Lucifer Morningstar quotes from Lucifer

Ella

Come clean with me. Or I can't keep this a secret anymore.

Lucifer

You see, that's just it. The last person I came clean with became a tad untethered.

Ella

Dude, I grew up in Detroit.

Linda

Oh, my God. I had sex with the Devil.

Lucifer

Many, many times. And you're welcome.

Ella

That's why great ideas come in the shower.

Lucifer

For me, it's usually women.

Ella

Favors are about faith.

Lucifer

Ugh. Please don't ruin favors for me.

Lucifer

It's not my home, it never was.

Linda

And neither was Hell.

Lucifer

No. No, that was somewhere I was sent as punishment. Like the DMV, but less screaming.

Chloe

When were you going to mention that you're personally involved in this case?

Lucifer

When you asked me.

Lucifer

Detective, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Chloe

I doubt it.

Chloe

I bet you an arm and a leg, Mom, that he has no idea what today is.

Lucifer

That's not particularly wise of you to wager your lovely extremities, Detective.

Chloe

[preparing to write in a notebook] Okay, a list of everyone you've slept with in the last eight weeks.

Lucifer

Right, you'll need a much bigger notepad.

Chloe

[to Lucifer] Dan slept with Charlotte?

Lucifer

Trust me, you're not half as disgusted by that as I am.

Chloe

Is there anyone who hasn't slept with that woman?!

Lucifer

Uh... [raises a hand]

Lucifer

I had an epiphany of sorts. You deserve someone worthy of you. And that isn't me.

Chloe

That's not what I've been saying, Lucifer.

Lucifer

I know. It's what I'm saying. You deserve someone better. Because you, Detective, are selfless to a nauseating degree. You always put your daughter first, even though the ungrateful urchin does nothing to contribute to the rent. [Chloe chuckles] So, you deserve someone worthy of that grace. Someone who knows every crime scene breaks your heart, even though you'd never admit it. Someone who actually appreciates your impossibly boring middle name, "Jane". And more importantly, Detective, you deserve someone as good as you. Because, well, you're special and I'm... I'm not worth it.

Charlotte

Detective

Dan

Counselor.

Lucifer

Douche.

Dan

Dick.

Charlotte

Well, I suppose that's my cue.

Chloe

[to a suspect about his e-mail user name] You are "DMan69", yeah?

Lucifer

That's a very clever play on words, by the way. Was "nevergetslaid#1" taken?

Lucifer

[reading, chuckling] "You pathetic sad sack. No wonder you didn't get tenure. Your experiments are as ugly as you are." Well said, Detective.

Dan

[alarmed, but trying to be sarcastic] Seriously? Insulting a serial killer? That's an awesome idea.

Lucifer

Thank you. Also, his mask is a bit lame. Could've been much creepier. Put that in. [Chloe does]

Linda

And what about Detective Decker? I thought you two had become... close.

Lucifer

Well, everything I felt for her was smoke and mirrors, courtesy of dear old Dad. I mean, he clearly expected me to zig, and so I zagged.

Linda

And does Chloe know that you've... zagged Candy?