(Interview) The guests that we don't want here, are people who don't have a lot of money.
S1 E1Juniper Hill Inn, Part One
When we typically take a reservation, we will tell people it's a three course meal.
But that's... for the residents, I'm talking about a local coming in here.
We're reservation only though, so nobody walks in, we don't have a walk-in.
What? How can you expect to appeal to the locals?
Um... we haven't identified the appropriate people to come here or...
Hold on a minute. What do you mean, "appropriate people"?
People who can afford 59$ for three courses.
GGordon (narration)
"Appropriate people"? What a snob! Where does he think he is; The Ritz?
Are you always this pathetic?
I am not pathetic.
Well when are you going to stand up and start showing some respect for your team, and start growing a pair, to sort of understand the mess you're in?
I understand the mess we're in.
Right.
I'm fighting for the team.
You dug the fucking hole...
Yes.
...and put them in it! So they're fucked!
They don't have to work here.
Oh, my God!
I mean, you know, the bottom line is...
How dare you?
No, they don't have to work here!
How DARE you? How FUCKING DARE you! "They don't have to work here." Oh, my God!
I, I - I - care -
You disrespectful, disgusting man! "They don't have to work here." I don't think you realize how fucking lucky you are. Because if it wasn't for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 of them, you'd be driving that RV miles away from here!
RRyan
(interview) Robert definitely needs a reality check. It's life or death right now, and I don't think he actually realizes what kind of jeopardy this place is in.
It's not all about you, Robert. Robert's world, Robert's bubble, Robert's dream. You're not the lord of the manor, and you're not The Great Gatsby. You're - you're, you're - you're Robert. There's only me in here.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Go on then, you pompous fuck!
EXCUSE me! Don't talk to me like that.
What - what's wrong with it? I want to know what's wrong with -
Don't speak to me like that!
Well I'm telling you! Get your head out of your arse and start getting a little fucking real! You STILL haven't got it, that this place is sinking! Start paying a little more attention to the guys on the ground, understand how hard it is out there, forget your fucking... Antique Roadshow... and START from the bottom running this business! You're right: there's no structure! It's fragmented! The team needs a leader, they need a structure. They need a mentor, they need some... support! And all they get is nitpicked. What kind of motivation is that? All I've heard since I've been here is you're just blaming people. And I'm blaming you for not taking charge. GET FUCKING REAL. (walks out) Fucking hell...
["To Be Continued..." appears on the screen]
S1 E2Juniper Hill Inn, Part Two
[Gordon has found out that Robert has been giving away free complimentary rooms and food for his friends and that they aren't tipping his staff]
I have to tell you, the reason that I did that was that because I thought that they would at least tip my staff.
But they didn't tip your staff. Sorry to piss on your bonfire.
Well, then I will call my friends and I will tell them "Look, what happened?"
You haven't got the fucking balls to call your friends and ask them to leave a tip!
Yes I do.
Call them, then.
[Robert calls Dana on his phone]
And ask them, "I thought, at least out of generosity, you would have left a couple hundred dollars tip for the team."
DDana
Hello?
Dana.
DDana
Yes?
It's Robert. You stayed here recently, and, uh, I was under the impression that you and Greg left a tip. Did you leave a tip?
DDana
Well, I left the money with you.
No, no, no. But you said you were going to send additional tip.
I think my time's done here.
That was one of the things that I was hoping you had done.
DDana
If I didn't do what I was supposed to do, I'm very sorry, and...
[walks out of the RV in disgust] "I left the money with you."
Wait a minute, there's others to call too. Gordon...
Oh, dear!
Gordon has left. He thinks I'm stealing my staff's tips.
Unbelieveable. Joke!
[Calling Ari on the phone] Hey Ari, it's Robert. Did you tip the staff, because they're telling people that they haven't been tipped.
[Walking to his car] "I left the money with you."
Oh, so I need to do that. I... I somehow lost that.
Fucking idiot.
