You barely work, and you have no life. You guys aren't Gen Z. You guys are Gen Lazy. Ha!
S1 E14Lopez vs Work
S1 E15Lopez vs Primos
I'll remember that for the police report. Let's play a new game, all right? This one is called Scavenger Hunt. Let's see if you can find a dinosaur, a minion, and a half-eaten chicken nugget. You're doing good. You're doing good. 3, 2, 1! Oh!
Okay. Listen, that's not fair.
Hey, it's payback for all the times that you partied instead of being a responsible parent when I was a kid.
Damn, actually that is fair.
S1 E16Lopez vs Cheating
[first lines]
Quick, it's an emergency!
Oh, my God! What's wrong with Churro?
She ate my beer money.
You see, Rosie, when a man cheats, he doesn't lead with "Do you come here often? I don't, because I have a wife and kid."
So what you're saying is, you didn't just hurt me. You hurt Bunny too.
S1 E17Lopez vs Dog Quinces
[first lines]
How's Churro looking, Dr. Pocha? Does she have a hearing problem, or is she a mean girl playing mind games?
PDr. Pocha
Let's test it out with a basic canine auditory assessment. Hey, Churro, can you hear me? Kidding. I did a cochlear exam earlier, and Churro has hearing loss because she's an old woman.
Great, so you 2 are gonna work together on music and decorations. I want a female mariachi band who know Rihanna's entire catalog off book.
They have female mariachis? What do their grito sound like? "Ayyy, put that toilet seat down!".
S1 E18Lopez vs Goosey
[first lines]
Dad, you're getting cheese on my couch. And I can't flip the cushion over because you got chili on the other side.
It's not my fault you keep your cushions where I keep my chili. Don't worry. I'll clean it.
I'm not worried. I'm the sniffing glue that holds this family together.
Don't be so sure. She not only let you back in her life. She opened her home to you. So when you don't respect her boundaries, it's triggering.
Wow, you learned a lot in therapy.
It worked!
I guess we're both war heroes now.
[final lines]
S1 E19Lopez vs The Godfather
All Latino kids drink it. My mom's breast milk went straight into my coffee. Didn't stunt my growth.
It's true. His head is still growing.
(on the phone) Hey, what's up? Aw, man, how you doin'? It's been a long time, huh? It's good to hear from you, man. Yeah, we need to get a beer. All right, later. (high-pitched voice) Bye.
Who was that?
Um, Verizon.
He always uses phone companies when he's lying. He used to get a ton of calls from a hoochie named Pacific Bell.
It's just, uh, Don Patino.
Come on, Mayan, talk to me.
Not right now. I'm pretending these moles are your head.
I just thought once you saw Don that you'd remember the good times.
No. I remember what he does to you. The old Dad I couldn't rely on comes back when Don's around. I mean, he's been here one day and you've already lied to me. Mom and I want nothing to do with him.
Look what your godfather got me. I feel like a cartel leader's wife.
Are you really forgiving Don just because he bought you a coat that makes you look like Mary J. Blige?
I haven't necessarily forgiven him, but a fur coat is a good start. I'm gonna go see what this looks like in front of the fun mirrors.
See? Don's a good guy, Mayan, and he's missed you. Guess what he named Flyin' Mayan?
A strain of weed?
No, but side hustle. He named his racehorse after you.
A horse is supposed to make up for ripping my family apart?
Yes. It's a thoroughbred, Mayan. It was thoroughly bred. But listen, I know you blame Don for everything that I did wrong, but I make my own bad decisions. So if you're be mad at somebody, be mad at me.
I am mad at you!
Why? What did I do?
S1 E20Lopez vs Corte Caliente
You don't have to remind me. I don't know what the hell that is.
It means following through with something, even when it's hard.
My ex-wife kept the wedding ring, and then hid it in her bra. So today I'm here to seek breast-itution.
Oh, he took everything from me. The least he could do is let me keep that ring! (sobs) Was that good? 'Cause I could do it again.
AAll
♪ Corte! ♪
JJusticia
Stop that, Señor Lopez. You could lean back into last week, and your head still wouldn't look any smaller. You're here to sue your ex-wife. Care to tell us why?
Uh, yes. This bruja ruined my life. I am a hard working small business owner of an affordable moving company, Lop E.Z. Movers. Please follow me on Instagram at L-O-P-E...
JJusticia
Silencio! This is a court of law, not a place for you to shamelessly advertise your business. And we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.
AAll
♪ Corte! ♪
S1 E21Lopez vs Bucket Crabs
I don't have a calendar. On the day of a move, I get a call from the client saying, "Where the hell are you?". Then I tell 'em, "Around the corner!". And I jump in the shower.
Landing this commercial move would be big for us. There's the client. Remember the number one rule in business. Shut up. Let me do the talking.
Hi, there, I'm George Lopez, founder of Lop E.Z. Movers. As you can see, I only have the strongest members on my crew. Momo here can do 50 push-ups.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Lopez vs Lopez pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.