Tony quotes from Men Behaving Badly

Tony

Did you send this?!

Gary

Well, you told me where she worked, you said you wanted to chuck her.

Tony

Not by fax!

Gary

Oh, like a date sort of thing. That's what you wanted the change for earlier, isn't it?

Tony

No, I wanted to get a packet of fags.

Gary

Hey, Tony. I can't stay away, can I? (Chuckles) You know that record I brought you? I've had a rethink.

Tony

Oh, well, I've already sold it to another collector.

Gary

Well, get it back.

Tony

I can't. He's probably sold it himself by now.

Gary

Well, what am I going to tell Dorothy?

Tony

Well, you said it was your record.

Gary

I was lying.

Tony

Well, what's the point of lying to me?

Gary

I'm sorry. I've sort of got the habit of it with Dorothy. What am I going to do?

Tony

Why don't you just tell her you sold it for her as a surprise?

Gary

No, she'd say I was going to keep the money for myself.

Tony

Weren't you?

Gary

Of course I was. I'm not a bloody charity, am I? Besides, it's got sentimental value. She'll be upset. She still hasn't forgiven me for burying her gerbil alive.

Tony

Uh, hang on. Look, you're in luck.

Gary

Oh, great.

Tony

Yeah, except it's the normal edition.

Gary

Oh. Never mind. It'll have to do. Thanks, Tony. You've saved my life.

Tony

Gary?

Gary

Yeah?

Tony

15 quid.

Gary

It's not worth that much.

Tony

Yeah, I know. I'd like you to let you have it for less, but I know you're desperate.

Gary

You bastard.

Tony

Oh, bastard, is it? Well, at least I'm not a dork and that's what she called you.

Gary

Ah! She doesn't know the word "dork". Ha.

Tony

Well, she looked it up in a dictionary, and she couldn't decide between "dork", "jerk" and "berk".

Tony

Excuse me! That was a present.

Oh, yeah, right, I could tell it was from you, it was scrawny, served no obvious purpose, and neither of us liked it.

Tony

Well, I'll have it back then, please.

Deborah

Why?

Tony

I wanna do some cuttings.

Deborah

How can you do cuttings from a dead daffodil?

Tony

You make incisions in the green, middle, stick-y bit, put it in the airing cupboard, couple of days, hey-presto... tulips!

Gary

I think I'm getting married.

Tony

I don't think I am.

Tony

Bye, Dorothy, mate.

Dorothy

Bye, Tony, mate.

Does that really turn you on?

Tony

How can that possib... yeah, it does actually.

How can it?

Tony

She's naked.

Yeah, but she's obviously freezing to death, she's sitting on a fork-lift truck feeling exposed, and stupid, and like a piece of meat. How can that turn you on?

Tony

Well, she's naked, look at it.

Gary

Do you know what hurts the most?

Tony

....Getting your balls caught between two bricks - got to be.

Gary

No, no - do you know what hurts the most about Dorothy and her new bloke?

Tony

Oh sorry, no, what?

Gary

She says she's in love. She never said that with me.

Tony

Oh mate, she doesn't love him. Perhaps he's just better with his knob.

Tony

Gary, you know masturbation?

Gary

Vaguely, yes.

Tony

And you know women?

Gary

Women, yes.

Tony

Well, when they do it, right, they just imagine Richard Gere or Linford Christie or whatever lying on top of them, probably on a mountain top.

Gary

Or in a leafy glade.

Tony

Yeah, something with a girly atmosphere, yeah.

Gary

Whereas all we have to do is reach for your favourite mag and yank yer plank!

(singing) I'm a wanker. I'm a wanker. And it does me good like it bloody well should. I'm a wanker. I'm a wanker.

Tony

[drunk] So, how did you happen upon Les' watering hole? I mean two girls in a pub, by themselves. To me that spells: D - A - N - G - E - R

To us it spelt: M - A - R - L - B - O - R - O

Tony

[drunk] Middlesbrough?

Gary

[drunk] There someone here who wants to say hello!

Tony

[drunk] Hello!. Bye!.

Gary

[drunk] That was Tony!

Deborah

Why do I have to live above two drunk morons?

Tony

[drunk] You don't! Who says you do? Just stay here in your flat.

What about contact lenses?

Tony

Ooh, no, no. I couldn't have something up against me eye. You know, right there, staring at me.

I would imagine it's no more uncomfortable than wearing a condom, say.

Tony

How d'you wear a condom on your eye?