Spenny quotes from Kenny vs. Spenny

Kenny

I miss the olden days, you know? When we were just kids, didn't have a care in the world. Now we've got these corporate pigs watching our every move, and this stupid show, these competitions-- they're just useless!

It has affected our relationship, there's no question about it.

Kenny

I swear to you from the bottom of my heart, friend, I'm tired of being mean. I'm tired of being a cheater, and a crook, and the vermin virus that I am.

I don't think we've spent time like this in what, 15 years?

Kenny

We should have more competitions like this.

We can't, that's the problem. They want us to kill each other. That's what they want.

Kenny

There's nothing more important to Spenny than being me, being in love with me, wanting to emulate me, and become...the son of God.

You are the last person on the planet that I wanna be like. Do you understand that?

Kenny

It's gonna be very hard for me to impersonate Spenny. Really what I have to do is: masturbate in playgrounds...what else do you do?

Fuck squirrels...in the park.

Kenny

In the park? I thought it was in the ass.

I'm a crack addict...

Kenny

Guys cracks.

Umm...what else do I do? I'm a necrophiliac.

Kenny

Oh, one sec, you are a...shit eating...

Oh, that's right. I'm a shit eating fuck head. See I'm going to win, because I've captured your essence. I have to be him. Feel sorry for me.

Kenny

In other words, it's time for him to become funny, and for me to stop being funny.

People think I'm funny.

Kenny

Looking

What the fuck are you doing? Oh My God! Kenny what is that? That can't be.

Kenny

What is it? It's dinner.

Is that real fuckin' poo?

Kenny

Kenny if you're gonna interrupt my dinner you might as well set up a plate and sit down.

Ok this is fuckin' ridiculous. I've never done anything like that in my life. Ever!

Kenny

Oh no, I'm allergic to peanuts! [Spitting out fake feces]

This is completely ridic - what are you doing?! Is that fuckin' poo?

It's just brownie mix, cake.

You're ruining my fuckin' shirt. The fuckin' toilet looks like shit. [Kenny spits up more poo] Me at the toilet eating shit is fuckin' beyond the pale, BEYOND THE PALE!

I pooped my panties!

Spencer, no! That's too much!

I got poo-poo on my nose! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

Spencer, that's enough! Out! Get out!

[breaking character] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's what your son's like. You know what he did today? He made, uh, fake poo, and ate it, pretending to be me. That's what he did today.

That's why he's so funny.

You think that's funny?

I think that's funny.

And this isn't funny?

No, this is messy.

What the? What is that? [Spenny is referring to a novelty vagina that Kenny is wearing on his face, then Kenny starts to "finger" his face] OH THAT'S DISGUSTING! You know this is disgusting what you're doing. Kenny it's not working.

Kenny

[Mimics mouth movements with the novelty] Do you have a breath mint? [Makes vagina fart noises with the novelty] Bonjour! Comment ça va aujourd'hui?

I think I should have the last date. Obviously we're not dating the same person at the same time. Can I go second please?

Kenny

Can you go suck it?

SECOND!

Kenny

What was, you want to..

Fuck!

Kenny

Fuck? Now you want to fuck? First you wanted to suck now you want to fuck?

People fuck animals, people fuck feet. I've never heard of anyone fucking meat. And I'm begging you the next time stick a fuckin' post-it note saying "fucked it" and I won't eat it.

Kenny

I didn't fuck it.

You didn't fuck it?

Kenny

Not really. I made love to it.

You shut up for two seconds. This is not a Kenny versus Spenny competition this is a competition between good and evil and guess which one you are buddy!

Kenny

Good?

NO, EVIL!

We're having a fishing competition why are we talking about vaginas?

Do you know what a lure is? Do you know what a bait is? Do you know...

Kenny

I bait the fish with my allure.

So it's all gonna be puns. But the reality is, have you ever looked at a tackle box? Do you know what that is? Do you have any idea?

Kenny

I've tackled a lot of boxes my friend.

Oh God, with the fuckin' puns. Stop it!

Kenny

[On Loudspeaker] Mayday! Mayday! Spenny's Mother is a whore! A dirty whore!

Kenny shut up! Shut up!

Kenny

Mayday! She's a whore! She likes it up the ass!

That's it. That's it. [Goes up to Kenny and starts choking him] DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER! [To the boat's captain and is referring to the loudspeaker] Turn this off! Turn it off! Jesus Christ!

Kenny

Call me Kenny.

Calm down it's off, it's off.

Kenny

Don't call me Jesus in front of people.

Don't tell me to calm down. Get down there and don't touch my fuckin' rod.

Kenny

That's not what you said last night.

Ok, one more fuckin' rod joke, dick joke, stick joke and I'm gonna fuckin' lose it!

When you realize that you'll have no responsibilities, you'll have no bills to pay, you won't have to bathe--which you do [sic] anyway--so you can stink, and everybody will stink, so you'll blend in with the crowd. You might actually enjoy it. That's actually a real concern of mine.

Kenny

I'm gonna pay homeless people to rape Spenny, and it's gonna cost me a lot of money.

You know what, even just referring to them as homeless people--they're all individuals.

Kenny

I'm sorry, you're right, I shouldn't refer to them as homeless. I should refer to them as stinky bums.

Shh! I'm homeless!

Kenny

Yeah, you're brainless.

Where's my shoe?!

Kenny

A homeless guy took it.

If you don't give me my shoe, I'm going to urinate in your mouth!

Kenny

You shaved your legs!

No I didn't, I clipped them.

Kenny

You clipped your leg hair!

Yes, I did.

Kenny

You're a fancy girl. You're very fancy. That's so beautiful. What gets you hard, lover?

What gets me hard? Usually, you know, masturbation or a woman--having some kind of sexual contact with a woman. I mean, this isn't rocket science.

Kenny

You love rockets, right?

Who me?

Kenny

Yeah.

I do like rockets.

Kenny

[thrusting] Like a big Mars lunar lander? Is that what you want?

I would like to go to outer space.

Kenny

You want to go to Uranus.

I wouldn't mind going to Uranus.

Kenny

You wanna go to my anus?

No, I didn't say that--I said Uranus, which is a planet.

Kenny

Alright, Spenny and I have decided that neither of us are going to get a boner, so the only thing left to do is have a bone-off. We both picked lap dancers for the other person. They are going to grind us--

Simultaneously.

Kenny

The first person to get a boner loses.