JJill
I thought if there was a problem with the car, the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.
A buzzer!? It's a car, not a game show!
S1Nothing More Than Feelings
JJill
Are you saying the car's not working?
We now own a 350-horsepower, 4-door, BOULDER!
JJill
So I can't drive it?
Not unless you're Wilma Flintstone!
S1Flying Sauces
I'm gonna make some of that four-star, happy trails, rootin'-tootin' chili of mine.
JJill
I don't know about the rootin', but there'll be plenty of tootin'.
You should consider yourself lucky I'm not making my rip-roarin' chili.
JJill
What are we going to do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.
That's why we had Mark, so they'd leave us alone.
S1Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble
JJill
I thought you said it was a technical problem!
Technically, I was the problem.
We've talked about this long enough; I'm gonna put another sink in this room.
JJill
Oh, no no no no you're not.
It's not that big a job; it's a small job.
JJill
There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I'd know you'd be ripping out walls, and running a subway through here.
I'd give you free tickets!
[Tim wants to remodel the bathroom, on Tool Time.]
...Let me do this for you.
JJill
Will Al be here?
I don't see what that has to do with anything.
JJill
Will Al be here?
I want you to understand something. Al is my assistant, he assist me.
JJill
Yeah, I know. Will he be here?
Probably, yes.
Jill[getting excited]: And I can have anything I want?
Anything you want!
JJill
Oh, what if I decide I just want you, right now?
Well, it'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!
[Jill falls apart laughing.]
S1Reach Out and Teach Someone
JJill
Why do they call it a monkey wrench?
They call it a monkey wrench because even a monkey can use it.
Dad, am I gonna be able to help you work on this thing?
You bet!
JJill
No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.
Aww, man
No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.
Hey Randy, did you do your homework?
Yeah.
Want to help?
No.
Where did I go wrong with him?
JJill
Don't worry about it, he's not yours.
S1Look Who's Not Talking
We are enlightened men, and enlightened men share in the household responsibilities, right?
What's 'enlightened'?
It means scared of Mom.
[about the vacuum] On the outside, it maintains that feminine allure. On the inside, I've doubled its chromosome count.
I don't have a woman.
I have a woman, Mommy.
Your Mom can't be your woman, stupid!
A lotta guys pay shrinks a lotta money to figure that out!
The first time I did Tool Time, I was really nervous. So I imagine the audience was just one guy.
JJill
The first time you did Tool Time, there was only one guy.
Yeah, but I pictured him in his underwear.
JJill
He WAS in his underwear!
He was NOT!
S1Yule Better Watch Out
Jill(indicating Randy's flashy robes): This is Randy's costume, he's playing the innkeeper.
And where are Mary and Joseph staying this year, Ceasar's Palace!?
JJill
Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper, because he added some lines.
Yeah. He doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID!
They made me a sheep.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Home Improvement pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.