Lt. Theo Kojak quotes from Kojak

Lt. Theo Kojak

You know, any man that can put so much violence and sex into a piece of stone, he doesn't have to violate flesh. He gets his kicks with his hammer and chisel.

Capt. Frank McNeil

The Commissioner's gonna violate you with a hammer and chisel if we don't tie a can on this.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Broen, come on. You'd bust your mother's arm in three places if she lost a subway token.

Your jokes are getting stale, Kojak. You need a fall guy. Don't go poking in my garbage. I'm alibied.

Lt. Theo Kojak

I know, you were out dedicating an orphanage, right?

Det. Stavros

Wait a minute, Lieutenant, what is this? I'm not Donnelly's partner, Alessi is.

Lt. Theo Kojak

The hell you're not! When one man in this precinct comes under suspicion, the entire unit becomes Donnelly's partner. Now look, we got two days to polish his badge and ours. Because on Wednesday, the Internal Affairs shooflies, they're gonna be all over us like a groom on a honeymoon. And let me tell you something: we all better be virgins or have a pretty good story.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Close the door. I want a tail put on Geno. I want to know who he talks to; I want to know where he goes; I want to know where he is every minute. The same kind of surveillance you give any other homicide suspect.

Theo, not Geno. I mean, you can't possibly believe...

Lt. Theo Kojak

Do you think I want to believe it? But if Donnelly wasn't on the pad, then somebody set him up. And right now, I've got a very narrow field to pick from.

Lt. Theo Kojak

I want the tax returns and bank statements on Donnelly for the past two years.

Det. Bobby Crocker

Lieutenant, it's Sunday.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Well, you make believe it's Friday! And have somebody at the bank agree with you.

Det. Bobby Crocker

Right on.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Go on, up against the wall. All of you.

Lt. Theo Kojak

In, eh, including you, Fumbles. Go.

Me? Why?

Lt. Theo Kojak

Because you got dishpan hands. Move!

Lt. Theo Kojak

It seems to me they had an observation report a couple of weeks ago on the... Lumpjaws, and a few of the other fences.

Det. Bobby Crocker

It's probably in the round file. Nobody ever looks there.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Well, ask Bannerman, he saves string.

Capt. Frank McNeil

When I was in school my grandmother died six times; always during the World Series.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Oh yeah? We all had the same grandmother.

Det. Bobby Crocker

Hey, what's with the lollypops?

Lt. Theo Kojak

I'm looking to close the generation gap. Get outa here!

Lt. Theo Kojak

I give you this week's mystery map. You solve the riddle, you win a two-week trip to, eh, well, where do you wanna go?

Capt. Frank McNeil

Home!

Lt. Theo Kojak

Hm-hm. Why do I always yawn on Saturdays?

Good evening, do you have an invitation?

Lt. Theo Kojak

[smiles] Oh, Fast Feeney. You've lost a lot of weight.

Why don't you send yourself up, Kojak? You could use a Sing Sing slimming.

Lt. Theo Kojak

[chuckles] Well, you're gonna get five more years for that.

Capt. Frank McNeil

Where do you get the 14-carat chutzpah to talk to an elected official like that, and in front of a dozen witnesses?

Lt. Theo Kojak

Hey look, Mac, uh, I'm onto something...

Capt. Frank McNeil

Oh, you're onto something? You'll be into men's ready-wear if Murchison has his way.

Lieutenant, line two.

Lt. Theo Kojak

I told you not to interrupt me unless it was important. Is it a broad?

Lt. Theo Kojak

Now look, two things I want you to remember, kiddo. Number one: you're marrying my favorite niece.

Right.

Lt. Theo Kojak

And number two: my favorite niece's favorite uncle is a cop.

Hey, I won't forget that, sir.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Yeah, 'sir'. You can cool the 'sir', because next week at this time, you'll be crying uncle. Get used to it, 'cause that's what you'll be calling me.

[on phone] Theo? This is Sophie. Yeah, the nerve-wracked mother.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Yeah Sophie, what is it?

What it is, is a rehearsal in an hour. You coming?

Lt. Theo Kojak

This afternoon? Hey look, if they can pretend they're getting married, can't they pretend I'm there?