Tony quotes from Men Behaving Badly

Dorothy

Rearrange these words to form a sentence: Tony, and, Gary, are, morons, witless.

Tony

Morons are witless, Tony Gary... and?

Dorothy

Nearly.

Deborah

Who wanted the painkillers?

Tony

Oh, me, ta.

Deborah

What's wrong?

Tony

Toothache, little son of a bitch tosser down at the back...

Deborah

Did you see the dentist?

Tony

Mmm, yeah.

Deborah

What did he say?

Tony

I can't remember it was in 1986.

Tony

Dorothy.

Dorothy

Tony.

Tony

The pub.

Gary

The Crown?

I'm Ken. The new, um.

Gary

Landlord?

Landlord.

Gary

What's happened to Les?

The brewery sacked him.

Tony

Why? He was a brilliant landlord.

He kept forgetting to open up at lunchtimes.

Gary

What exactly do lesbians do?

Tony

I dunno, I suppose they just, sort of... rub each other.

Gary

Yeaah, doesn't seem enough, somehow, does it?

Tony

And one lies on top of the other one, and...

...get off again.

Gary

Brilliant.

Tony

Fantastic.

Tony

So how are you two lesbians? Ladians, er... ladies.

Sorry?

Tony

Are you sleeping with Deborah? Erm... are you sleeping in the same flat as Deborah, at the same time on whatever basis?

Yes, just for a few days.

Tony

What... kind of things do you get up to?

Y'know, just running around together.

Tony

Naked?

"Naked"?

Tony

Oh, I'm sorry, I've got this disease that makes me say the wrong word.

What's it called?

Tony

I don't know. I live underneath Deborah.

Oh, lucky you, must be nice and warm.

Tony

Do you eat food?

Why?

Tony

I was wondering if you'd like to go for a meal with me sometime.

I don't think so.

Tony

Any particular reason why?

Just a question of taste I suppose.

Tony

Okay, your lifestyle choice.

Tony

That'll be one pound sexy, er, sixty.

Tony

I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.

Deborah

Tony, you don't love me. You just want to have sex with me.

Tony

...Well, we could start from there. And from that acorn our love could grow into a big...thicket.

Tony

Eight, eight... yeah! Three. Ooh, chance. Nervous, really nervous. Haa, yeah! Get outta jail free card! Is that just for Monopoly, or does it work in real life too?

Gary

I think it's just fornopoly

Tony

You see, the thing about the human body is, as we know, is that it is a temple.

Gary

Yep

Tony

It's just that my temple seems to have grown into a slightly larger temple.

Gary

With a big wobbly dome

Tony

Anyway, there's a load of nonsense talked about fat, i'n't there? I mean, no-one ever went up to Winston Churchill, and said, "Hey, Winnie, you can't lead Britain in to victory in the Second World War, because you're a bit of a chubber".

Gary

Or, "Excuse me, Mister Meat Loaf, you seem to be carrying an extra few pounds around, you can make no more hit records until you can squeez into some smaller denims". Do you want another oyster?

Tony

No, thanks, mate. They disagree with me.

Gary

[as oyster] "No we don't!"

Tony

Gary, if I was a girl, with a girl's bottom and everything, would you marry me?

Gary

Course, mate.

Tony

Ta, mate!

Tony

Debs, will you do me a favour?

Deborah

What?

Tony

Will you have sex with me in a tree?

Tony

(to Jonathan) So, do you like Thomas The Tank Engine? He's good, isn't he? Eh? With his face. All flat and blue.

Gary

Puff, puff.

Gary

Grow up to be a decent member of society.

Tony

Play lots of sport.

Gary

Eat fruit, and, er, celery, and help old ladies cross the street, that sort of thing.

Tony

Mmm, except Debs' mum.

Gary

Yeah. Don't help her.

Tony

No. Hinder her.

Gary

Hinder her from crossing the street.

Tony

And just remember, eat plenty of celery.

Gary

Yeah, and help old ladies across the street.

Tony

Yeah, except Debs' mum!

Gary

Yeah, except Debs' mum!

Tony

Because she's not old!

Gary

Not old.

Tony

Not in the slightest.

Gary

In any way.

Tony

At all.

Gary

Leg it.

Gary

...the work thing never really gelled for you, did it?

Tony

Gelled, no. Well it's not natural is it? Man was meant to hunt, fish and forage in the open air.

Gary

Well, why aren't you doing that, then?

Tony

You know I get a bit chesty in the open air.