Lucifer Morningstar quotes from Lucifer

Lucifer

There was this, uh, soul that I used to torture back in Hell. And like a good masochist, he'd call the shots. "Burn me. Freeze me. Hurt me." So, I did. And this went on for centuries. Until one day, for some reason, he missed his daily punishment. And when I returned, he was crying. "Please, my King," he said. "Don't ever forget me again.... I promise I'll be good." It was then that I realized he was so full of self-loathing, void of any self-respect, that no matter the depth of my cruelty, whatever minuscule attention I paid gave meaning to his... pointless existence.

Lucifer

[objecting to the concept of Trixie's swear jar ] I mean, what a ridiculous idea, Bad words? Determined by an arbitrary set of rules, just like my Father's? [hands Trixie two hundred-dollar bills] Here, child. This should buy you plenty of juicy words, you swear away.

Lucifer

Sorry, is that German? 'Cause if it is, it's absolutely awful. Trust me, I should know. Hitler was a talker. Well, a screamer, actually.

Lucifer

Miss Lopez, you are an enigma wrapped in a hoodie under a jaunty ponytail.

Lucifer

[speaking to who he believes is a sleeping Chloe] I'm not exactly sure what you're all doing here, but I imagine it's something to do with the fact that I wasn't. And the truth is... I went to Las Vegas. And even though it was for a very good reason, I didn't tell you because last time I went on a Vegas jaunt, there were some very unpleasant feelings involved. For both of us. And, well, I didn't want to dredge any of those up again. So, I bluffed. But I've come to realize that perhaps bluffing is the same as lying, and that's, as you know, something I never want to do. [gently caresses Chloe's back] Especially to you.

Lucifer

Well, I thought since I'd never likely penetrate you, I'd commemorate the one time you penetrated me. [shares a laugh with Chloe] So, Happy Birthday, Detective.

Lucifer

How can someone who can literally control time have such atrocious timing?

Lucifer

Ah, the diamond industry. Truly the greatest trick someone other than me played on the world. Thousands of dollars for lumps of old coal. Incredible.

Lucifer

You know, a high school reunion is a very popular torture in Hell.

Lucifer

[to Dan] Well, if it isn't Detective Dildo of the L.A.P.D. You still out there leaving crimes unsolved?

Lucifer

It's not your job to punish, Marshall Reynolds. It's mine.

Lucifer

What do you do when someone has betrayed you? Normally, I'd go straight to punishment. Fire, brimstone. Public humiliation via YouTube.

Lucifer

[to Father Kinley] A ceremony to banish the Devil to Hell? That is priceless. [laughs] No, seriously, you all need to take End of Days out of the Vatican Movie Night rotation. Definitely not one of Arnold's best.

Lucifer

See? Didn't have to chase him at all. He got tired. [Chloe groans] Oh, come on, I thought that was one of my better puns.

Lucifer

For our next case, try not to bring a trigger-happy murderer to one of my parties. It kills the buzz.