Lucifer Morningstar quotes from Lucifer

Chloe

So our only evidence is currently in your lungs?

Lucifer

[amused] Aah, you really wanted to say "up in smoke" then, didn't you?

Chloe

[not amused] No. No, I most definitely did not.

Dr. Linda Martin

So you're the Devil?

Lucifer

Yes. Yes. Well, Satan, Beelzebub, Old Scratch. Actually, I like that one in particular. But, uh, those were the old me. These days, you just have plain old Lucifer.

Linda

And you've left Hell behind to take a vacation in Los Angeles?

Lucifer

Well, where else would I go?

Lucifer

What makes you different?

Chloe

I guess we both have our mysteries.

Lucifer

Ah. Well, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Linda

Sometimes it's easier to make intimate issues about something bigger than yourself.

Lucifer

Well, there are few things bigger than myself.

Linda

I'm well aware.

Lucifer

I think you like me.

Chloe

What part of the look on my face gives you that impression?

Linda

You know, you say... you say people are phony here, but I think people come here to re-invent themselves. That's why I think you're here. To reinvent yourself.

Lucifer

Why would I mess with perfection?

Lucifer Morningstar, the guy who owns Lux?

Lucifer

Yes, that is me.

No it's not. I've seen him before, his beats are sick.

Lucifer

I very much beg your pardon?

Yeah, he performed at a rap battle in The Valley last week.

Lucifer

Every part of that sentence horrifies me.

It is so gross, that you're pretending to be someone you're not. And your accent is fake.

Chloe

Finally some rain. Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.

Lucifer

I can assure you He's in no way meteorologically-inclined. Apart from the whole Noah thing and that was a one-off.

Dan

Once I engage with her, I will hire her to fix a problem of mine.

Lucifer

Right. Well, if it's that stick up your ass, I'm afraid there's no one strong enough to pull that out.

Chloe

Let me make myself perfectly clear. I will never, ever, ever sleep with you. Never. Okay? Got it?

Lucifer

Playing hard to get. I like it.

Chloe

When Hell freezes over, Lucifer.

Lucifer

I can arrange that, actually.

Chloe

Where did you get this dress anyhow?

Lucifer

Oh, it was left behind by my one of my 'overnight guests'.

Chloe

What was she wearing when she left?

Lucifer

A smile.

Chloe

Mm. if I get an STD from this thing, I'm going to kill you.

Dan

What in God's name are you doing here?

Lucifer

Nothing in His name. Here on my own, actually.

Chloe

What are you? Did you do this?

Lucifer

I've been trying to tell you, I'm the Devil.

Chloe

That's...that's not possible.

Lucifer

I assure you Detective, it is. I mean, you've said yourself, there are things you can't explain. Do you need more proof? You got the gun, come on, shoot me.

Chloe

No-- I can't shoot you!

Lucifer

Sure you can! Go on, give her a little squeeze, and we'll be good to go.

Chloe

No!

Lucifer

Just shoot me, Detective, please! Because, maybe, you'll finally--

Lucifer

Good for you! See? Hardly hurts.

Chloe

I can't believe it...

Lucifer

[pain kicking in] Daaaahhhh, actually, no, it's hurting a little bit. It's-- GOD, it's hurting a lot! Son of a bitch, that really hurts! [looks at the wound, notices blood on his hand] I'm bleeding...

Chloe

You're bleeding!

Lucifer

God-- Of course you're bleeding!

Chloe

I thought you didn't lie.

Lucifer

I don't. But I don't always tell the whole truth.

Lucifer

Cool ranch puff?

Chloe

No, thanks.

Lucifer

No? It's funny, isn't it? You'd think the king of hellfire would be more of a flaming hot guy, but love these bad boys.