Lucifer Morningstar quotes from Lucifer

Chloe

[looking through a victim's notebook] So what are these, jokes?

Lucifer

A charitable description, Detective. "Avocado, how about avoca-don't?" Would it be rude to throw tomatoes at a corpse?

Pierce

This is about the Sinnerman.

Lucifer

Right. I see what's happening here. A mysterious figure handing out favors, probably dashing and handsome. You think I'm the Sinnerman. [laughs] The truth is--

Pierce

You're not the Sinnerman. He's smart and calculated.

Lucifer

You don't know me. Maybe I am the Sinnerman. Surprise!

Jokes don't make a comedian. Everyone has an "itchy butt" joke. It's all about what you do with it.

Lucifer

What you do with your itchy butt?

With the joke!

Chloe

Lucifer!

Lucifer

Detective.

Chloe

What is going on here? And how did you get that horse?

Lucifer

What horse?

Chloe

Pierce called from the hospital 'cause, apparently, he never stops working. But we have a new case.

Lucifer

What, the case of the missing bedpan? Riveting.

[to Chloe, thinking she's a model for the sexy commercial being filmed] What... why are your clothes still on?!

Lucifer

I ask myself that all the time.

Lucifer

It's Charlotte time. [boldly enters the interrogation room, sees who's in there] You're not Charlotte.

[a middle-aged man, clearly not Charlotte] And yet, people get us confused, like, all the time. [chuckles] Hi. Larry. Charlotte is busy at the moment, so Richards & Wheeler sent me.

Lucifer

[low whisper, to himself] Mother flunker.

Lucifer

Charlotte, where are you going?

Charlotte Richards

To join the Peace Corps, donate my entire savings to an orphanage or build a shelter for blind, one-legged puppies.

Lucifer

Well, as long as you're not being over-dramatic.

Lucifer

I have a story for you, Reporter. One I've never told a human soul before. I take no part in who goes to Hell.

Then who does?

Lucifer

You humans. [chuckles] You send yourselves, driven down by your own guilt, forcing yourselves to relive your sins over and over. And the best part? The doors aren't locked. You could leave any time. It says something that no one ever does, doesn't it?

You're not paparazzi? Oh, thank God.

Lucifer

Ugh. Man, the things Dad gets credit for.

Pierce

Well I'm here. This couldn't have waited until morning?

Lucifer

Time-sensitive, I'm afraid. In a way, the opposite.

Pierce

Just tell me what you want.

Lucifer

Right. Well, we're both familiar with the accomplice theory, that our blind barbarian had someone working for him. ["Yeah."] Well it occurred to me that…what if the Sinnerman was the one working for someone else? What if he was the accomplice? Exhibit A. [he pulls out the photo of the young Sinnerman] Here is Mr. Sinnerman as a child, with a man he seems very close to. Interesting birthmark. It's a very similar shape to your military tattoo, actually, wouldn't you agree? ["So?"] Well, so it stands to reason that this man would be very very old by now. Or, if he isn't, he'd have to be…[laughs] immortal.

Pierce

[stone-faced] An immortal crime boss. Just like you're the Devil.

Lucifer

Ha. Yes, I know, it does sound absurd, doesn't it? So, as such, there's really only one way to prove my theory. [reaches over the bar] Where did I—ah, there it is.

Lucifer

I wonder why I didn't figure it out sooner. The world's first murderer. Marked by God and doomed to walk the earth alone for a tortured eternity. It's quite the moniker! Yet, still, nowhere near as ridiculous as "The Sinnerman."

Lucifer

Wouldn't you agree…Cain?

Cain

You may as well pour me one too.

Nice suit.

Lucifer

Thank you very much.

My grandpa had one just like it.

Lucifer

Grandfather? But.... This was the height of fashion last time I visited.

Lucifer

[regarding piano music at an outdoor bar] Oh. Brother, listen to that. Ah. I haven't heard music like that since, well, since the Silver City.

Amenadiel

What, there's no music in Hell?

Lucifer

Only for torture and usually out of tune. Lately, we've been playing music by this chap named Bieber. Gosh, you should hear the screams.

Amenadiel

Thanks for your help. I mean, I will admit that I was a bit skeptical of your plan, but this might actually work.

Lucifer

Yes, of course it'll work, Brother. That's why you asked me, remember? Someone crafty, smart--

Amenadiel

And evil. [laughs good-naturedly]

Lucifer

[a bit stunned] Evil?

Amenadiel

Well, if you want to find a deplorable criminal, you just ask... Well, you know what I mean, Luci. Come on. You are the Devil, after all.

Pierce

I have walked this Earth for thousands of years. I have seen everything, I have done everything. I have watched everything I've ever known turn to ashes over and over again.

Lucifer

Oh, it's almost like you're in--

Pierce

Hell? Yeah.