Spenny quotes from Kenny vs. Spenny

Kenny

I've got itch-ass.

Did you use leaves?

Kenny

Yeah, but I used okay leaves. But it's still fucking itchy.

You used like, leaves to wipe, and you don't know what the leaves... they could've been poison ivy.

Kenny

Oh my God... you gotta...

What are you doing?

Kenny

I'm making you look at my ass. If there's a rash or...

I'm not looking at your...

Kenny

You have to see if there's a rash.

I am not looking at your ass.

Kenny

Look at my ass.

No!

Oh, God! Urgh... I don't know, man. I'm colour blind so it's hard for me to see.

Kenny

I, uh...I feel pretty good...pretty good... Spencer, umm...Spencer, how are you feeling?

How am I feeling? I've been up for 6 hours. I don't even want to be shot now. People are gonna wanna see me after I've been awake for 24 hours. This is ridiculous. I'm not even gonna be tired until 3 or 4 in the morning, so we're just wasting tape.

Very funny.

We're at the sleep disorders clinic at the Center for Sleep and Chronobiology with Spenny and Benny.

Kenny

Kenny.

Kenny.

[laughing] Kenny and Benny.

Kenny

You need some sleep.

Kenny

You want anything?

Yeah, don't come back.

Kenny

I may be back, I may not. You may not know - when I'm here or when I'm a shadow. When I'm a ghost or when you're alone. You may never know again. You may never know...

What is going on? You're peeing on the -

Kenny

Well I'm nervous get away!

You're dribbling like an old ma - You're getting it all over the floor!

Kenny

[Laughing] It's just pee!

Kenny

I'm peeing - are you trying to get a look at my dick?!

[Laughing] It's not - that's not your dick what is that!?

Kenny

[Laughing] It is my dick! It's my dick! Don't look!

[Laughing] Oh my God! Disqualification! Disqualification! What are you insane? What the hell is that, is that piss?!

Kenny

It's too salty. Did you put four cups of water in it?

Go to hell.

Kenny

Thank you. Bastard. It's your fault I have a broken leg!

Get a nurse! AND A NANNY!

Kenny

I have to go to the bathroom! Pee Pee! Pee Pee!

You know, he's just milking this for all it's worth and this is just not acceptable.

Kenny

Spenny?!

I'm calling your mother!

Kenny

She's working and I have to go pee come on!

I gotta sit and take care of you for six weeks! I'm not your fucking nurse!

Kenny

You are partially responsible for this!

I am not at all responsible. I am not at all responsible!

Kenny

Yeah you are! Yes you are!

Get you coffee! Get you this! I gotta pee! I'm helping you! Here, get up get up!

Kenny

You're disgusting. You're disgusting!

Great I'm disgusting, just get up.

Kenny

Originally, Spenny wanted to have this race with like, black people, where we each get a black man and...

Are you crazy?!

Kenny

You wanted to do that! I think it's disgusting.

Lying, lying. Black man?

Kenny

I was just so disgusted, fucking disgusted.

Fuck off! I never, ever, ever wanted to race a black person. I've raced against a black person in high school and I lost. That doesn't mean that all black people are faster than white people, but this particular individual was, and the fact that you bring up anything about racism, or anything related to anything like that, is absolutely ridiculous.

Who's she?

Kenny

Ah, it's some average girl.

She's hot!

Kenny

Meh.

Why aren't you doing the news thing?

Kenny

Well, "News Flash", me getting laid.

Where the hell are you in life if you're living beside a bridge under a tarp?

There's people that live in the sewer, man.

In the sewer?

Yeah.

With all the poo and pee?

Yeah.

In this city, or was it like New York or something?

Nah, it's here.

We've gotta find these people! I wish you would've told me that sooner. People living in the sewer, that's fantastic!

I am not going to lose this competition. I'm not going to let Kenny win anymore. This is it, I've had enough, alright. And I don't care if we have to fucking push over an old lady to win this fucking thing. We're gonna do it, alright? What is wrong?! Why can't we find a news story?! I'm the guy that gets humiliated! I'm the guy that's on the line here! We have one more night to win this, okay? There's shootings and killings and death every single day! Why can't we find one?! I'm sick of this shit. [walks away]

He just hates losing, that's all.

You'd think he'd be used to it by now.

Dude, it has been a dream my whole life to sell a script.

What about the bibles?

Fuck the bibles!

Kenny

You feel a little tingle in your stomach, and the tingle is friendship. And when that tingle hits your heart, it becomes love.

Or herpes.

Kenny

There are some things that I've done that are so mean to Spenny that I think they are detrimental to his health right now, and I think if I came clean, he would truly believe I was trying to change.

What kinds of things are you talking about?

Kenny

Like, just little things, like, I stuck his toothbrush up my ass two weeks ago and he's still using it. I'm so sorry I used to be mean.

I think we need to end this session now. I can't be of any help to you.

Kenny

Well, thank you so much for your time, I really appreciate it. Come on Spencer, let's go.

Kenny

I'm so sorry Spenny is an asshole.

You fucked Catherine Stockwood while I was seeing her?

Kenny

Yeah.

Where?

Kenny

[lowers his head in shame], In the vagina. Fucking, fucking for hours on end, just fucking her and fucking her.

Please, just cut the cameras.

Kenny

It's true, I'm sorry. But still, it's very nice of me to tell you.