Lucifer Morningstar quotes from Lucifer

Father Frank

We might not always understand it, but God has a plan.

Lucifer

Yes, I know. But why does everybody always think it's a good plan?

Father Frank

It's okay. I'm not afraid of dying.

Lucifer

Well, you should be. It's really boring where you're going.

Father Frank

Hope so. I've had enough excitement for one life.

Lucifer

[desperately] Stop talking like that! You've got more to do here, you've got more people to annoy!

Dan

You don't care who you piss off, do you?

Lucifer

Not in the slightest, no.

Chloe

I can't believe that I would let myself care for him again. I mean, why? So I get hurt?

Lucifer

Um, no, because you're a kind person who puts the needs of others before your own. It's a horrible irony that my father invented.

Maze

You can't be mad at me forever.

Lucifer

Oh, but I can. It's one of the luxuries of being the Devil.

Chloe

Oh, God, what have I done?

Lucifer

Don't worry, my father's the forgiving sort. Well, except when it comes to me.

Lucifer

I know some folks who moved to Buenos Aires back in the day.

Oh. Good people?

Lucifer

Nazis. No extradition treaty in Argentina. Just a nasty bunch of miscreants hiding in plain sight. Gosh, they got away with murder.

Chloe

Only you could turn a tragic death into an excuse to talk about you.

Lucifer

Well, who else would I talk about?

Chloe

Where have you been?

Lucifer

Ah, you know me—busy, busy, No rest for the wicked.

Chloe

Right. 'Cause deviant foreplay is so time-consuming.

Maze

Want to watch?

Just wanted to do my part for the man of the hour. [winks at Lucifer]

Lucifer

It's the wink with the porn 'stache sending the wrong message, I think.

Chloe

What happened?

Lucifer

Well…where do I begin? With the grandest fall in the history of time? Or perhaps the far more agonizing punishment that followed? To be blamed for every morsel of evil humanity's endured, every atrocity committed in my name? As though I wanted people to suffer. All I ever wanted was to be my own man here. To be judged for my own doing. And for that? I've been shown how truly powerless I am. That even the people trusted—the one person, you—could be used to hurt me.

Lucifer

So how's this? Step one, travel back in time and not make such a mess of things.

Amenadiel

You know, I'm suddenly reminded of why I wanted you dead in the first place.

Lucifer

I spoke to Dad.

Amenadiel

Excuse me?

Lucifer

Yeah. I offered Him my services in exchange f— Well, that really doesn't matter. He accepted.

He replied to you.

Lucifer

Well, not in words, but His message was clear.

Amenadiel

And what does Father want?

Lucifer

Someone's escaped from Hell. Must've seen a window of opportunity whilst you were incapacitated. I think He wants me to bring our jailbird back.

Amenadiel

That's it? Well, it shouldn't be too hard to track down a single errant soul. [he chuckles, but stops when he notices Lucifer nervously tapping his drink glass] You're afraid.

Lucifer

Damn right I am.

Amenadiel

Right, but you're never afraid. Who could possibly scare you, brother? [beat] Lucifer…who escaped Hell?

Lucifer

Mum.

Amenadiel

Luci, you don't think she helped Mom escape, do you?

Lucifer

Well, that doesn't sound like the kind of evil, duplicitous thing a demon would do, now, does it?

Lucifer

They had sex. The only trouble was, they were celestial beings, so that moment created the universe.

Linda Martin

Mm, the Big Bang?

Lucifer

Never knew how appropriate the name was until now, did you?