Coach John McGuirk quotes from Home Movies

Coach McGuirk

I've got trademark products all over my body because I was drunk one night. Don't live like me.

Coach McGuirk

You know, I mean, uh, kids don't want to do anything. You know, in my experience, Paula? Kids are always like "I don't wanna do that!" I consider my job to kinda twist them in the direction of doing stuff. I mean that's what coaching's all about. That's why I love it. Every day I go out there and I twist the kids into doing something they don't wanna do!

Coach John McGuirk

This sausage is probably eighteen years old... This sausage could vote. It could go to war and die for its country.

McGuirk

DVD PLAYER!!!!

McGuirk

You wanna know what a real rash is? I'll tell you! You get a rash somewhere on your body. It hurts so bad that YOU GO BLIND. You blow up like a balloon...end up looking like a circus freak. Next thing you know, you're IN THE CIRCUS. Touring, making good money. You know my life.

Coach McGuirk

(to Brendon) Quarter for the bus, quarter for the bus. The end. Hey Brendon, the end.

Coach McGuirk

Next time that thing comes near me, I'm gonna eat it. I'm serious!

McGuirk

- I smell burning eye.

McGuirk

- I hate ping-pong and too cool. I hate Mr Stingy too I'd like to kill the son of a bitch.

Coach McGuirk

You know Lynch, uh, it's funny when I talk to you, I get a little uncomfortable because I feel like you're being condescending to me, and I hope that's not the case, because if it is, I'm gonna kick your ass, and if it isn't, let's clear it up right now. So, you can tell me whether you're being condescending to me whenever we speak, and if you say yes, I'm gonna beat you up right here in the faculty lounge, and if you say no then I'm going to, uh, say, "Fine." Alright? You being condescending right now?

Hmm.

McGuirk

Then there’s nice funny--like maybe a little light sarcasm or a clever twist or a knock-knock joke. I like those. You like those?

Brendon

Um…

McGuirk

Knock-knock.

Brendon

Huh.

McGuirk

Brendon. Knock-knock. I’m doing a knock-knock joke. Knock-knock.

Brendon

Uh, hello.

McGuirk

what do you mean, hello? You say who’s there? Brendon. Do you knock a knock-knock joke?

Brendon

Yeah, uh…

McGuirk

I say knock-knock you say who’s there?

Brendon

Yeah, right. I’m not a big fan of…

McGuirk

You know what? Do it. Knock-knock.

Brendon

Who’s there?

McGuirk

No, wait a minute, you say knock-knock.

Brendon

I don’t…knock-knock.

McGuirk

Who’s there?

Brendon

I don’t know.

McGuirk

I don’t know who?

Brendon

I don’t know, I hate this joke.

McGuirk

That’s not funny. It’s got to be a pun or something. You know what? Forget it. Where was I? Oh, yeah, nice funny.

McGuirk

Hey, ladies, uh, my name is John McGuirk. I, uh, am a professional soccer coach at the elementary school level and I own a nice car though I do not currently have legal access to it. Um, as you can see, I used to be in good shape and, uh, in the last two years I’ve successfully completed four out of five rehab programs. The kind of woman I’m interested in is the one, I guess, who’s still watching this video.

Brendon

Cut. I’m going to stop you right there.

McGuirk

What’s? That was, uh, that was not good or…

Brendon

We got it. We got this.

I think you nailed it.

McGuirk

Give me those wings.

Melissa

No, I'll get in trouble. Coach, please.

McGuirk

No. Coach wants to fly away.

Melissa

Coach, are you drunk?

McGuirk

Yeah, that's why I came to the mall.

McGuirk

What the hell is wrong with you people. Are you on drugs?

Brendon

No.

Melissa

No.

McGuirk

With all the nicknames. What are those, drug nicknames?

Melissa

They're band nicknames.

Coach McGuirk

Oh my god it's death!

Melissa

Coach it's me Melissa.

Coach McGuirk

Oh my god it's Melissa!

Melissa

This is my costume.

Coach McGuirk

Hey you know Melissa you shouldn't be walking around the hospital dressed as death.