You, er ... don't know how I could raise fifty quid somehow, do you?
Work?
[recoiling in disappointment] Bertie.
S3 E6Comrade Bingo
[about the current object of Bingo's affection, Charlotte Rowbotham]
I've only seen a photograph, Jeeves, and it may well be that she has a heart of gold; however, the first thing that strikes one about her is that she also has a tooth of gold.
Aunt Dahlia! What ho, old blood relation!
[affectionately] Hello, Bertie, revolting young blot.
Why is it do you think, Jeeves, that the thought of that little thing my Aunt Dahlia wants me to do for her fills me with a nameless foreboding?
Experience, sir?
CFCornelia Fothergill
Everard's painting Lord Sidcup at the moment.
Really? What colour? [chuckles]
[Bertie walks in on Madeline playing the piano]
Oh, Bertie! I need someone to turn the pages for me.
Right, well, I'll go and find someone, shall I?
If you ask me, Jeeves, art is responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
It's an interesting theory, sir. Would you care to expatiate upon it?
[pause]
Well, as a matter of fact, no, Jeeves. The thought just occurred to me, as thoughts do.
Very good, sir.
S4 E1Return to New York
[Bertie wakens with a terrific hangover]
Jeeves, I'm — I'm getting too old for all this. I feel like something that's been rejected by the Pure Food Committee.
[Claude and Eustace argue over Marion, a nightclub singer with whom they're both infatuated]
CClaude
Have you come back to inflict your beastly society on Miss Wardour?
EEustace
Is that why you sneaked back in this underhand fashion?
CClaude
Underhand? I like that! Well, may the best man win, that's what I say.
Never mind about the best man. What about me? Suppose Aunt Agatha finds out.
In my experience, ladies who spell "Gwladys" with a "w" are seldom noted for their reliability, sir. It gives them romantic notions.
This is a bit steep, Jeeves.
Approaching the perpendicular, sir.
[Bertie proposes kidnapping a small child to solve a problem]
I regret that the terms of my employment do not permit me to take part in criminal activity, sir.
[dismissively] What rot, Jeeves. We're only going to borrow him for an hour. In any case, there's nothing remotely criminal about bringing two loving hearts together.
That is not an assertion I should care to see tested in a court of law, sir.
I attended the performance of a cinema film recently in which the estranged parents of the child were brought together again by the tot in question.
Well, how?
If I remember rightly, sir, it said, "Dadda, doesn't 'oo love Mummy no more?"
"Dadda, doesn't 'oo love Mummy no more?" And that did the trick, did it, Jeeves?
Oh, yes, indeed, sir. The picture concluded with a close-up of the happy pair in fond embrace, with the child looking on with natural gratification.
[training the baby] No, you must say "kiss Tuppy"... I'm sorry, unless you comply with our wishes in this matter, no more toffees will be forthcoming.
What about the money you owe me?
ASAlexander Slingsby
I don't owe you one goddamn red cent! My wife looked up your cockamamie soup in a cookbook!
It's Cock-a-Leekie! And my nanny never wrote a cookbook.
ASAlexander Slingsby
She didn't have to! It's in every cookbook from here to Vladivostok!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Jeeves and Wooster pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.