Hugh quotes from Johnny Test

Hugh

[after he turns off the TV in front of Johnny and Dukey] Johnny, do something else besides watch Tiny'Mon. Go outside and play a game or something.

Hugh

Being stuffed into my own locker by Bumper is still better than toilet plunging.

Hugh

[Grabs the toaster] Yes. And I'm not getting any more, because you guys have already gone through three loaves. [Puts down the toaster, then gets mind-controlled.]

Hugh

Dinner time! This is the last of the jerky, so take small bites.

Lila

Jerky!? WE'RE ALL SICK OF JERKY!! [she slaps the plate out of Dad's hands, smashing it into pieces]

So you pitch me the ball and I accidentally hit it through the open family room window and bash! Right into the old stinky TV. It breaks and dad buys a new one. Now pitch, dog!

Um, that was the windshield on your dad's car.

[counting by his fingers] 3, 2, 1...

Hugh

[offscreen] JOHNNY!!!

Run.

Bumper

So I get to beat up Test and you guys won't call my mom?

Beat away.

Bumper

Awesome! [he runs off to beat up Johnny]

[sprays gas at Bumper] Awesome!

Hugh

Johnny! You are in big trouble mister, and you look ridiculous and- [Johnny sprays gas on him to make him hush]

[walks up to Johnny] Okay, let's go get that $10,000.

Now The Caveman is mad and he's getting his club. And that means Stinkin' Johnny is gonna get it too! [laughs] Nothing can save Stinkin' Johnny now.

Hugh

[comes in angrily dressed as the Cagin' Mad Dad] STOP RIGHT THERE!

Dad?

Except for the Cagin' Mad Dad!

Hugh

Now that is my son and although he's in big trouble. You'll be in more if you lay 1 hand- [The Caveman throws him out and he lands on Dukey's back] Ooh, soft landing! AND YOU'LL ALL BE IN BIG TROUBLE!

[worried] But not as much as Johnny!

Hey, now! If you could just put me down so I could go home and forget this whole-

Uh-huh!

Yeah, I didn't think so.

And the madness continues as the Caveman must now take the OVERPROTECTIVE MOM!

Lila

Don't you dare lay a finger on that boy!

Ooh! [he laughs as he presses Johnny's costume, then Lila grabs his arm and throws him on the floor 3 times]

And The Caveman is down for a triple way! [Lila jumps on The Caveman's back] And the body slam! Rope dive!

Hugh

You see girls? That's why I never upset your mother.

[as Lila finishes off to defeat The Caveman] UNBELIEVABLE! The Caveman is coming back to 1 last attack.

Hugh

Oh, he really shouldn't do that.

And the Overprotective Mom wins!

[satisfied; after his mom saved him] You were awesome! You were amazing! And you're gonna punish me, right?

Lila

Oh, big time.

Susan

Well, the bad news is mom and dad kept the $10,000.

But the good news is they bought a new HDTV with it.

Which I can't watch for a month 'cause I'm grounded from TV.

And us from the lab.

Right, so let's play some ball! [he throws the baseball to Johnny which causes him to break the new HDTV] That was the TV.

[counting by his fingers] 3, 2, 1.

[offscreen; angrily] JOHNNY!!!

Hugh

[shows up and takes the game away from the boys] Johnny, THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!

But, dad, I'm training to be a Tiny-Mon master, so I can snag more Tiny'Mons so I can catch the Legendary Screechereen, which may or may not exist.

Hugh

Johnny, there are only 2 things in this world I don't understand and that's woman and Tiny'Mon. [Dukey yawns] And you need to stop playing or you'll get lost inside your own Tiny'Mon world and NEVER COME OUT! [he leaves with Johnny and Dukey's game]

We're going to the lab aren't we?

You wouldn't last a day in my shoes.

Hugh

YOU COULDN'T LAST AN HOUR IN MINE!!!!!

We can arrange that.

I can't take it. DAD WINS! I just want my horrible childhood back!

Hugh

And I want my awful life back!

I'm so sorry, Dad! And, I love you, man.

Hugh

I love you too, son. And Bumper's coming here to kick your butt. I mean my butt. I mean HELP!