(interview) Gordon left thinking I'm a liar. I feel as if I... I'm at the end of my rope... and I'm going to lose everything. I'll have to start all over again if this doesn't work, and... [sobbing] It just doesn't seem I can do it any more! I know I can't do it!
I can't believe those storage units are still there. If I was Robert, I'd lock Ari in one of them.
S1 E6Roosevelt Hotel
It can’t get any worse.
JJohn
Yeah, it could get worse.
[Gordon has a talk with John after the “Murder Mystery” dinner.]
You love being an entertainer. Don’t you dare tell me that that is hard when...
JJohn
I don’t hate it.
...this whole fucking thing was put together for your fantasy.
JJohn
Well, that’s kinda what this night is. It is entertainment; we put on a show.
You’re pretending to be Sherlock Holmes, and upstairs, we’re empty. You’re in the shit, financially. We’re in ruins. And if you put the same amount of effort into filling this place, just one room booked tonight would’ve made more profit than the whole Murder Mystery and all that work that went into it. I mean, this is insane! And you prance around like some fucking idiot while your wife is slaving away in the kitchen! Do you have any care in the world, apart from yourself?
JJohn
When you get a psychology degree...
Oh, when I get one. Okay.
JJohn
...you come and tell me what’s wrong with me.
Here we go.
JJohn
You obviously think you’re a psychologist.
Big denial again.
JJohn
No, I’m not in denial; I just don’t know what you want!
It’s only your own fucking stupidity to why we’re in the shit this far!
JJohn
Well, that is probably true!
So then man up and act responsible!
JJohn
Okay. I’m done with that. (stands up to leave) I’m done with that interview. No, no, I’m done.
Oh... Sherlock. Does that massage your ego a bit more?
JJohn
(holds up his hand) No, just talk to my hand, you know, on your way out.
“Talk to my hand”? Oh, what a fucking idiot.
JJohn
Have a good night.
You’re not ten years old! You need to grow up and stop running away from the truth! (John leaves through the hallway door) Fucking joke.
JJohn
I want him to fall into a very deep pit... so he can’t get out.
[Gordon walks into the kitchen after John served him a raw soft boiled egg.]
JJohn
Fire away buddy.
Are you having a laugh at your family's expense?
JJohn
No.
Big tall hat, big jacket and you can't boil a fucking egg.
JJohn
You want a fried egg? You want French toast too? How about some pancakes?
What the fuck are you doing? You don't care, do you?
JJohn
I do care.
You're a fucking joke.
JJohn
(interview) Those are what we refer to as fighting words. Gutsy thing to do, especially in a kitchen full of sharp knives. (normal) It has never been a joke for me. Ever.
"Come play at my school. I'm the head master!" You're acting like an absolute idiot.
JJohn
No, but you’re in my house.
That’s right, and I’m disgusted at your performance. Your big problem is you can’t handle the truth. You don’t like hearing it.
JJohn
You don’t even know me. You know... squat!
It’s a joke. Think about your wife! You’re into $1.1 million dollars of debt! You’re forcing her to live in Hell; she’s telling me that! And just think of the last 13 years, about what you’ve fucking done. And not to you, to everyone else standing behind you.
JJohn
(interview) I'm tired of hearing that. I don't need it anymore. (Gordon leaves the kitchen) Screw it; I really don't care if he leaves.
Fuck me.
S2 E2Monticello Hotel
Tell me about Phillip's management style.
DDebbie
Well, when he's sober, I get along with him just fine. When he's drinking, I avoid him at all costs.
Does he drink a lot on site?
DDebbie
Yes. He does.
On a scale from 1 to 10, how bad is he drinking now?
DDebbie
A 10.
A 10?
DDebbie
This week, he was arrested.
For what?
DDebbie
DUI.
You are. Fucking. Kidding me.
DDebbie
I'm not kidding. [Shows Gordon the newspaper]
Oh my God; Monticello Hotel owner jailed. Jailed?!
