Brendon Small quotes from Home Movies

Melissa

Jason, what are you getting Fenton for his birthday?

Brendon

Oh, right, Fenton's party.

Jason

Um...I got him an eraser. It's looks like, um, a little football.

Brendon

It sounds great.

Jason

It has a dual function.

Melissa

What does it do other than erase?

Jason

You can play catch with it.

Melissa

Oh...

Brendon

You can almost do that with anything.

Jason

But it's shaped like a football, Brendon.

Brendon

Melissa, what did you get him.

Melissa

I got him a CD.

Jason

That's stupid.

Melissa

You could also play catch with it.

Andrew

Oh, by the way, we're going to meet my girlfriend Linda at the zoo, since you've agreed to go to the zoo.

Brendon

What, is she one of the exhibits?

Andrew

Let me tell you something, she could be.

Brendon

Is she an animal?

Andrew

No, you're not kidding.

[in her underwear] Why didn't you wake me?

Andrew

Uh, Linda, could you get a robe on or something?

Brendon

Good morning to me!

You were supposed to wake me at 7:45.

Andrew

I did.

Yeah, well, you didn't do a very good job of it. It's 8:30!

Andrew

I know, but--

I've got to be at the cancer institute at 9:00!

Andrew

I'm sorry, I guess you fell back to sleep.

Oh, so you're only going to wake me once, is that it? I get one shot and that's it. Thanks a lot. Now I gotta rush. Great. I'm going to have a fun day at the cancer institute.

Jason

I hate my acting. It's horrible.

Melissa

You think you're bad. What about me? I couldn't act my way into a paper bag. Into.

Brendon

Are you guys serious? My acting sucks on ice. What was I doing up there? That was not acting, that's for sure.

Jason

Brendon, why don't you put some extra bait on that hook.

Melissa

Yeah, and don't forget your tackle box for your compliment fishing trip.

Brendon

I thought we were all fishing for compliments. That's what we were--oh, forget it.

Paula

But are you learning anything? I mean, psychology can be kind of interesting.

Brendon

Well, I learned that "should" is a word I shouldn't use.

Paula

Why shouldn't you?

Brendon

I don't know. Because it makes the doctor mad. He should lighten up a little.

Paula

Maybe you should lighten up a little.

Brendon

Maybe you should go to therapy with Linda.

Paula

Maybe she should lighten up a little.

Brendon

Maybe everybody should lighten up a little.

Paula

What should we have for dinner?

Brendon

We should have pizza.

Paula

We should have salad, too.

Brendon

You should have salad.

Paula

Maybe Linda should have salad?

Brendon

I feel that it would be in her best interest.

Paula

Should be in her best interest.

Brendon

What do you mean? Whose best interest?

Paula

The salad.

Brendon

The salad is in Linda's best interest?

Paula

No, the pizza's in the salad's best interest...the point is, Brendon, you don't have to go to therapy. But I think a person like you really should.

Brendon

This is the perfect place to shoot the final scene.

Melissa

Let's go back to the hotel.

Brendon

No, no, no. It's fine. Plus I have to pee, so...

Melissa

Hold your breath.

Jason

Uh, I think that only works for hiccups.

Melissa

It works for pee, too.

Paula

Foremothers, huh?

Brendon

Yeah, I wanted to be equal.

Paula

Yeah.

Brendon

Did you enjoy it?

Paula

Mm...yes. It was a little confusing.

Brendon

Well, it's the kind of movie you have to watch a few times to totally get.

Paula

I'm sort of concerned, though, about your brains.

Brendon

What about them?

Paula

I'm concerned that they might have been damaged.

Brendon

Oh, so, you've seen my test.

Paula

I don't think that counted as a test, because in a test, you're supposed to answer the questions.

Brendon

I know.

Paula

You did not answer the questions.

Brendon

I know.

Paula

Though you did diagram the sentences of the questions...

Brendon

Yeah.

Paula

Which you did wrong.

Brendon

Am I in trouble?

Paula

Well, the bad news is you are grounded.

Brendon

What's the good news?

