DDoctor
He swallowed a magnet. We gotta cut it out.
[to the kid] How old are you?
KKid
Eight.
And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge. Darwin says "let him die".
S3 E12One Day, One Room
We are selfish, base animals crawling across the earth, but 'cause we've got brains, if we try really hard, we can usually aspire to something that is less than pure evil.
EEve
Abortion is murder.
True. It's a life and you should end it.
EEve
Every life is sacred.
Come on, talk to me don't quote me bumper stickers.
EEve
It's true.
It's meaningless.
EEve
It means that every life matters to God.
Not to me, not to you. Judging by the number of natural disasters, not to God either.
EEve
You're just being argumentative.
Yeah. I do do that. What about Hitler? Was his life sacred to God? Father of your child. Is his life sacred to you?
EEve
My child isn't Hitler.
Either every life is sacred or—
EEve
Stop it! I don't want to chat about philosophy.
You're not killing your rape baby because of a philosophy.
EEve
It's murder, I'm against it, you for it?
Not as a general rule.
EEve
Just for unborn children?
Yes. The problem with exceptions to rules is the line-drawing. It might make sense for us to kill the ass that did this to you. I mean, where do we draw the line? Which asses do we get to kill and which asses get to keep on being asses? The nice thing about the abortion debate is that we can quibble over trimesters but ultimately, there's a nice clean line: birth. Morally, there isn't a lot of difference. Practically, huge.
EEve
You're enjoying this conversation.
This is the type of conversation I do well.
S3 E13Needle in a Haystack
Dr. Chase [About Stevie, the patient]: Kind of. He's Romani. Apparently they feel the need to keep secrets so it's hard to know anything for sure.
Yeah, he's also a human being which means you shouldn't be trusting him to begin with. Stop relying on his answers and find some on your own.
Ah yes, if it isn't Dr. Ironside.
Ah, if it isn't Dr. "I had no friends when I was growing up, so all I did was watch TV by myself which is why I can now make constant pop cultural references which no one understands but me."
That's my name, don't wear it out.
His liver's actually improving. We plug one hole and end up poking another.
Are we talking about the patient, or how to get a raise from Cuddy?
We were treating him for Wagner's and everything went wrong.
Not everything.
Yeah, it was a very lovely day outside. On the other hand, the treatment made him worse.
[sitting in a wheelchair] My will may be weak, but my backbone is strong. And pain-free, now that I've stopped using the cane. Of course it's harder to look down Cuddy's shirt, but then the vantage point on her ass has much improved. But that's just me: Always looking on the bright side. I'm the guy who said her C-cups are half-full.
JWDr. Julie Whitner
They are nice, aren't they?
[House slowly starts to grin]
No, no, no, no, no... you're not gonna win me over that easily.
S3 E14Insensitive
What's your name?
Hannah Morganthal.
You have CIPA, Hannah Morganthal.
No, I don't.
We have to do x-rays to make sure you don't have internal injuries. Blood tests to make sure no infections. EEG for neurological anomalies. And... biopsy a spinal nerve.
Whoa whoa whoa. Congenital insensitivity to pain is one of the rarest conditions on the planet. There's only been about... sixty documented cases —
Yeah, and I have... seven reasons to think that she's one of them.
She says she's not.
That's reason number one. She knew what it was without us telling her. Two, she's still wet from the snow, but she's not shivering. That's odd. Unless she can't sweat or feel hot and cold.
The ambulance was warm. I want to see my mother.
Three, scarring around the lips and tongue. When she was a baby, she would chew on herself without feeling it.
I fell through a window when I was a kid.
Four, when you cleaned the wound, she flexed into the cleaner instead of away from it. It's hard to fake pain when you've never felt it. Takes an imaginative leap, Ms. Morganthal. That's one of them Jew names. Ashkenazis are a higher risk group.
On the other hand, she says she doesn't have it. And she'd be dead by now if she'd never been diagnosed.
They killed our Lord. You gonna trust them? She wants to see her mom. If she admits having CIPA, she knows we're not letting her go anywhere without a battery of tests.
You said you had seven reasons.
I pulled a number out of the air. What, five isn't enough?
Five lame reasons aren't. [turns away] I'm taking her to see her mom as soon as —
[House suddenly hits Hannah's good leg with his cane, but Hannah doesn't move]
I can hit her again if six isn't enough.
I wanna see my mother!
Hi again. Not sure I can say this without sounding condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you, so... you're a kid. You're scared, you're stalling. Grow up.
I'm not scared. I'm never scared.
See? How juvenile was that? You can't feel pain - nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is.
It sucks.
Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair!
[Hannah stays on the floor, House gets a syringe]
Every morning I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep.
Oh god, stop! I'm in a pool of tears here.
I can't cry.
Neither can I. Every morning I check my eyes for jaundice in case the Vicodin finally shot my liver.
I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
I can't run.
Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat.
Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.
I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Do you know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?
Bathroom's 50 feet from my office. Every drink of water I weigh the pros and cons.
After everything I do, I self-check: Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises...
I got shot.
[Hannah pauses, Cameron and Chase exchange looks]
I sat on a stove when I was three. Wanna see the coil marks?
Yeah.
Do you think I'm lying?
Do you think I just wanna check out your tuchus, as your people would say?
[Hannah gets up and lifts her gown, House gives her an injection, she becomes unconscious]
Put her in the chair and run the damn test. If she moves again, give her nitrous.
[House turns to leave, but Cameron intercepts him]
You weren't shot because of leg pain, you were shot because you're a jerk!
Some think the two are connected.
[to Cameron] People who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing it is.
[After extracting a tapeworm from a patient.]
It's gotta be 25 feet long.
Dammit, world record's over 60.
So I'm thinking we should have sex.
[confused] That makes sense.
Despite the wisdom of pop songs there's no point in putting our lives on hold until love comes along. We're both healthy and busy people, and we work together so it's convenient.
Like microwave pizza?
And of all the people I work with you're the one I'm least likely to fall in love with.
Like microwave pizza.
The point here is to make things simpler, not more complicated. Some day there'll be time to get serious about someone. Meanwhile, we've already had sex once and didn't get weird about it, so…
I get it, I get it. So, what if I'm offended by your judgment?
Then you're not the man I'm looking for.
[Cameron walks away. Chase shakes his head, then follows her, grinning]
S3 E15Half Wit
[to Dr. Cameron and Dr. Chase] You two shower together?
CCDr. Cameron/Dr. Chase
[together] No!
Double negative - it's a yes.
[Patrick is a musical savant and is currently in an MRI. Dr. House is trying to get his mind to work the way it does when he plays piano so he can observe the activity in it.]
Patrick, I want you to pretend that your leg is a piano.
PPatrick
My leg's not a piano.
I know, that's why I said pretend. [aside to Foreman] Kid's a moron!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.