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred, you can unleash it into the world. And once you embrace your hate, you will MURDER THEM! And you will kill, YOU WILL KILL!
Well, I really hate myself.
Pickle, you back! We think you gone for good!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Metalocalypse pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.