NHNobby Hopwood
This isn't another idea for getting Clam and Uncle Percy together?
Absolutely! Yes, "the simplicity of genius" is a phrase you might find springing unbidden to your lips.
S4 E2The Once and Future Ex
SCStilton Cheesewright
Don't "what ho" me. I know why you're in New York. You're here for a bit of snake-in-the-grassing.
Snake-in-the...?
SCStilton Cheesewright
Grassing!
[referring to Stilton] D'Arcy Cheesewright is an uncouth Cossack!
Isn't that one of those things clergymen wear?
When I was in service with Lord Worplesden, sir, Mr. Fittleworth contracted an engagement to Lady Florence.
Boko Fittleworth did? Huh. I never knew that. This tendency on the part of the human race to rush around getting engaged to Florence is absolutely inexplicable.
GCGeorge Caffyn
I fell asleep! I didn't wake up till Nobby was banging on the door. I don't know where girls get these expressions from, Bertie.
What expressions?
GCGeorge Caffyn
I couldn't repeat 'em, not with gentlemen present.
S4 E3Bridegroom Wanted
[playing the piano while singing] This Irving Berlin fellow seems to have come a bit of a cropper here, Jeeves.
Sir?
This new song of his — too many words, not enough notes.
If you'll pardon me for saying so, sir, it seems to be a reasonably straightforward syncopated 5/4 time signature. If you were to accent the words "if," "where" and "fashion," I think you'd find that the correct rhythmic pattern would emerge.
"If," "where" and "fashion." Right. [playing and singing] "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to / Why don't you go where fashion sits / Puttin' on the Ritz." Well, he more or less gets away with it, Jeeves, but what about this? "Spangled gowns upon a beauty of hand-me-downs on clown and cutie, all misfits, Puttin' on the Ritz"? Well, just as well for him he chose the Ritz, Jeeves. Imagine the trouble he'd have gone into if he'd decided to write about putting on the Regency. Now, where do you suppose he'd find a rhyme for "Regency," Jeeves?
Ah... "with due expediency," sir?
[trying it out on the piano] "With due expediency / Puttin' on the Regency." It doesn't really work, does it, Jeeves?
Very true, sir.
Sorry, Bingo, out of the question. I will not go through all that again. Telling him my pen name was Rosie M. Banks and that I'd written all those frightful novels.
Not for me?
Not for you nor a dozen like you.
I never thought to hear those words from Bertie Wooster!
Yeah. Yes, well, you've heard them now! Paste them into your hat!
RGSir Roderick Glossop
The Glossop method is based on the patient being given an excess of whatever it is he most desires — as it may be alcohol or the companionship of the opposite sex or, as in Lord Bittlesham's case, food. The patient will eventually revolt at the sheer immoderation of it and voluntarily deny himself.
Ah, sort of get it out of his system.
RGSir Roderick Glossop
Precisely.
Is it successful?
RGSir Roderick Glossop
It's theoretically impeccable, Bertie, and extremely popular.
Yes, yes, I should think it would be.
Um, a problem has arisen in the life of, uh, a friend of mine, Jeeves, who shall remain nameless, and I want — or rather he wants — your advice.
Certainly, sir.
Well, ah, I must begin by saying that this is one of those delicate problems where not only must my friend be nameless, but all the other personnel as well.
Would you prefer it if we were to term the protagonists A and B, sir?
Yes, or North and South.
A and B is more customary, sir.
Yes, well, you know best, Jeeves. Very well. Now then, A is male and B female. You follow me so far?
You have been lucidity itself, sir.
Bingo, old can of fruit!
What ho, Bertie.
S4 E4The Delayed Arrival
SCStilton Cheesewright
[referring to Bertie's cocktail] Now what do you suppose those things are doing to your eye?
For your information, Cheesewright, one does not administer alcohol by the eye, or even by the ear. The mouth is the correct orifice.
SCStilton Cheesewright
Not if one's meant to be in training for the Drones' darts tournament, it isn't.
Ah, yes, of course, you've drawn me in the sweepstake, haven't you? Well, your money is safe, Cheesewright. The Wooster form is as devastating as ever.
SCStilton Cheesewright
We want a win this year, Wooster, not another dratted tie. I happened to look into the Drones this afternoon. Freddie Widgeon was at the darts board, stunning everyone with a performance that — took the breath away.
Tcha!
SCStilton Cheesewright
Eh?
I said "tcha!" scornfully, with ref. to F. Widgeon. I know his form backwards.
SCStilton Cheesewright
He's knocked off smoking, you know!
No!
SCStilton Cheesewright
He takes a cold bath every morning!
[shrugs] He's forgotten where the hot tap is.
[at the Mottled Oyster]
This is wonderful! What horrible people! Are all nightclubs like this?
Ah, well, this is about average for the unlicensed places.
Unlicensed?
You said you wanted somewhere low and garish.
Oh no, I'm not complaining. This is just the sort of place I pictured Rollo coming to that night!
Rollo?
The hero of my novel. Rollo Beeminster. He's in a wild mood, reckless, desperate. He's lost the girl he loves, and he comes to this low nightclub trying to forget, but it's useless. He looks around him at the glitter and garishness and feels how hollow it all is.
Yes. [clears throat] I saw Stilton at the Drones tonight.
Oh, yes?
Yes, he was in a wild mood. He looked about him at the Drones' smoking room and I could see he was feeling what a hollow... smoking room it was.
Oh, Bertie, if magazines had ears, Milady's Boudoir would be up to them in debt. I've got nasty little men in bowler hats knocking at my door.
Well, I can't possibly come down to Brinkley, aged aunt. If I'm seen within a twenty-mile radius of Florence Craye, I get my spine broken.
Oh, you're so selfish, Bertie. You don't know how important this is to me.
Well you don't know how important my spine is to me. I'm very attached to it.
If that doesn't leave me without a stain on my character, well, then I don't know what it does leave me without a stain on.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Jeeves and Wooster pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.