Lucifer Morningstar quotes from Lucifer

She has so much cocaine up her nose, it would snow if you shook her.

Lucifer

Yes, I've tried that.

Charlotte Richards

I apologize for my human form, but…at least this one has supreme hindquarters.

Lucifer

You're lying.

Charlotte

No. They're quite sturdy, feel it.

Lucifer

I wasn't referring, nor will I ever refer, to your butt, Mother.

Charlotte

What happened to your wings, son?

Lucifer

I cut them off.

Charlotte

Why would you… I mean 'come to Earth', 'get a haircut', or something, but that's a little extreme.

Maze

You want me to babysit?

Lucifer

Well, "my mum in the body of a disturbingly hot woman"-sit, but yes, for now.

Lucifer

I mean, how far can a celestial being trapped in a feeble human body for the first time get?

Maze

Well, let's see. She's stupid hot, wearing my clothes, and she's got a corporate credit card.

Lucifer

…bollocks.

Lucifer

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire.

Chloe

Lucifer.

Lucifer

I mean, I've heard of hot pants, but this really brings new meaning to the term "fire crotch," doesn't it?

Chloe

Lucifer.

Lucifer

Wait. I have more. "Smokey Bobinson". "Weekend at Burnie's".

Ella Lopez

His burning bush?

Lucifer

Oh, very good! That was actually me, by the way, so don't tell anyone.

Lucifer

[about a video platform's content moderators] So you think seeing someone they recognized in one of these twisted videos finally made them snap?

Chloe

Maybe it awakened something in them. Something that was always there just fighting to get out.

Lucifer

[scoffs] But... they were just trying to do a job. A job no one else wanted.

Chloe

Well, maybe they chose that for a reason.

Lucifer

Nobody chooses to be a sin-eater, Detective! [calmer] No one wants to be custodian of the world's filth. Why would they? Absorbing the worst humanity has to offer, day in and day out,... It changes you.

Chloe

So you think it's the job's fault that they started to punish?

Lucifer

People don't arrive broken. They start with passion and yearning, until something comes along that disabuses them of those notions.

Chloe

He had a drug problem, right?

Lucifer

Well, only if you consider ingesting millions of dollars of cocaine a problem. I call it a Tuesday. But apparently it's frowned upon.

Amenadiel

It's time that I face the truth, brother. I've fallen.

Lucifer

Well. Welcome to the club. Meetings are on Tuesdays.

Lucifer

For the next day or so, I'm going to need you to be unpredictable. Whatever you normally do, just do the opposite.

Chloe

Too bad. I was totally going to have sex with you today.

Lucifer

Really? [smiles, then realizes] ... Oh. Well played, Detective.

Chloe

You look like hell.

Lucifer

Not heard that before.

Lucifer

Detective, I found you a lead.

Chloe

Where--in her mouth?

Lucifer

Yes, actually. Imagine what I can find in other orifices.

Chloe

Are you drunk?

Lucifer

I wish. Pesky supernatural metabolism keeps getting in the way.

Dr. Martin

If you change your mind, my door is always open.

Lucifer

Well, feel free to shut it.

Lucifer

I think I've broken my therapist. And now she's somewhere to the left of totally useless and to the right of babbling lunatic.

Chloe

Oh, so she's you in a skirt.