Paula

I'm not letting you use your camera for a week.

Brendon

I think that's still bad news.

Paula

Trust me. That is good news.

Andrew

How's the documentary?

Brendon

Good.

Brendon

Hates me.

Andrew

Good, everything seems to be in order then.

Brendon

Actually, the way I had it originally planned is that she would like me instead of hate. I somehow mixed it up.

Brendon

Yeah.

Andrew

You accidentally made her hate you instead of like you?

Brendon

Yes I must have mixed something up.

Andrew

Hmm, sometimes that happens, a classic problem. Did you uh, try too hard around her?

Brendon

Yes, I tried very hard, I tried very, very hard.

Andrew

It didn’t work? Have you been acting weird around her?

Brendon

Yes!

Andrew

Unnatural? Did you try acting unnaturally?

Brendon

Yes! I rehearsed.

Andrew

Right. Did you blurt stuff out you didn’t mean?

Brendon

Yes! I figured, I’m gonna make myself more memorable.

Andrew

Mmhmm, right. So she’s never seen you relaxed?

Brendon

No, she’s never seen me-No. And she still hates me!

Andrew

Hmm, well have you told her how you feel about her?

Brendon

Hahahahaha, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Andrew

It looks more like i'm going to my prom than my wedding.

Brendon

Yeah. So you're thinking the green ones, with the big ties--those are better?

Paula

And get my wallet and checkbook, they're in the third drawer--

Brendon

I know where they are mother!

Paula

Brendon how do you know where my wallet and checkbook are?

Brendon

...what?

Paula

How do you know where my wallet and checkbook are?

Brendon

...Brendon can't come to the uh, hallway, right now...

Paula

Explanation please!

Brendon

uhh...you know we really should think about calling the fire department.

Jason

Makes me hungry just thinking about all the heat.

Brendon

MAKES ME HUNGRY HOT!

Jason

Damn hungry hot.

Brendon

Damn Chips...

Brendon

Jason, I'm going to leave you.

Jason

No. Brenden, no.

Brendon

We have to leave each other.

Jason

No, Brenden, we only have each other. And food.

Brendon

Jason, we have to leave each other. We can't do this anymore.

Jason

[sighs]

McGuirk

What the hell is wrong with you people. Are you on drugs?

Brendon

No.

Melissa

No.

McGuirk

With all the nicknames. What are those, drug nicknames?

Melissa

They're band nicknames.

Melissa

[as a lumberjack] I'm going to chop you down, tree.

Brendon

[as a tree] Well, okay, but, um, don't, um, because what about the environment?

Jason

[as a skunk, moves from behind Brendon] Hello, I'm a skunk.

Brendon

Hello.

Melissa

Hello.

Jason

Hey, um, I mean, don't chop down the forest.

Melissa

Okay, I won't chop down the forest, just this tree.

Brendon

But I'm a tree, and I'm a house for birds and chipmunks and cats and dogs. And I can be useful for people, too. I can be made into wood...

Jason

Oh, man. Chop it down.

Melissa

I'm with you skunk.

Brendon

Hey, you guys suck.

Jason

Lumberjack.

Melissa

Yep?

Jason

Pass me that ax.

Brendon

[bleeding maple syrup] Aaaah! It hurts!

Melissa

You can't shut this one up.

Jason

Hope you learned your lesson, tree.

It's time to pay the price.

Jason

Well, we've done a lot of bad things, right, guys?

Melissa

Yes, we have. Yes, we have.

Brendon

And now we're here in jail.

Melissa

Yes, we are. We're here being punished.

Jason

And we hate it. But what can we do? We did wrong.

Brendon

We can't do anything. Justice has been done. It's time to...[mumbling] pop it pop...

Melissa

Yeah.

Jason

You speak the truth, my brother. It is time to...

Melissa

Time for that.

Jason

Yes, time to...

Pay the...

Jason

What time is it, actually?

Brendon

It's 2:30.

Jason

Yeah, I got to go home.

Brendon

Okay, fade to black. The End. Well, we tried.