Major Lilywhite quotes from IZombie

[Natalie smiles] You sound like the sort of quality boyfriend I've only heard about.

Major Lilywhite

Yeah, I wouldn't be too sure about that.

You're doing all of this to keep your girlfriend safe. She's got to appreciate that.

Major Lilywhite

Ah, she doesn't know. I can't tell her. Liv would try to stop Vaughn. I'd end up getting her killed, and I can't risk that. I won't risk that. You know, it's like a cult over there, and he is their messiah offering up immortality in a can. I'm working on a plan, but in the meantime, I have to keep abducting zombies, taking them away from their families, and proving I'm a good soldier, and I'm pretty sure that Liv would find that... reprehensible. I know I do.

If this doesn't work... if the cure doesn't happen...

Major Lilywhite

It's going to.

But if it doesn't... I don't want to come back as a zombie. Not like this. And definitely not like one of those mindless, drooling monsters you see in the movies.

Major Lilywhite

Where do you think it is?

Liv Moore

In the stomach of a dead drug dealer with a prosthetic leg.

Ravi Chakrabarti

Well, the good news is, we've managed to narrow the location of his unmarked grave to a single 100-acre field.

Major Lilywhite

You really need to work on the whole "Good news" concept.

Ravi Chakrabarti

I thought you should both hear this at the same time.

Major Lilywhite

Oh, no, are you and Mom getting a divorce?

Ravi Chakrabarti

Silver lining... You know, you two finally get to have hot zombie sex. Right? Room temperature zombie sex?

Major Lilywhite

Yeah, about that...

Liv Moore

We broke up.

Ravi Chakrabarti

[Major mouths to Ravi that Liv broke up with him] Ah. Right.

Major Lilywhite

I got you a little something, Liv.

Liv Moore

[Liv opens the present and gasps] Zombie High, the Complete Second Season!

Ravi Chakrabarti

What's my gift?

Major Lilywhite

Not having to watch that.

Liv Moore

Have you guys ever wrestled? Stripped down, oiled up, seen who winds up on top?

Major Lilywhite

Have we?

Ravi Chakrabarti

Strangely enough, no.

Major Lilywhite

Night's young.

Ravi Chakrabarti

Hey. Good night of making rich white people less fat?

Major Lilywhite

Yeah. It's God's work what I do.

Vaughn Du Clark

I'm going to be so upset if you're not telling me the truth. And I don't get mad, Major.

Major Lilywhite

You get even?

Vaughn Du Clark

Oh, God, no. No, no, no. What's the fun there? I get even with interest. I embrace the Chicago way.

Clive Babineaux

Geo-whatting?

Ravi Chakrabarti

Geocaching. It's a real world outdoor treasure hunting game. Strangers leave caches, post the GPS coordinates, and then people like us go out and find them. That's what we were doing.

Clive Babineaux

What sort of treasures?

Ravi Chakrabarti

Oh! Let's see. Uh, Matchbox cars, sets of crayons.

Major Lilywhite

Yeah. I found a wheat penny once.

Clive Babineaux

So treasures for children.

Ravi Chakrabarti

It's more about the joy of discovery. Why do men climb mountains, Clive?

Clive Babineaux

Because it tests their endurance, their courage, their sense of themselves as men? Oh, I'm sorry. Were you drawing a comparison?

Major Lilywhite

[Major and Ravi dig in the open field in search of the Utopium on the dead body] Ravi! Ravi! [Ravi takes his headphones off] We did it! There he is! Zombie cure, here we come!

Ravi Chakrabarti

It isn't one of our guys. Ours has been dead for nearly two years. This one's only a couple of months gone.

Major Lilywhite

Then who is this?

Major Lilywhite

Scott E?

Don Everhart

Nope. I'm flattered, though. That was one good-looking man.

Blaine DeBeers

Bad news, brother. Today is the last day of your life. So you better get straight with your God, 'cause here comes the big one. You comfy in there? I ask, because it's where you're going to be spending eternity. But because I'm a forgiving man, I'm willing to let you decide which way you go out. There's quick and painless, a bullet straight to the heart. I know, a head shot would be quicker, but that brain of yours is gonna fetch a pretty penny. Or... we turn you into a zombie and we bury you in this box, where you will suffer forever with an abiding hunger for brains that you will never sate.

Major Lilywhite

Wait. What do you want to know?

Blaine DeBeers

Well, it's obvious there's a leak in my organization. I mean, how else are you finding my zombies? Give me a name, and we'll go the quick route. Scout's honor. Otherwise it is... express train to Zombieland.

Major Lilywhite

I was given a list. Three hundred names, all suspected zombies, all connoisseurs of fake tans, hair dye and hot sauce. My job was to figure out which ones were zombies and which ones weren't, and get rid of the ones that are. I was told that if I didn't do it, they would take out every single person on the list, and they would start with Liv.

Blaine DeBeers

Oh. Who's the 'they'? Let me know who's making you do this.

Major Lilywhite

No.

Blaine DeBeers

You must have a pair on you the size of watermelons.

Major Lilywhite

If I told you, you have no reason to keep me alive. And aren't you a little bit interested to know if you're on their list?

Blaine DeBeers

Maybe a few more hours in the dark will make that quick death more appealing. Close him up. I'm not going to miss you.

Liv Moore

My roommate is dog-sitting her uncle's mini golden doodle.

Major Lilywhite

So cute. The dog, not the uncle.