Lucifer Morningstar quotes from Lucifer

Lucifer

There is something rotten inside of me. I find it near impossible to drown out the constant cacophony of voices whispering in my ear, telling me "I. Am. Evil." [shouts] I'm drowning, Doctor! And I can't stop asking myself... [gasping]... Why do I hate myself so much?!?

Lucifer

[to Linda] Oh, enjoy your child. Have him ring me when he's old enough to go to strip clubs.

Lucifer

[in demon voice] Now bow down... to your King. [All the demons obey, even a reluctant Dromos] You do not belong here. Go HOME !!

Lucifer

Excuses! They're like arseholes. Everybody's got one, but nobody wants to hear it.

Lucifer

Sorry. Got lost in a daydream, on account of your problem being so extraordinarily boring.

Lucifer

[to Willy the Sausage Prince (who resembles Dan in Lucifer's retelling)] Quite a unique fellow, aren't you? There's a word to describe you, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's like a shower, but French. Oh, I'm sure it'll come to me.

Lucifer

Well, that bodes well.

Lucifer

Oh my Me!

You know why I pulled you over?

Lucifer Morningstar

Well, obviously you felt the need to exercise your limited powers and punish me for ignoring the speed limit. It's okay, I understand. It's…I…I like to punish people too. Or, at least I used to.

Lucifer

Oh Amenadiel, how's it hanging big guy? huh?

Amenadiel

Your return to the underworld has been requested.

Lucifer

Oh, right. Okay. Let me just, uh…check my calendar. Yeah, here it is. Uh…the 7th of Never through to the 15th of Ain't Gonna Happen. How's that work for you guys? Ah, look…remind Dad that I quit Hell because I was sick and tired of playing a part in His play.

Amenadiel

I'm gonna warn you against disrespecting our Father, Lucifer.

Lucifer

Yeah, well, our Father's been disrespecting me since the beginning of time, so pot-kettle, don't you think?

Amenadiel

You…are a mockery of everything divine.

Lucifer

Thank you. Thank you but, lately I've been doing a fair amount of thinking, now do you think I'm the devil because I'm inherently evil just because dear old Dad decided I was?

Amenadiel

What exactly do you think happens when the devil leaves Hell? All of those demons, all of those tormented and tortured souls, where do you think they go?

Lucifer

Don't know, don't care, not my problem brother, so consider the position officially open (takes a sip of his drink) and you my feathered friend can go to Hell (Amenadiel draws his wing at Lucifer's neck) Oh...Yeah try it, you think father's upset now?

Amenadiel

(Chuckles and draws his wing back) You know, he will not be merciful for much longer.

Chloe Decker

"Lucifer Morningstar." What, is that like a stage name or something?

Lucifer

God given, I'm afraid.

Chloe

Why don't you tell me something? How did she end up dying in a hailstorm of bullets and you get away without a scratch? I think that's interesting, don't you?

Lucifer

The benefits of immortality.

Chloe

Immortality? Mm. Of course. Uh…you spell that with one or two "m"s? I always forget.

You have a problem with black people?

Lucifer

No, not in the slightest. I just hate your music. And when I say your music, I mean your music, not the music made by other black people. Without the blues, there would be no Devil's music whatsoever. There are of course many giants in the field. Just not you. Am I being clear?

Trixie

My name's Beatrice but everybody calls me Trixie.

Lucifer

That's a hooker's name.

Trixie

What's a hooker?

Lucifer

Ask your mother.

Dan Espinoza

I don't know whether to laugh or shoot you.

Lucifer

Surprise me.