[Notices that Lila is Home due to car skidding noises] And now, it's about to get worse.

Lila

Why is the house smoking with burned cupcakes all over the lawn?! [Camera zooms out showing the house is smoking with burned cupcakes all over the lawn.] And why did I get a call from the Principal saying: "Johnny cuts school"!?

Yep, we're dead.

(tries to imitate Hugh's voice) Uh, uh, I mean, I have a cold.

Lila

Someone tell me what's going on!

We switched places to find out who had a tougher life. And they're both pretty tough! And frankly, Mom, you should take advantage of Dad.

Lila

You switched their BODIES?!

Susan

No! We switched their brains.

Lila

Oh. WELL, SWITCH THEM BACK!

I'm back to normal!!

Lila

But I'm still mad at all of you! I worked hard all day and all week, and I don't want to come home to a destroyed house. And now, (Yelling) I HAVE TO MAKE THE CUPCAKES!!!!!

[Running] AAAAHHH! GET AWAY, EUGENE, I'M NOT INTO YOU!!!

Bling Bling Boy

But I love you, Susan Test, who clearly has a cold!

Hugh

Well, Your mom's getting ahead of Eugene pretty good. I wonder how Susan's baking's going? [Everyone but Dukey put on their glasses]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Ha! It really is like the 4th of July!

I need a new bike.

Hugh

What happened to your old bike?

First, we test to jump with these look-like dummies, then calculate the speed and trajectory will need to make the jump for real!

It's genius!

Uh... it got stolen?

Hugh

Hm?

(Dramatic) Why, dad, why did it have to get stolen?

Hugh

I'll get you a new bike for your birthday. (Johnny looks overjoyed) Which is seven months away.

(Angrily flails his arms) YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!

Hugh

I do love you, son, and I will always love and accept you for who you are your entire life.

I don't know what that means.

Hugh

It means you're not getting a new bike until your birthday.

DARN IT!!

Hi, Mr. Test, would you like to buy some ladybird scout cookies?

Hugh

No, because I'm... I believe the lady bird scouts have lost their way and have become nothing but a door to door cookie company using free labor, and although I like you sissy, I can no longer buy these cookies. (Walks away)

Your dad is weird.

Yeah, I know. (Johnny & Sissy look at each other) You look dumb.

Do you want to buy some cookies, Test?

Oh wow, ladybird scout cookies, they look so good and... No. (Dukey hits Johnny) Ow!

I mean, give me a box of Wow! Wow! Chocolate Chunkies. (Dukey hits Johnny then shakes his head "no") Ow, Coconut Dribblers?

Hm!

Lemon Buckwalt? (Dukey groans while shaking his head "no" yet again. Johnny takes the blue box of cookies) Butter Scotch Blah Blas?

Yes! Only 999 boxes to go.

To go for what?

When you sell lady bird scout cookies, (Sissy opens a blue folder attached on her clipboard and it reveals prizes depending on the boxes of cookies sold) you can win prizes like backpacks, pen sets, and if you sell a thousand boxes, you get new bike.

Stop!

Susan

Sit. (Wentworth sits down) Good boy. (Gives Wentworth steak. Wentworth eats the steak) What do you want this time, little brother? A lerinx transplant so you can sing like a rockstar?

Or a DNA adjustment that will make your tongue taste like bubble gum?

No, we need your old ladybird scout uniforms.

Susan

That's a new one.

Now all we have to do is sell 1,000 boxes of this crud, and zoom, we're in brand new bike city!

And here comes our first customer.

Lila

I'm calling Wendell, Tyler, Sissy and Bumper's moms again! You need a best friend, mister!

I have a best friend, ok! A best friend who plays catch with me outside, skateboards with me and eats my table scraps. Dukey.

Hugh

Dukey is a great dog, son. But... you need to talk to someone other than yourself.

(to Dukey) Say 'hi'. Go on, say it. Say it before they destroy me with friends!

Lila

Johnny, dogs don't talk.

[Standing on his hind legs] I talk. (Mom and Dad gasp) Yeah, I'm like a really great dog. (Laughs, and Mom and Dad faint.)

Susan

Eh, they'll be fine in about 2 hours.