All right you son of a woman from Wanker. You wanna drive, Lets Drive.
S9 E2Driving Mr. Boondy
[answers the phone] Hello Peg.
How'd you know it was me, Al?
I actually heard God laugh.
S9 E3Kelly Breaks Out
Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go out to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.
Outside? But Daddy, what if someone sees my pimple?
Pumpkin, it's dark. No one is going to see the pimple.
I guess you're right. I guess I'm just being silly, huh?
[Kelly opens the front door]
MOMan on street
Woah, look at the zits on the blonde chick!
Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?
Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer.
S9 E5Business Still Sucks (1)
FWFat woman
How dare you say that to my face?
I'd say it behind your back, but my car only has half a tank of gas!
S9 E8Sleepless In Chicago
The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.
S9 E9No Pot to Pease in
Well, let's see: I have an unemployed actress for a daughter... a son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant...and...
Oh, happy day. My TV Guide cover collector plates are here.
That! Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike.
TPTV Producer
Listen, I've been making TV since, well, since my wife was born. And do you know what I have learned? Nothing! You people learn more by watching it than we learn by making it!
S9 E11A Man For No Seasons
[Two time MVP Frank Thomas spins newspapers.]
FTFrank Thomas
Can I have a break now?
MManager
No.
FTFrank Thomas
[grabs a bat.] Can I have a break now!
MManager
Ab... Absolutely.
[Bud and Kelly has just came home from working in the shoe store.]
A fat woman came into the shoe store today.
And Bud still looked up her dress.
S9 E12I Want My Psycho Dad (1)
Ah, you two are the best kids any dad could accidentally have.
I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty, that stands for freedom of expression.
The Nudie Bar?
No, but maybe first.
Marcy (to the tune of the Psycho Dad theme): Who's the guy whose show is done?
Who's TV hero's on the run?
Who'll be watching VH-1?
Loser Al, Loser Al, it's Loser Al!
S9 E15Kelly Takes A Shot
If God wanted people to shoot a bow, He wouldn't have invented assault weapons.
Al, you're tracking mud on the carpet.
It's not all mud; some of it is colon.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.