Lt. Theo Kojak quotes from Kojak

Lt. Theo Kojak

Well, you see, Captain, not every suspect is a villain, and, on the other hand, not every witness is a hero, as offered up by that great Greek philosopher, Larry Csonka.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Here. try one of these. [Hands Dr. Kirk a lollipop] You're a nervous wreck.

Any chance of getting outta here?

Lt. Theo Kojak

Sure.

Yeah, and the devil serves lemonade, right?

Lt. Theo Kojak

[Officer Calvelli has been shot] I'm gonna try and get a doctor in.

Oh, geez, it hurts.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Now you start to worry when it stops hurting.

That's your goof, Kojak! I warned you: the first bullet's got your name on it.

Lt. Theo Kojak

I told you we needed more time.

Pass me a hankerchief, I cry easy.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Absolutely no way the killer could've gotten past you?

Not through the front lobby, no, sir. Seven p.m to seven a.m. nobody enters or exits that I don't okay. Tradespeople, tenants, guests, everybody logs in and out. Everybody.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Seven to seven and no relief. You must have cement kidneys.

[invites Kojak back home for a drink] Retsina okay?

Lt. Theo Kojak

Retsina? You gotta be kidding. You're actually holding?

It's not exactly in big demand. Five years and I still have the same bottle you gave us for our housewarming. It doesn't spoil, does it?

Lt. Theo Kojak

[smiles] Spoil? You buy it rotten. You could drop a dead cat into it, it wouldn't make any difference.

You know, a funny thing: some joker was in here a couple of weeks ago asking about the same blonde.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Can you describe him?

[blows through his teeth] Hey, women I remember, dad, but, eh, men? Well they're, eh, they're just like suits and ties to me, you know?

Well then, eh, Bridges is our boy?

Lt. Theo Kojak

[sarcastic chuckle] Well he can't be in two places at once, can he? And one place we know he was when Forsyth was being killed, was in the Tombs, sweating out a B and E. But the gun wasn't at the tombs. And a piece doesn't care who uses it.

Hey man, you know where it's at. I finger Tomasso, I'm a dead man in 24 hours.

Lt. Theo Kojak

What are you talking about? We'll give you protection.

Ain't no such thing. That cat would get me if I was dead and buried in the ground.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Here, get your hat and coat. We just got a break.

Det. Bobby Crocker

An arm or a leg?

Lt. Theo Kojak

A neck: Cleveland's.

Ah, come on. You keep breaking us left and right and I ain't heard nothing on Tomasso.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Well maybe's he's clean.

Maybe the pope smokes grass.

Where'd the dress come from?

Lt. Theo Kojak

Property. It was evidence in a wife-beating case. I don't know if she wouldn't put it on or wouldn't take it off. Women are funny.

Lt. Theo Kojak

[holding a photograph of Leona and a man hiding behind a menu] Look at the john. He's being so bashful. I wonder why? Terminal acne, maybe?

Capt. Frank McNeil

[takes the photograph] Well, married men are sometimes camera-shy, have you noticed?

Lt. Theo Kojak

Frequently. Can you make out the name on the menu?

Capt. Frank McNeil

No, but then I can't even read the top line on an eye chart anymore.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Tell me about it.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Como estais, amigo? Como estais?

Muy bien. That's pretty good, lieutenant. You know, what you ought to do is get yourself a nice Spanish-speaking girl. It'll help you with the important words.

Lt. Theo Kojak

Hey, take it from me, sonny, for the important things you don't need words.