DDebbie
He was kept overnight in jail.
Bloody hell. Why would he not tell me that, when it just happened; hours ago?
S2 E3Applegate River Lodge
Uh...so, are you making money here?
DDusty
Yes sir.
How much money do you make a month?
DDusty
Last month, I made about $12,000.
Wow. So you make $150 grand a year.
DDusty
With everything working right, yeah.
And you don't pay a dollar profit to your mother.
DDusty
Profit? Excuse me?
The business is a million dollars in debt, you make a shitload of money, and your mom gets nothing.
JJoanna
(interview) I was shocked that Dusty makes that much and that bothers me because he should help me out financially.
Knowing full well that you stand to inherit this business, there's still not a penny going in to reducing debt and this is your mother!
DDusty
Correct. (interview) I really devoted my life to this place and to be treated like I don't care about my family and I don't care about this business, it really cut to the core and I have no problem telling him to get the fuck out of here.
I'd give you a kick up the arse if that was my son.
I'm embarrassed. I'm amazed you're still open. There's no fucking standards in here.
DDusty
I don't believe that there are no standards.
You've got a river running outside your patio with salmon in it and you're serving frozen salmon! Where's the standard then?
DDusty
What we do is not shit.
You may be able to manipulate your mother. But you're not going to pull the wool over my eyes. Because you're playing at running a restaurant that's been given to you and you don't actually work for this. You grew up here so, "Hey mom, I want to be a restaurateur this week!" Without your mother in this lodge, you're fucked!
S2 E5Calumet Inn
(Voiceover) At the heart of Pipestone, Minnesota stands the historic Calumet Inn built in 1887. Calumet is the native American word for peace pipe. But sadly, peace is something short of supply at the Calumet Inn. The hotel is owned by sisters, Rina and Vanda Smrkovski. Nine months ago, their father, Jim, or "Daddy" as they call him, purchased the hotel for the sisters.
JJim
(interview) I'm not sure Rina and Vanda know how privileged they are.
RRina
(interview) Just because we dress nice doesn't mean we're spoiled.
JJim
(interview) They are definitely a little bit spoiled.
(Voiceover) Rina's not just a little bit spoiled, she's also a bit of a crybaby.
RRina
(crying) There's just too much trash talking going around here and I can't work with people like that! I'm so sick and tired of being judged!
JJim
You're going to have to come down to earth.
RRina
(interview) God, I cry a lot. I don't know, what was I crying about? I don't even know.
(Voiceover) After owning the hotel for just six weeks, Rina found working a bit much, so she took the weekend off in Minneapolis, 200 miles away...and she didn't return for three months. While she was away, the hotel was left at the mercy of her younger sister, Vanda. Vanda considers herself very hardworking, although she doesn't get out of bed until 3:00 every afternoon leaving the hotel understaffed.
(interview) A lot of times, I feel like people come to work just to make tips and for their paycheck, and they're not necessarily here to take care of this historic artifact.
I feel like a Goonie. "HEY, YOU GUYS!!"
JJennifer
I used to love my job... and now I hate it.
I can see. What's not working for you?
JJennifer
The owners.
RRina
I'm not going to tolerate disrespect. You know; we're not getting paid, we're not paying ourselves!
You can't, as owners, complain about not getting paid. You fucking own the place! They don't have ownership of this historic building - their daddy is not paying for everything!
Can I tell you something, Gordon? Jen has called herself the best cook in town. She has...
Stop picking on her! You have turned... every fucking member of staff against you.
RRina
I used to be really chirpy and happy, and I've; I can't even smile anymore.
It's not about you!
Yeah, I can't even; I can't even motivate myself to do my projects anymore...
But... again, just listen to you, both of you!
JJoselyn
Kill me, kill me, kill me!
You're only as good as the team underneath you. Whether you are here three months a fucking year or three hours a day; it doesn't matter!
Yeah, yeah.
Grow up!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hotel Hell pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.